This Girl's Life
by staceleo
Summary: Flannels, candy necklaces, Nirvana and a desire for independence for a girl on the cusp of adulthood. He was the mystery that drew her in and the possibility of happiness or sorrow depending on his whims. Inspired by My So-Called Life.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Sometimes inspiration just strikes you. A song plays on your iPod and takes you back to those days in Algebra class where you stared at the untouchable boy who was absolutely not paying attention to the teacher. **

**The song was Soda Jerk by Buffalo Tom. It brought back memories of the nineties. I eagerly awaited My So-Called Life episodes and wore baby doll dresses paired with flannel shirts. This is my homage of a time between the innocence of childhood and the responsibilities of being an adult. **

**I really shouldn't be starting something new. I know better. Good news is that I have a few stories that are almost done. Black Butterfly Rising and The Quest for Infinite Impossibilities are on a little break. I've had a lot of sad stuff happen this year and just need to take a step back from those themes for a bit. **

**This is the longest author's note that will be happening in this story. I hope you enjoy this story. I dedicated it my friends who love Angela Chase and Jordan Catalano as much as I do. **

This Girl's Life

Chapter 1

He never faces the blackboard. Ever.

Mrs. Molina writes algebraic equations on it with her hands covered in chalk dust and he never once glances at the mess she makes. The rest of our classmates sit chuckling at the frazzled woman. Instead, he stares out the window at the parking lot. That old muscle car of his, the one that looked like something my dad would drive when he was our age, sits right in our view. I wonder if Edward Cullen is sitting there and dreaming of an escape from the talk of number problems that we will never worry about in our adult lives. That he wished to jump out the window and run to his car to gain freedom.

I bet he is. He's chewing his pinky finger where a thick silver ring covered in tribal symbols resides. It makes me stare at his lips that seem to be always in a pout.

Those eyes of his are big and green like the leaves of the forest. I would wander in them and get lost in all the acres of foliage.

God, that sounds stupid.

"Bell," Jessica quietly hissed next to me. "Stop looking at Cullen! Molina keeps looking at you. She'll ask you a question."

I reluctantly turned away. Molina's math questions were the bane of my existence. I knew none of the answers and was barely staying awake. She muttered her words and lost track of what she wrote down for us to copy down in our notebooks. Who could ever learn anything being taught by this woman?

Jess's pen had a large fuchsia pom-pom on the end of it. She would spin it around in circles when she was agitated. The spinning made me dizzy, but the odd assortment of letters and numbers that I had jotted down made everything so much worse. I felt ill from this class and from this place.

"Are you okay, Bell?" She asked in a more sympathetic way. "I can take you to the nurse."

"No," I mouthed. This wasn't food poisoning or anything that was caused by one of those random viruses that would run rampant around the school. Unfortunately, it was partly my best friend that made me feel off today. Jessica Stanley wasn't her usual thoughtful self today. There were dreams of pep rally flips with the cheerleading squad and plastic jewels covering a paper crown being placed on her head when she was named Prom Queen. Overnight, my best friend gained Queen Bee ambitions.

Mrs. Molina started rubbing her head. One of her migraines was coming on. "Class, I'll be heading to the nurse's office. Look over your notes and work on the equations on the board."

Rumor in the halls had it that those migraines were an excuse to take a drink from the flask she had hidden in her car. Working with high school students would do that to a woman, I guess.

"Bell, is Ty looking at me?" Jessica questioned as she puffed out her chest and fluffing her ponytail that was tied tightly with a purple scrunchie.

Tyler was too busy staring at Lauren Malloy. Her tee-shirt was as tight as Jess's. He seemed to have moved on from his ex-girlfriend, but she was still holding some hope to win him back. It was silly. He was a creep.

"Oh yeah. He glanced over here," I lied. It would hurt her if I told the truth. A dream is better than the harsh reality. I knew it better than anybody. My dream boy didn't know I existed. At least, Jess got to kiss hers.

I looked over to the window and his green eyes were on me or at least in my general vicinity. Those lips of his made a little sneer and he turned back to his window daydreams.

The look he gave me was probably at the pimple on my forehead. It was red and angry on my skin like a volcano. The make-up I stole from my mom this morning to put on it did nothing to hide the eruption.

"Ty told me that Mike wanted to invite you to the movies," she said. Jess changed the subject of our conversations in such a fast speed it was hard to keep up.

"Oh?"

Mike had blond hair, not red. He had blue eyes, not green. There was nothing of interest for me there.

"He was telling Ty at football practice that you're cute!" Jess squealed. "We could double!"

I wasn't interested but the blush on my cheeks still came out to play.

"Mike seems cool, but—" I began, but something bothered me about her words. "Jess, when did you talk to Tyler? You guys broke up."

"We reconnected under the bleachers." She was practically vibrating with her excitement. She twisted the little gold heart on her necklace and sighed. "The awesome kind of reconnecting if you know what I mean."

Tyler wasn't speaking to her at all in school. They didn't sit next to each other at our regular table in the cafeteria anymore. There was no interaction to show that they were even friends.

I stilled her twisting pom-pom pen. "I don't think you guys are on the same pa—"

"Bell, I think he's the one I can become a woman with!" Her eyes were bright at the thought. "I think I'm ready."

It was a horrible idea.

"I don't think you should." My words were soft. Never make waves was how I tried to survive my high school years. But this was important. This was going to go so badly.

The bell rang to signal our next class. Jessica sharp giggle filled the room as we stood to gather our things. "Saved by the bell, worry wart! We can talk about this later. Which reminds me, did you see last Saturday's episode? Zack Morris is so fucking hot."

"I can't believe you spend the weekend watching Saved the Bell," I teased as she linked her arm with mine.

A semblance of the way we used to be when it was easy being friends. Rainbow Bright and Care Bears were so much easier to handle than boys and impending losses of virginity.

"What else should I do when I eat my cereal, silly?" She smiled at me and it was comforting, until it wasn't. "You trying out for the squad? I need my best cheer buddy."

"I don't do that, Jess. I can barely keep myself upright most days," I pointed out. Even now, my body was like a magnet that found itself almost colliding with my fellow students.

My last name might be Swan, but a graceful bird I was not.

"You'll be fine, Bell! You need to get your face out of the books."

"Hey, can I talk to you?" His back was against a locker as metal doors shut all around him, as our fellow students scurried to get their books. Edward didn't look like he had a care in the world. The various shades of brown on his flannel reminded me of autumn.

This felt like I was reading a page out of one of the novels I lost myself in. This wasn't reality. Edward didn't talk to me. My voice was gone. My fingers were shaking lightly.

I felt a tug on my sleeve and Jessica pointed out, "You're going to be late for class."

"I'll see you after school, Jess." My voice didn't sound like my own. It was older and slightly huskier like I needed to clear my throat.

The look on her face was the opposite of pleased as she left me alone with Edward.

He moved from the locker and came closer. "I have a test."

I loved the sound of his voice. It sounded like music to me.

"Oh. Is it like history or chemistry? Mr. Jenks was pretty tough on the last one he gave. I studied all night, but tI kept messing up all those formulas." I babbled when I was nervous.

He looked at me with confusion. "I need to borrow a pen."

Right.

I started searching my bag. "I don't have an extra pen, but would this work?"

Pulling out a random pencil, I handed it to him without really looking at it.

"Its purple," he observed. He rubbed it between his fingers and looked at it curiously. "There's glitter on it."

Glitter from the sparkly pencil coated his fingers. It was one that I borrowed from Jessica months ago. My face flushed. "I think I have another one somewhere."

"Nah. This one works." There was a small smirk on his face. He tugged a lock of my hair. "See you around."

He moved past me as I stood in the empty hallway. I watched him move in an easy stroll toward the gym.

The only sound other than the way his Doc Martins hit the linoleum was my heart beating. Its song was the soundtrack of this moment I would never forget.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Enjoy, share, and have a lovely day.**

Chapter 2

He had his fingers on my hair. This brown mop was in his hands.

The mirror was showing nothing special. Ordinary features framed by ordinary brown was staring back at me. Edward Cullen needed a pencil and he did his effortless flirting magic. What happened wasn't some kind of love connection. It wasn't like I hadn't seen him do it before.

If you obsess over someone as much as I do Edward, you catch the little things. He had a tendency to twirl Tanya Denali's strawberry blonde curls around his middle finger as his group smoked behind the cafeteria. I caught him stroking Victoria's fire engine ponytail as they passed around a joint under the bleachers on my way to watch Tyler's football practice with Jess. Edward liked touching hair. It was as simple at that.

Those girls that Edward hung out with were beautiful and strong. The type of girls who just didn't care about the politics of high school. They existed on a higher plane than us mere teenagers. They were a part of Edward's tribe. It was a place I knew I would never be good enough for.

"I'm such an idiot," I said to my reflection as if I was clueing it in on a huge secret.

I, Bella Swan, was skipping class to have a pity party in the bathroom. I don't miss class. My future was going to be ruined, because I decided to have a panic attack over a boy.

There was sound of a toilet flushing behind me and I jumped at the sound. I hadn't been alone when I was having an emotional breakdown at the sink.

Alice Brandon danced out of the bathroom stall with her crazy rainbow skirt flying out around her like a parachute that little children play with in gym class. The tank top she wore was tied-dyed and her wrists were covered in the type of plastic bracelets that little girls wear making her look like a small gypsy. Her hair was a knotted mess of black dreads that were decorated with small colored beads. There was nothing like her at Forks High. The girl was an original.

"Isabella! Isabella! My sweet Isabella! Cry not in places that people pee," she sang to me as she washed her hands in the sink next to me. Her eyes never left our reflections and she was observing me with a critical eye. "You and Cullen, huh?"

I felt a wave of panic. This crazy girl was watching me. "What? I don't know what you're talking about."

She grabbed a paper towel from the metal dispenser hanging on the wall and gazed at her teeth in her obscured reflection. "No leafy greens in there. You like Cullen."

Closing my eyes and willing her to go away, all I could see was that mouth of his chewing on his finger in class. I couldn't help but wonder if he was nibbling on the eraser of my pencil.

"I'm still here, You wouldn't be the first person to hope that I disappeared," Alice pointed out. I opened a single eye and saw her perched on the sink counter and eating candy off of the necklace she wore. She held out her necklace. "You want some?"

"No thanks."

"Your loss, girl, because this is some yummy shit." She took another bite and regarded me with a smile. "I like you. Cullen is an ass. I should warn you, because you seem like a good kid."

She was blunt to a fault. Edward Cullen was a waking dream for me. I was lucky that he occasionally glanced in my direction. I knew there was never going to be much more than that. Why did this strange girl need to make me see what I already knew? It wasn't like she was my friend trying to talk some sense to me. This was the first time she ever talked to me. Why was I worth the effort now?

I wanted to yell at her, but the idea of starting a fight made me feel sick. Instead, I just weakly said, "Oh."

"You might be good for him. Maybe. You aren't like that Jessica chick. I like you." She was staring at me again with a little smile. "He's still a dick though."

The only thing I could do is stare at her in disbelief. She didn't know anything. There was a pretty good chance she was as clueless as my parents.

"Al! You would not believe the day I had! No one in this school understands my brilliance!" A boy busted into the bathroom with his hand placed on his forehead like a silent movie actress.

The fact that I even thought about silent movies showed what a dork I was. My mother made me watch those movies with her late at night with bowls of popcorn and glasses of orange juice. She found it to be a great mother and daughter bonding experience. I just found myself wishing to sneak out the back door and search for where all the cool kids were hiding. You knew they weren't stuck with their mom on a Saturday night cuddling on a couch.

"Jakey, my love, this is Isabella Swan. Isabella, this Jacob Black of the tribe of beautiful ones." Alice motioned to me with a big grin, as Jacob snorted. "Be nice, Jakey."

The boy was not impressed when he looked me up and down. With a little wave to me, he went over to Alice and pulled the candy necklace from her neck and ate one. "Sugary goodness! You bring any more, Al?"

She dug through the giant, old leather purse she carried and pulled out a plastic bag full of necklaces. "Voila! Your wish is my command!"

I had seen the boy around school before. We had different classes and friends, but you couldn't miss him. Today, his eyes were outlined with thick, ebony eyeliner and his long, dark hair was pulled up in a bun with chopsticks. The jeans and tee-shirt he wore were normal, but the band name on the shirt was one I didn't know. I had heard around school that he wore a dress one day at the beginning of the school year and was told that he would be expelled if he did it again. Who knew the truth? It was high school. The truth was never important. The excitement was in who could tell the best stories about someone. Sad, but true.

"You friends with Tyler, Isabella?" Jacob asked leaning against Alice's knees. He cocked his head to the side, as she wrapped her thin arms around his neck.

The answer to that question wasn't something that I actually knew the answer to. The only reason I hung around the guy was because of Jess. The guy was a jerk. I still couldn't see what the appeal of Tyler was.

"No, he isn't dating Jessica anymore. No one would want to hang out with Tyler if they have half a brain," I explained. "I guess Jess is the exception."

"I think that girl has a bit of a brain shortage," Alice stated.

A part of me wanted to defend my friend, but a larger part wanted to agree. I was a terrible person.

Jacob looked at my face and it softened a bit. He must have seen my distress. "Girls like those handsome boys no matter what asses they can be. She's not stupid, just confused. I saw your girl kissing him near the woods by the parking lot. You try talking some sense into her."

"I did, but she ignored me. Jess is delusional lately. I have no clue how to deal with all that," I admitted. It felt good to let the truth out, even if it was in a front of strangers.

It was probably safer that way. If I said my feelings in front of anyone we hung out with, it would just get back to Jess. Secrets were never kept between us.

Jacob took out a necklace from the plastic baggie and placed it around my neck. "Join our tribe, Isabella. You seem like a good kid."

"You can call me Bella."

Alice hopped off the sink. "Isabella is better. More regal and shit. Own your power, girl."

Jacob took a piece of my hair. It didn't hold the same excitement that it did when Edward did the same thing. "You would look good as a redhead."

"I was thinking that too," Alice agreed. "Cullen likes that."

"I forgot that Edward likes to match his girls." Jacob wiggled his eyebrows at me. "You like yourself a hot weirdo, Isabella. So very, very hot!"

Jacob started fanning himself with his notebook.

"How did you know that?" This was so embarrassing!

"The way your face gets all red like it is now, honey. Everybody at school knows you have it bad for Ed." He threw an arm around my shoulder. "I don't blame you one bit."

The bell rang telling us of freedom from high school.

"Oh no! I'm going to get in so much trouble for missing history!" I pictured my mother's angry face in my mind. I would be imprisoned in my room forever.

Alice went into that large bag again to pull out a pad of paper. She quickly jotted something down and pulled it off with a flourish. Handing it to me, she said, "You had a migraine and were lying down in the dark."

"This is a note from the nurse's office!" I exclaimed looking down at the paper which Alice had written down my imaginary illness to give to my history teacher.

"Yup, I stole it." She tapped my nose. "I'm a good friend to have, Isabella."

We exited the bathroom in a group. I was startled to see Edward Cullen across from us leaning against the lockers.

He was always leaning against things. So relaxed and cool.

One weekend, my parents were watching a movie with James Dean and I peeked in the doorway to see what all he fuss was about. I wasn't going to actually go in there to watch it with them and admit I was interested in what they were doing. It would put ideas in their heads. Parents given ideas were dangerous people.

Instead, I hovered and was in awe by this actor who seemed so relaxed that he just oozed confidence as he leaned on his car. That was exactly how Edward seemed to me.

My sparkly pencil was stuck behind his ear.

"Alice, you going to Em's on Saturday?" He asked in a bored way.

"Perhaps. What's up?" Alice placed both hands on her hips and then gave me a quick look. The expression of uncontrolled love for the guy she found there made her giggle.

Edward didn't even look in my direction.

"He wants you to make those brownies," Edward explained. He chewed on his nail. I wished I was his nail.

"You can tell Emmett to call me his own damn self, Cullen. I'm not his on demand baker," she huffed. "That fat ass is so damn lazy."

Jacob said in high pitched voice, "Hi Edward!"

I guess I wasn't the only one with a crush.

"Oh hey," Edward barely glanced him. Then he finally looked at me. "What's up?"

"Nothing," I squeaked.

Edward probably thought I was a moron.

"Cool." He moved away from the lockers. "What should I tell Emmett?"

"God, you deaf?" Alice poked him in the chest. "Tell him to call me."

Edward looked at her in annoyance. "Whatever, Alice."

We watched as he stomped away. Alice just stood there laughing at his back.

She turned to me and said, "Seriously, Isabella, Manic Panic Strawberry Daiquiri. You won't regret it."

Jacob sighed watching Edward. "So hot."

I couldn't have agreed more.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Hi.**

**Teenage girls are the worst with all those hormones, but teenage boy are just rotten. Ahh . . . The memories!**

Chapter 3

It didn't turn out quite like I imagined.

"Have a nice shower, kiddo?" my dad asked. He stood over a large stewpot stirring it with a large spoon.

I was already in my pajamas and my hair hidden in a towel turban.

"Yeah it was good," I lied. It was rotten.

Rummaging in a drawer, Dad pulled out a spoon. "Come over and try this sauce. I added some more oregano than usual."

Slowly, I wandered over as my dad blew on the tomato sauce to cool it. I put the spoon in my mouth filling it with the lightly spicy liquid.

"Really good, Daddy. That class is teaching you some great things. "

My dad had been laid off six months ago and was still trying to find a job. He used to be an accountant, but now he says the idea of punching in numbers was depressing. I thought my mother was going to flip when he told her that this was the opportunity to find himself. Right now it was cooking school. He had restaurant owning dreams. Mom was questioning his sanity.

"This was a much better idea than the one you had about being a cop," I pointed out, as I snagged another mouthful. Dad halfheartedly smacked my hand. "It's safer for everybody. Mom is a terrible cook."

He snickered. "That's the truth. I don't know about the police job not being a good idea. I think I have the perfect mustache for it."

Now that made me laugh. My dad's mustache was another result of his loss of a job. It made me think of a caterpillar that decided to make a house on his upper lip.

This was my favorite part of day. It was relaxing just sitting with my dad and talking about our day. He was almost always nonjudgemental about what I was feeling. Dad made me feel older somehow. Maybe it was just that he respected my choices.

Our time ended with a slam of the front door.

"Hi! Sorry! Phil kept us late for a meeting and then I had to grab Bree from gymnastics," my mom explained as she rushed in. She gave my dad a quick kiss and grimaced. "Could you please cut that off, Charles?"

"I think it's dashing!" My dad explained. He looked over to my little sister who was shuffling her feet as she came into the kitchen. "Why so glum, monkey?"

"I didn't get picked for the competition squad! I need to work on my flips," she complained bitterly. She sniffed the air. "Spaghetti again? I hate that stuff!"

Bree was a brat. I tried to remember if I was like that when I was ten. I seriously doubted I could ever be that annoying. The only way Bree knew how to talk was whine.

"That's why we're having it," I said to my sister. "It's all a part of our evil plan to make you miserable."

"You're such a jerk, Bella!" Bree yelled.

"Girls!" Mom yelled back.

.

Dad just shook his head us. "Simmer down, gang. Bree you can have a peanut butter sandwich."

It was all part of Bree's plan. That's all she would ever eat.

"Bella, sweetie, you're already in your pajamas. Are you feeling okay?" My mom rushed over and put her hand on my forehead. "You don't feel warm."

I was hoping she would pull away, but instead she moved closer to my face. "What's this?"

Her finger touched my forehead. There was a piece of hair that had escaped. She pulled off the towel and looked at my head in shock.

"Mom—"

The pharmacy was out of Strawberry Daiquiri and I bought Cherry Crush instead. It was a little intense.

"What _did_ you do?" Mom yelled loudly.

Bree smirked at the kitchen table. "You are in so much trouble."

My dad chuckled. "Well . . . That looks fun."

"Charles, this is _not_ funny!"

"It's kind of funny, Renee."

My parents were so completely different. Dad was so relaxed and Mom with her ponytail tied back so tightly was always on edge. Maybe I hated this new hair color, but I would _never_ admit it to her.

"I don't know what the big deal is, Mom. I like it," I lied. She would have to lock me in my room forever to get me to admit how much I really didn't like it.

"It's horrible, Isabella Marie! Your beautiful hair is ruined!" My mother threw up her hands in the air in exasperation.

She would never, ever understand me.

My dad came over and put his hand on my shoulder. "Renee, she's a teenager. You know what's it like. You need to remember."

"Isabella, go to your room. I'll let you know your punishment later," Mom stated. She pointed to the door.

My dad held my shoulder tighter. "Come on, Renee. Give her a break. Dealing with Ronald McDonald hair tomorrow at school is enough punishment."

"Dad!" I thought he would at least pretend it didn't look horrible.

"Upstairs, Bella!" My mother wasn't budging.

"This is so unfair!" I yelled at her. "Why are you so mean!"

Bree continued to laugh at the kitchen counter as she spooned peanut butter on a piece of bread.

"You'll never understand me, Mom!" I screamed and ran toward the stairs.

I heard my dad say, "Damn it, Renee! You were sixteen once! I remember you doing worse. Bella, wait!"

My dad caught up with me at the end of the stairs. "Sweetie, I'll talk to her. I'll bring you up some dinner."

I hugged him tightly. "Thank you, Daddy!"

"Chin up, kiddo. It will work out."

Back in my room and weeping on my bed, I doubted things would work out. At the time I bought the dye, I had decided it was because this might be a way to find out who I really was. I didn't listen to Ace of Base like Jess. My favorite songs were by Nirvana and Pearl Jam. My hair was showed who I really was.

That was stupid. I did it, because Edward Cullen liked redheads.

This just made me cry even more. My hair made me look like a clown. I was certain Edward wasn't interested in a girlfriend that looked like Bozo.

I looked at the posters of Dean Cain dressed up like Superman and Jason Priestly on my wall. They wouldn't make me be a redhead. I hugged my raggedy bear, Mr. Beans hard against my chest.

There was a knock on my bedroom door and I whimpered, "Daddy?"

"It's Mommy, Bella." My mom opened the door and carried in a tray filled with dinner. "You hungry?"

"No." I buried my head in my pillow.

I heard the tray being placed on my desk. Mom sat down next to me on the bed. I felt her fingers in my hair. "I'm sorry, baby. It was a shock. It isn't so bad."

Her apology just made me cry harder.

"He's going to hate it!" I wailed.

There it was. The truth.

"A boy. I should have known." She turned my tear stained faced toward her. "His name was Harold Ingram."

"What?" I sniffed.

"Your dad reminded me that when I was your age, I bleached my hair for Harry. He always dated girls with such beautiful blond hair. It was before your dad and I started dating. We were just friends then. Harry was so cool. He wore this amazing leather jacket and he was just so handsome." My mom's eyes glazed over at the memory. A tiny smile played upon her face.

"Harold? You dyed your hair for a guy named Harold?" I asked in surprise. I was picturing a boy with thick black glasses and acne.

My mom laughed a little. "I know his name is terrible, but Harry was really handsome. My hair after the bleaching was not. My eyebrows definitely didn't match my new hair."

I looked at my mother's dark eyebrows and couldn't help smiling. "What happened?"

"He ignored me like usual. I learned a lesson that day, Bella. Never change yourself for a boy," she stated and stroked my face.

"Are you still mad, Mommy?"

"You never call me mommy anymore." She smiled a little and looked at me like she was seeing the real me. At least for right now, I knew it wouldn't last. Adults always forget how hard it is to be my age. "No, baby. You just brought back some painful memories from when I was sixteen. Your dad talked some sense into me."

"Daddy's so smart."

"He has his moments." Mom didn't exactly agree, but close enough. "You know if you wash your hair a couple of times after dying, you can tone it down a bit."

"Really, Mom?"

She kissed my forehead. "It doesn't hurt to try."

Sometimes all you need was your mom to make it all okay.

XXXXXX

"I still don't understand why you did that to your hair! And that outfit is social suicide, Bell! Overalls! You look like a farmer!" Jessica was like a broken record today. She hadn't stopped making me feel miserable about my new look all day. We stood at our lockers to gather our lunches before heading to the cafeteria. I was dreading lunchtime.

I looked at a strand of my hair. It wasn't as intense after several washings. It had been growing on me, until Jess started pointing out how gross I looked. "I'm trying something new."

"New? That shirt certainly isn't! Did you dig that out of the back of your dad's closet." She poked at one of the sleeves of the flannel shirt I wore over my overalls and tee-shirt with her finger.

It _was_ one of my dad's flannels that he hadn't worn in a few months, because Mom had been pushing him into more professional attire to wear around the house to get him motivated to find a new job. In response, Dad decided to wear undershirts only. It would have been funny if it didn't lead to so much fighting.

The shirt was so soft and smelled like the Old Spice my dad liked wearing. I found myself sniffing it throughout the day. It was a comforting smell when trying to ignore all the looks I had gotten since I arrived at school.

"Mike will never go out with you looking like this!" She hissed at me.

Her locker was filled with pictures of the two of us together and others of all of us in a group in polo shirts and khaki shorts. There was one picture of me wearing a sundress and standing next to Mike. That girl was smiling so bright that she looked like her mouth was going to hurt from the action. She fit with Mike in his Letterman jacket with his floppy, blond hair falling over his eyes. I glanced at my reflection in the small mirror on the door with my wild, red hair and overalls. I didn't fit in those images anymore.

"I don't want to date Mike. He's nice and all, but—"

She stomped her foot. "Tyler wants to do a double date!"

"Jess, this is all about you going out with Tyler?" I felt like I didn't know this girl anymore.

"No . . . Maybe a little." Jess looked guilty for a moment, then she grabbed my face to look in my eyes. "Are you on drugs?"

I pulled away. "Of course not!"

"I didn't think so. Your eyes aren't bloodshot." Her nose wrinkled as she slammed the door of her locker closed. Jess frowned at me and added, "Your mom will kill you if you get a nose ring."

"She didn't kill me for the hair." I gave a half-hearted chuckle that made Jess's frown deepen even more.

If I hit her on the back, I wondered if her face would freeze that way. It would serve her right.

"Oh my God, Swan has clown hair!" Tyler shouted as he threw an arm around Jess's shoulder. I guess they were on again and I should get a job at Ringling Brothers Circus.

Jess faltered a second and it seemed that she was debating to laugh at Tyler's words or support me. She went with a combination of both. Her laughter was forced, as she hit him in the waist. "Oh stop, Ty!"

"Don't sit next to me, Krusty," he stated. His words were mean. Tyler wasn't joking.

"Like the clown on The Simpsons!" Jessica exclaimed, smiling up at Tyler. "You're so smart!"

It amazed me how girls can act so dumb around boys. He was being mean to me and she just acted like Tyler was amazing. Of course, I just dyed my hair electric red for a guy. I really had no room to judge, except for the fact that her guy was so mean and I was about to cry. Jessica should be defending my hair no matter how much she hated it.

"I think its cool," Mike said. I hadn't noticed him standing near Tyler. He was a quiet guy, always standing on the periphery. "You look like you should be on MTV. Like on a video."

"Thanks, Mike," I said quietly and looked at my sneakers.

Tyler yawned. "It looks shitty. Are we going to lunch or what?"

He started to pull Jessica away and she looked back at me. "You coming?"

"No. I have other plans." I stood in the hallway, as they started to walk away. Jess glanced back at me and looked conflicted for a second, but she faced forward as Tyler put his arm around her waist.

I felt so very alone.

"Why did you do that?" A voice asked behind me. I turned to find Jasper Whitlock looking at me in confusion.

"Do what?" I found Jasper infuriating.

I knew him since pre-school. He still had the same crazy, yellow curls that framed his face in a puff ball, and his mom still dressed him in oxford button downs and khaki pants. Jasper had never stopped judging every single thing I did. You would think he would outgrow it from the days when we were four and he would critique the way I wrote my name.

"You dyed your hair. Your parents let you?"

"No, I do what I want," I answered trying to look tough. I wasn't tough. I was that meek little mouse trying to puff herself up against the Cowardly Lion.

Jasper went into his brown paper lunch bag and pulled out a package of raisins. "We have college interviews coming up. You will never get into Harvard. Your life is ruined. Want one?" 

He pushed the raisin box in my face. I pushed it away. "No."

In the corner of my eye, I saw Edward walk past and stare at us. He looked and I looked back. He didn't even sneer at my hair. We just gazed. I was falling.

"Jesus, Bella, you did that for a guy?" Jasper looked sick at the idea. "You ruined your future for some stoner?"

"Shut up, Jasper!"

Before I could punch him, Alice and Jacob flanked me from either side. My arms linked with theirs.

Alice winked at Jasper. "Hey stud muffin, you want a date?"

"No!" Jasper scoffed, but there was a small blush on his face. "I need to study!"

He scampered off to the library. That's where he always ate. His mother made him study for his SAT's during his free time. Moments like these made me feel sorry for him, but he always had to open his mouth to ruin it.

"Have I mentioned how awesome your hair is, La Bella?" Jacob asked. "If I hadn't, I must say it is scorching hot."

"My Isabella is a beautiful flower among the weeds of Forks High!" Alice sang in her high pitched opera voice. "Off to lunch we go."

"I was going to eat—" Well I had no clue where I would eat my lunch. I would probably end up sitting in the library with Jasper.

Jacob placed his head on my shoulder. "With us."

"I have lollipops." Alice placed her head on my other shoulder. "It's Thursday, the day of the pop. Wednesdays are for candy necklaces."

XXXXXX

Lollipops were an understatement.

Alice had dumped that giant purse of hers onto the cafeteria table. Every inch in front of her was covered with candy.

"I think you might be an addict, Alice. A candy addict," I said with a sigh and grabbed up a package of Skittles.

"I'm an addict of many things, darling, but this is the best one." She popped a piece of chocolate in her mouth. "Sugar is the most important food group of the day."

Jacob threw an empty milk carton at her head causing her to snort. His hair was in pigtails and I had to force myself not to run my fingers through the thick, black waves. It was beautiful.

We were sitting near the windows. Staring out of the glass, I had decided that having views of the outdoors was a horrible tease. Eating outside today would be wonderful. The air was warm and there was a slight breeze. It was just stuffy inside these bland cafeteria walls.

"Pass me a cherry lollipop, Al," Tanya Denali demanded. She was sitting across from me with her friends whose names were still a mystery to me. They were almost twins with their hair like sunshine and dressed in oversized band tee-shirts that were cut shorter in ragged edges. She looked at me asked, "You new here?"

"Isabella, has been—" Alice began, but Tanya held her hand up.

"I wasn't talking to you, Al," she said, still staring at me.

This girl made me nervous. She was this pretty senior who wrote music reviews for the school paper. She was cool. "I've been around. Alice and Jacob invited me to sit with them."

"Awesome," she stated with a nod. "Kate and Irina, this is our new lunch friend. Isabella, right?"

I nodded and the two girls glanced from the issue of _Sassy_ magazine they were reading to wave. They immediately resumed reading about Eddie Vedder.

A huge part of me would agree that the lead singer of Pearl Jam would be way more interesting than some weird girl that appeared out of nowhere to eat with them.

Edward was sitting with his friend a couple of seats down. They were shoveling in school pizza and arguing about something that I couldn't determine due to the mumbling. Then they would let go of their food and pretend to strum guitars.

He hadn't glanced in my direction once.

"Jamie, you going to Emmett's tomorrow night?" Tanya asked.

"Yeah, I'm scoring some brews," Edward's friend said, his mouth still full of food. Pieces of pizza flew out of it and landed all around him. He looked embarrassed and covered his mouth with a napkin. "Sorry. You coming, Ed?"

Edward just shrugged noncommittally and started chewing on his straw. Watching his mouth was like the most delicious torture.

Glancing across the cafeteria, I saw Jessica staring at me from my old table in the middle of the room. She looked a little confused and a whole lot of hurt.

Seeing the look in her eyes made me feel awful. Instead if facing my decision head on, I decided to flee.

"Alice, I forgot a book in my locker. I'll see you in art class," I told her, as I gathered up what was left of my lunch.

"Cool, girl." She had Jacob's nails in her hands and was staring at his nails. "Dude, where did you find this color? It's the bomb!"

I waved at the table and rushed out of the room. Maybe I should have taken this whole change thing more slowly?

My head was spinning trying to find new ways to make things right with Jessica. I didn't want to lose a friend over this. At my locker, I banged my head on the metal.

"Hey." I turned slowly to find Edward staring at me. His hands were shoved into his pockets.

"Oh hi!" My voice was Minnie Mouse high again like I sucked on the end of a helium balloon.

He just stood there. I didn't know how long I had to wait to say anything else to him. Should I ask him the weather? That would be pretty lame.

"So—" I started to say.

"I want—" he said at the same time.

"You first," I offered, because he made me tongue tied and I had no clue what to say that wouldn't make me stammer uncontrollably.

Edward glanced down at his combat boots and I found myself looking at them too. More silence.

Finally, he said as his face rose. "You shouldn't. . . You know. . . Sit with me."

"I'm not. I'm sitting with Alice," I said looking at him.

"Oh. . . Yeah. . . Well . . . I'm a not your type . . . of—" He ran his hands through his hair. "You're everywhere, you know that?"

"I go to school here, so I kinda have to be on the grounds."

"Right. Yeah." He moved closer to me, so my back was pressing against my locker and his chest was almost pressing into me. "Why are you always biting your lip?"

I hadn't noticed I had been doing it, but I certainly noticed how he took his finger to pull my lip away from my teeth.

"You always bite a pencil. I guess we both have an oral fixation," I said. I didn't think it was possible for him to press any closer, but he managed it.

"We do?" he asked. There was this little smile on his face and it was the sweetest thing. "Good thing to know."

He was going to kiss me. My first kiss was going to be in the hallway at school. That was not at all romantic, but I still wanted it. My heart was thumping so hard I thought it was going to explode from my body.

"Do you have the assignment—"

His finger was placed up against my mouth and he leaned his head against mine. "Shh."

I was going to faint on the floor before he could even get close to kissing me.

All of a sudden, he moved away and hit my locker. "See you around."

Edward Cullen was the most confusing boy ever born.

I watched him move toward the stairs, as Alice came behind me and wrapped her arms around my neck. "What the hell was that with, Cullen?"

"You saw that?"

"Of course, I did. I was spying!" She hugged me tighter. "He looked like he was going to kiss you!"

"Maybe? At first he was all like stay away, which made no sense, and then we started talking about oral fixation, because I—"

Alice howled with laughter.

"What?"

Alice moved to the front of me and put her hands on my shoulders. "Little Isabella, let Mama Alice explain the birds and the bees to you. When a boy thinks a girl is swell, he'll stick his male anatomy in her mo—"

I planted my hand over her mouth and squealed, "I knew that already!"

Sort of.

I was accidentally talking to Edward Cullen about blow jobs.

Welcome to high school. My own personal heaven and hell.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Sometimes I think I should title the chapters as episodes instead. **

**Thank you again for reading. **

Chapter 4

The bathrooms in high school are gathering places. We go in large groups like herds to hide out and have conversations mostly about boys. It's a place full of gossip, fighting, and reapplying of make-up. Occasionally, cigarette smoke will fill the air and choke you when all you need to do is wash your hands.

I can't help wondering if the teachers have completely tuned out and have given up caring about what happens in this room unless they wander in accidentally. Maybe dealing with all our teenage angst when trying to teach us math or whatever makes them just not want to concern themselves with us when we leave the classroom.

All the drama around me doesn't make me want to be around my classmates either, so I get it.

"Tomorrow is going to be so chill, Jessie! You like excited?" I heard Lauren Malloy say. I could imagine her smearing her lips with that Cherry Lip Smacker gloss that made them look all gooey.

"I am! Ty said he was taking me somewhere special. I like have no idea where." I heard her giggle loudly.

"The back of his car!" Lauren made this weird high pitched giggle. I heard Jess make a squeaking noise. Lauren then laughingly added, "Don't slap me, bitch! You know you would love it."

I made a face from my hiding place in one of the stalls. My feet were resting on the seat and my arms crossed on my knees with my head placed on them. It was the most uncomfortable and slightly yucky position to be in, but you couldn't pay me to go out there.

Just imagining how uncomfortable it would be to have to talk to them made me feel nauseous. In that case, my new toilet chair was probably the best place to be.

"I have like a gift certificate for Forever 21." Jess agreed. "I would love to get a new dress for tomorrow night. Maybe something cut like a little low. I'll, you know, like have to wear a cardigan so my mom doesn't notice."

Like is an overused word around here. I feel as if i'm spying on a Molly Ringwald eighties movie. This isn't the way Jessica talks. I'm listening to a stranger.

Lauren laughed again. It was as horrible to my ears as if someone raked their nails down a chalkboard. Once the awful noise she made stopped, Lauren asked, "Should I pick you up after breakfast? We can get like lunch at Sabarro's after we go shopping."

Sabarro's? If Lauren knew Jessica at all, she would know that Jess likes a chicken sandwich and fries from Burger King or the kung pow chicken at the Gentle Panda Joy. Pizza was never an option, because Jess thought it gave her pimples.

Saturday at the mall was what Jessica and I did every weekend. One of our parents would drop us off in the morning and we would wander around, buying cheap earrings from one of the kiosks. At some point, we would find ourselves outside of the Foot Locker watching cute boys getting new shoes for whatever sports they were playing at the time. It was our day and now she was going to do with it a cool girl that has a car. I was going to end up raking leaves with my dad. Life was so unfair.

"You can get pizza, Lauren. Tyler said I'm looking a little fat in my butt. I think I'll just get a yogurt or maybe a smoothie."

Jessica looked great. I couldn't believe she let that jerk say that to her.

"Like you can never be too careful about fat," Lauren stated. "I'll get a smoothie too, I guess."

I almost let out a gag, but covered my mouth to stifle it.

"Did you hear something?" Jessica asked.

"Nope. Probably the pipes or something," Lauren replied. "Are you going to invite Bella to come?"

Jessica was quiet for a bit. "We could. It might be nice. I think she's going through some things. I was kind of mean to her and—"

"It's called tough love, Jessie. She's hanging out with losers on drugs. She's probably smoking like crack or something. The only way to show her we care is to ignore her until her hair looks good again."

"I guess you're right. Tyler said, you know, the same thing." Jess was silent for a moment and added, "Its better this way."

"Absolutely! If she wants to be uncool then let her. Don't let her like drag you down with her."

Tears threatened to fall and I wiped one that managed to escape with my sleeve.

The door to the bathroom opened. The person who entered made Lauren yell, "You don't belong in here!"

"Oh I belong everywhere, sugar. My fabulousness is legendary." I heard Jacob say to her. I tried to not to laugh as I continued to cover my mouth.

Lauren said angrily, "I'm going to tell the principal, Jacob Black!"

He didn't sound impressed. "Of course, you're not. It would waste valuable lip gloss time. You need to add some more. I don't think you have enough on so your lunch will stick to it. I thought those potato chip crumbs you had stuck on your face yesterday was lovely."

"Go to hell, Jacob! Come on, Jessie!"

Jessica quietly said, "Bye."

The door slammed behind them, allowing me to laugh. I did it so forcibly that I fell off my awkward seat and landed head first into the metal stall door. I stumbled back up to escape the stall.

"Bella Swan? Are you playing Harriet the Spy in there? You're a little old for that game, I think," Jacob said as I opened the door, rubbing my sore head.

"It was unintentional." I gave him a smile before washing my hands. "You know the bathroom for the guys is down the hall."

"I'd rather take my chances with vapid airheads than raging meatheads, sugar plum." He leaned in to look at himself in the mirror and used his pinky to fix his eyeliner. "Why the sad face? Friday is a day of joy."

Friday used to be the best day of the week. I don't think it's going to be that way anymore.

"Really? Day of joy? My weekend will consist of chores and yard work. There's also tonight's special movie chosen by my sister. She just got Free Willy on tape from my grandma."

Jake wrinkled his nose. "The one with the killer whale?"

"Yup."

"Oh girl, I pity you." He looked solemn for a moment, then a smile lit up his face. "Do you trust me?"

"I don't know. Do I?"

Jacob bounced on his heels. "I might have a good surprise planned. Let me check on some things first."

For the first time all day, I felt hope.

XXXXXX

That hope was dashed by dinner time. Nothing more was said about a surprise and I sat at the island in the kitchen smearing tomato sauce on an english muffin.

It was Friday night English Muffin Pizza Party. That was the official title. Dad had been doing this since I was little, and it had been losing the appeal recently.

"That looks disgusting," Bree announced as she poured only cheese onto her muffin.

"Like your face," I retorted, as I carefully placed pepperoni on it to make a face. I had been making my pizza this way since I was younger than Bree.

She glared at me and stuck out her tongue. So mature.

"Yeah . . . Fine, Renee. Would you like me to save you some—" My dad was listening on the kitchen phone to my mother drone on about something. He twirled the cord around his finger. "Okay. . . Sure. . . Bye."

He hung up the phone back on the base which was hanging up on the wall. It was weird, because he just stared at it looking sad. That wasn't my dad. He was almost always smiling. Suddenly, Dad looked so much older.

"Dad? You want some olives for yours?" I asked with a fake smile. Sometimes you just need to lighten the mood, because it was easier than to try and figure out where the sadness was coming from. It was too scary to find out.

"Sure, kiddo." He turned around slowly. He looked a little happier, I imagined. Of course, who knew. Parents hid things from their kids all the time. Maybe, it was better that way. "So Mom has to work late tonight and we have to fend for ourselves. Not to wait up. That Phil is a slave driver."

He tried to sound like he was joking, but he wasn't smiling.

Phil, Mom's boss was so gross. He wore gold chains and had this really dark hair that looked like it was covered in oil. Mom thought he was the greatest guy, because he told her that he couldn't do anything without her. If I was Mom working everyday with him, I would get creeped out by the way he was always rubbing her shoulders. It was nasty.

I also hated the way he would always pat our heads when we went to visit Mom's office. Old Phil treated us like we were babies. Bree stomped on his foot one day when he was cooing at her about My Little Ponies. It was awesome. I gave her some Pokémon cards for doing such a good job. Mom was furious, but by the way dad was grinning, it was so worth it.

"What about the movie, Daddy?" Bree asked looking annoyed. It was her normal expression. It was quite possible that she was a changeling and I had a cool sister somewhere in the world looking for me.

"Well, monkey, we'll just watch it without your mom." He started putting the pizzas in the oven.

She crossed her arms and the pouting face appeared. "I'm _not_ watching it without Mommy. I'll just read my new _Babysitter__'__s Club_."

Saved by the missing mom. This night was slightly looking up.

The doorbell rang and my dad looked confused. "I wonder who that could be. You girls think of another movie to watch while I get the door. I refuse to have Friday Fun Night be ruined."

"Let's watch the _Mighty Ducks_," Bree suggested.

"Let's watch Bella's brains ooze out of her ears." I went to the oven to check our dinner. "_Buffy the Vampire Slayer._"

"No way would Daddy let us go and rent that! It's a _scary _movie, Bella! It's my turn to choose anyway!" Bree threw a pepperoni at me. What a brat!

Moments later, my dad appeared followed by Alice who was carrying a large, floral bag covered in buttons from tourist sites. She looked gleeful and gave me a wave.

"You forgot to tell me that you invited a friend over, Bella," Dad stated with a frown. "We need to make more pizza."

"Isabella is a forgetful girl, Mr. S. She's always so busy studying! We talked about it on Tuesday and she probably just lost all memory of it due to math." Alice flashed me a smile. "Never fear, Isabella, I'm here to save the day with sleepover fun!"

She was a weekend miracle.

Bree watched Alice, quietly taking her in. Alice was like a hurricane and all you could do was watch her spin.

My sister finally spoke when Alice slipped out of her jacket. It was a meek voice I wasn't used to. "I like your shirt."

It was a tied dyed tee-shirt and Bree looked in awe of it.

"I'll teach you how to make one," Alice offered.

By the look on Bree's face, Alice had a new follower.

"Can I make you a pizza with the works?" My dad said with a smile. "It's Alice, right?"

"It is and I can definitely eat." Alice opened her bag and pulled out a baggie filled with candy. "I brought dessert."

Bree dived for a Push Pop and my dad looked overjoyed at the sight of the candy. Mom only allowed us to have a small amount of sugar with a slightly larger amount for holidays. She never seemed to mind being around candy or pastries, but the rest of us were sugar fiends. Our daily allotment was never, ever enough.

Alice sat down next to me on a stool and gave me a wink. "I guess if you forgot about our sleepover, you forgot to ask your dad about the movie."

"Movie?" My dad asked. I was equally confused.

"There's a _Rocky Horror Picture Show_ sing-a-long at the Palisades. It looks like a blast. People dress up and everything," she explained.

It did sound cool.

My dad looked wistful. "I was Frank N. Furter for one of those, girls. It was the greatest experience."

"You are so cool, Mr. S!" Alice exclaimed and was rewarded with my Dad giving her one of our secret sodas that was hidden in a mini fridge in the basement. "It starts in a couple of hours."

My dad was so wrapped around her little finger.

"You want me to drop you off?" he asked. It was amazing to watch Alice's power.

"Awesome! My cousin Pete can bring us back here afterward. He's going to be Riff-Raff!"

"That sounds fun," my dad stated without grilling her about her cousin. My mouth had dropped open in shock.

Alice pulled me up. She looked at my sweatshirt and jeans. "We are going to get changed while the pizzas finish. Do you think I can talk Isabella into dress up like Magenta, Mr. S?"

"Good luck with that," Dad said with a laugh.

I led her up the stairs. "I can't believe you talked my dad into this! I've never seen it."

"You won't be seeing it tonight either. We're going to Emmett's party," she whispered excitedly.

"What?"

She squeezed my hand. "Surprise! Jacob will be thrilled his plan worked!"

XXXXXX

The house was at the end of a dead end road that was close to the woods. There was no other houses around it which was probably a good thing, because I had always heard it was a place to party. It was unassuming with the white picket fence and the blue paint of the house looked to be peeling from under the porch light near the door. The only thing that indicated that there was something going on inside was the loud rap music that was coming through the windows.

"Always with the Biggie Smalls," Alice complained to Jacob. "Em needs some new tunes."

Jacob poured a pixie stick in his mouth before answering. "Don't complain again, Al. Emmett will ban you from his house for a month."

"I come bringing his brownies. He'll be nice," she pointed out. "How long will it take to take Pete to get the beer?"

"He's heading to that convenience store a few miles back," Jacob explained. He looked at the worried expression on my face. An arm was put around my shoulder. "Don't be nervous. Just have a Coke and listen to some music. It's no big deal. Emmett's brother is a cop. He keeps the rest of his police buddies away."

It wasn't the police that worried me, at least not _too_ much. It was all the lies we told to get here that was weighing on my conscience.

Pete wasn't Alice's brother, I found out in the car ride here. I think he was Jacob's second adopted cousin or something like that. He was at the theater with Jacob when my dad dropped us off and politely introduced himself to my dad. His lack of costume didn't bother my dad in the least. As soon as my dad pulled away, we piled into Peter's dented Honda Civic and headed here.

"Come on, Isabella." Alice linked her fingers with mine. "Emmett is loud, but harmless."

We entered a room that was filled with a mixture of adults and high school students drinking beers and smoking. Under the blue lights that were coming from the lamps, everything looked eerie from the cigarette smoke. My eyes immediately went to Edward who stood with an unlit cigarette hanging from his mouth and a beer in his hands. Tanya and the Doublemint gum twins were chatting next to him and he looked completely bored.

That was until he looked at me. Somehow he managed that tiny smile of his with the cigarette still in his mouth. Of course, he could have been looking at Alice. It didn't stop me from feeling thrilled.

"What did you bring me, little Al?" A big guy with dark curls walked up to us and interrupted my staring at Edward. He held a Colt 45 in his hand and took a long swig out of it.

"Emmett this is my girl, Isabella." She reached into her bag and pulled out a tupperware container of brownies and handed them to him. I guess she noticed my eyes light up at the sight. "None for you, Isabella. These are filled with Mary Jane. You'll be staying a good girl tonight."

Jacob passed me a lollipop. "Only sugar. Let's take it slow with these new wild nights for you."

I popped it in my mouth and Emmett's eyes twinkled. His dimples were so deep they looked like caverns. "You brought me a sweet, little girl? That's even better than brownies."

"Back off, Em. I don't want Rosie to try to kill her," Alice stated moving closer to me.

Emmett just laughed. "She's fucking Royce again. I get a free pass for a few weeks."

"She's always having sex with that guy," Alice said with a shrug. "Still doesn't mean she won't beat a girl up."

"Damn straight!" The big guy cackled.

Jacob whispered in my ear, "Rosie is his old lady. I think they might be married or something. They have tattoos on their ring fingers, so maybe."

I glanced at the guy's thick fingers to see what looked like a drawing of barbed wire around one of them. This was so out of my realm of reality.

"Baby girl, you want to listen to some Wu Tang in my room?" Emmett asked me. He ran a finger down my cheek.

"Nope. No way. No how." Alice grabbed the bottle out of his hand and took a drink. "Let me go with you to take the brownies to the kitchen and away from the pretty girl. Jake take care of her."

Jacob nodded and replaced Alice's hand with his.

Emmett exclaimed as Alice pulled him away, "I'll catch you later, baby!"

This was really uncomfortable. I would feel better if we just stayed at the movie. It would have been more fun. "Jake, I—"

"Hold that thought, Bell! I'll be right back!" He ran toward a girl in pigtails. "Claire! I need to tell—"

I was left all by myself. I was surrounded by strangers and it felt very lonely. I wished there was a corner I could hide in.

A hand placed on my arm. I turned to find Edward. His cigarette had disappeared. "You're here."

"Yeah." In the blue light he looked even more otherworldly beautiful.

"You shouldn't be like here, you know," he stated. His eyes were so big and he made me feel awful.

"I'll disappear then. Don't worry about it," I spat. The anger just flowed out of me. It came out of somewhere unexpected.

"It's . . . God, not like that at all." He took his free hand and ran it through his hair. His hand left my arm and went to my waist. Edward leaned close to my ear. "Emmett is like . . . I don't know. Bad news or something like that."

I felt lightheaded. His mouth was so close to my ear. I whispered, "I'll be okay."

His lips were almost touching my earlobe. I could feel the heat of his breath. "He likes using girls. It isn't good for you to be here, umm . . .You . . . Girl—"

"You don't know my name!" I pulled away sharply. I shouldn't be mad, I knew he was clueless. Mostly about me.

"Angela?"

"No. Wrong answer." I took a deep breath. "I'll be fine. I'm going to find Jacob."

Fifteen minutes later after practically running away from Edward, I was standing next to Jacob and willing this night to be over.

Edward came over to us and I stood taller, trying to appear strong. I refused to let him to get under my skin again. "Hey Jake, Pete wants you to go now. He'll drop you off. He found some girl and wants to take her to his place. I'll take Alice and Bella home."

He looked at me like he was proud or something. Perhaps I should give him a cookie for being a good boy.

"Damn Pete," Jacob complained. He kissed my cheek. "See you later, pretty Bella."

I looked at Edward with a scowl. "Who told you? My name?"

"Pete. Now I'll never forget." He took my hand and just like that I forgave him.

XXXXXX

The ride would have been quiet, except for Alice talking behind us the whole time with her head leaning in between the seats.

Edward was holding my hand as he drove. When he needed to shift, my hand went with his and it felt we were doing it together. It felt wonderful.

When we finally pulled up, the lights to my house were mostly out. I wondered if my mother had arrived home yet.

"I will let you two say your good-byes and head off any parents that might be awake. Keys?" She held out her hand and I put them in her hand. She rubbed Edward's head. "See ya, Cullen."

The door slammed and there was silence. I unbuckled and was surprised to find him doing the same. He shifted to face me. Edward's hand went to my cheek and he stroked it slowly. "You are so different."

"Different? What do you mean?" I was leaning into his touch.

Edward gave that sweet smile that might just be for me. "I dunno, you're just different."

I guess that was a good thing.

His one finger stroked my lips. "I want to live on a ranch, I think."

"Oh?"

That finger of his made my lips tingle. "Yeah."

"Do you like horses?"

"Not really," he said.

"Oh."

He moved one hand to behind my neck and pulled me in. "Wide open spaces and clouds everywhere."

My words were gone. All I could do was stare at him.

He took a breath and removed his finger from my lips. Instead his mouth went onto mine and he plunged his tongue into my mouth. I choked on it.

"Oh my God!" I shouted as I moved away.

"What's wrong?"

"You just don't, you know, put your tongue in a girl's mouth like that, Edward!"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "I don't get it!"

"A first kiss is supposed to be sweet!" I probably sounded like an idiotic, little kid. I felt so embarrassed. "I need to go."

"Wait. It was your first kiss?" He pulled me away from the door and against him. His eyes looked into mine. "Let's try this again."

What happened next was like the most beautiful fireworks. His lips moved so gently on mine. His fingers twisted in my hair.

Edward stopped and gave me three more soft pecks on my forehead. "How was that?"

"Better," I admitted with a grin and a giggle.

"Much better," he agreed with my favorite smile.

"I need to go," I giggled again.

He kissed my palm. "See you around."

I stumbled out of his car still a giggly and happy mess.

This was a diary worthy night to be recorded. Both the good and bad were a story that I would want to remember for years to come. I pressed my fingers to my mouth to try to relive it again.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Thank you for reading. **

Chapter 5

A vacant parking lot after school seemed like a place of sadness to me. The cars have gone and the voices that were carried on the wind have vanished. The joyful sounds of life has disappeared. It's a ghost town and there's a chill in the air that is going through my jacket. A place doesn't truly come alive unless people are in it to give the surroundings life.

It's the dreaded emptiness that makes me nervous. Like that old black and white zombie movie that was on late at night when I should have been in bed. There's nothing around you and then a rotting hand grabs your shoulder. At least I wasn't on a farm. That would be scarer than outside of the high school. That horrible movie is still giving me nightmares.

I have no clue if anything my brain is coming up with makes any sense at all. Zombies? There's nobody here and I'm sitting on cold concrete by myself. It makes you think. At least my thoughts aren't obsessing about the kiss again. Never mind, because there I go again. If I close my eyes I can see that perfect mouth of his coming closer and closer. His lips pressed onto mine.

That jerk hasn't spoken to me since it happened. I think he gave me some odd salute, but it was probably to James who has a locker nearby.

I swear if my father has forgotten that I had French Club this afternoon, I will never speak to him again. I'm serious. Never again will words will leave my mouth, even if he threatens to lock me in my room forever. At least I'll have my walkman.

Mademoiselle Gomez would have given me a ride home. Of course, she's probably at her house and comfortable watching TV or grading papers. I bet she has _Days of Our Lives_ recorded on her VCR and can watch it whenever she wants. She's so lucky. My mother won't let me watch it. The woman is a dictator.

It's getting dark and the school's locked. I can't even use the pay phone, because its inside.

I clicked my new boots together and observed the thick, black leather coming together. They weren't actually new, but a present from Alice. She had found a pair at a thrift shop on Harris Avenue. It was this cool, little place that played jazz and you could buy housewives dresses from the fifties. I never knew they had Doc Martens hidden with the kitten heels and costume jewelry, but they did. Now Mom complains about my new ugly shoes every time I walk past her.

That's whenever she's home, which is almost never.

Mothers are supposed to be available, you know, whenever you need them. What if I needed to talk to her about women things like tampons or ask why my breasts aren't the size of Jess's? Why my heart feels like it's bursting every time I see Edward? I can't talk to Dad about these things. He helps with my homework, not navigate me toward becoming a woman. That would be way too embarrassing. Dad would act all weird and use books or something.

"Isabella, what are you doing here?" Alice asked.

It would be a lie not to admit she made me jump in fear. I swear to myself to never watch late night horror movies ever again.

She plopped down next to me and Jacob sat next to her. It felt good to be back in our trio again.

"French club was today. I'm waiting for my dad to pick me up." I glanced at my watch. "He's really late. What are you guys doing here?"

"Mocking the performance of the football team during their practice. Very quietly, of course. Those boys are very sensitive," Jacob explained. He watched Alice take a drink out of a _Transformers_ thermos. "Take it easy, Al."

"I'm good." She said this with a slight slur. It was so slight, I wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't fixated on her too bright cheeks and the way her eyes were watery like they were filled with dew. It reminded me of when my mom drank to much merlot with her books club. They would all laugh a little too loud and their reactions too slow.

The idea of alcohol terrified me. A little, I think. It's hard enough to be a teenager with the way my mind is all jumbled. I don't think a beer would make anything clearer.

Maybe Alice was coming down with a bad cold. One could only hope.

Jacob didn't seem to be thinking the same excuses as I was for Alice. His face was contemplative for a moment as he gazed at her, but it relaxed and he began to smile. "I know what we're doing Saturday night."

"Going to Emmett's?" Alice asked. "He thinks Isabella is purty girlie. That's a direct quote."

"I'll pass on that one." I wasn't quite sure if I would ever be ready to go there again. I suggested, "I'm sure there's something to watch at the movies."

Jacob looked at us with dismay. "The dance! We have to go!"

"We don't have dates," I stated the obvious. There was no way I would go there and hang out by the wall.

"Dates aren't needed! We have each other!" Jacob clapped his hands. "You can invite Edward. It would be so romantic. Kissing under the tacky tinfoil stars."

Alice put down her thermos. "That isn't a good idea. Cullen doesn't do activities in school."

"You'll think he'll say no?" I was pretty sure he wouldn't be caught dead at the dance, but there was always this glimmer of hope in my chest.

"I'm not saying that! I just don't want you to get your feelings hurt." She wrapped her arm around me and placed her head on my shoulder. "I want only happy Isabella."

"It would be romantic, Alice! I think he has a poet hidden inside that broody male model face. How about, no matter what, we go together," Jacob said. He wasn't going to take no for an answer. Suddenly, he shivered. "Fall's coming up fast. Get your stuff and Pete will drive you home."

He pulled me up and then Alice. I looked around the still empty parking lot. "What about my dad?"

"He forgot, honey," Jacob stated sadly. "Come with us and let's talk about your hair for Saturday. I'm thinking about braids."

XXXXXX

I don't know why I didn't just barge in. Stomping and yelling about being forgotten, even though I had a great time riding around with my friends. I would never admit that though. My anger was too important of a tool at the moment to get some extra guilt allowance.

The fight made me pause. Their voices were hoarse making me think that they had been going at it for hours. It didn't sound like my parents. Sometimes they would snap at each other, but what they were doing to each other made them sound like strangers.

That's why my hiding behind the door listening to my parents screaming at each other was probably a horrible idea. I could have just walked in and stopped it, but I was frozen.

"How about you just head back to work, Renee?" I heard a pot being tossed into the sink. The noise of it hitting the sink echoed through the house. "You'd rather be there anyway."

"What would you know? I'd rather be with my family, but one of us needs to support the family. Would you rather have the children starve, so we can all play Twister together in the freezing cold? Maybe that's the perfect game. We'll need the body heat, because we won't be able to afford to heat our home," Mom snapped.

There was more banging of pans. "I'm sure old Phil will support you. Get you all heated up."

"Jesus, Charlie, stop it. Phil's my boss!"

"You never slept with him?" Oh my God.

My mom let out an offended gasp. "Of course not!"

I rested on my head on the wood paneling of the door. It was cool on my heated face. I shouldn't be hearing this. I didn't want to know any of these things.

"Why is your face looking like that, Renee? What are you hiding?"

My mom's face was like an open book. My father could always read her better than anybody.

"Fine! He kissed me! It was a simple kiss and nothing more. I told him to stop and that my family was too important," she admitted. "Wouldn't it be better if you stayed in the dark?"

Yes.

"No. A kiss is still _huge, _Renee. The fact that you are so blasé about it makes me completely question who I married. You need to quit." His voice was so quiet it was almost a whisper. This was the angry version of Dad. The quieter he got, the more furious he was.

"It won't happen again! I laid out the boundaries! We need for me to work!" My mother was pleading. I could picture her ringing her hands.

"Quit." My dad was not going to bend.

My mother was silent. I could hear the steady ticking of the cuckoo clock. Could they hear my heart? It sounded like a thunderstorm.

Finally, she said quietly, "Get a job and I'll think about it."

Neither of my parents were taking any prisoners.

"I'm not going to let you whore around with my girls in the same house," Dad spat.

Mom let out a sharp laugh. "You're one to talk. How about that cooking instructor?"

"She's in her eighties. I think I can control myself."

The door opened and I heard footsteps down the hall. Bree was yelling the whole time, "You forgot me! There was no one there!"

I stepped out from behind the doorway and pressed my finger to my lips. I said loudly, "I know! It was seriously not cool!"

My parents' faces as we walked in looked embarrassed, but they tried to cover it up.

"Monkey, Mom and I got our wires crossed on who was going to pick you girls up today," Dad lied. "We are so very sorry. It won't happen again."

The only thing they were concerned about was tearing each other apart. If Bree and I are were still stranded at school, I doubt they would have noticed.

Bree was threw her backpack on the ground. "Jane's mom dropped me off! Do you know how embarrassing that is? She offered to buy us food at the grocery store! She thinks we're poor!"

My mind was still trying to make sense of my parents fighting. What if they got a divorce? Would we have to move and change schools? Who would I live with?

I was making this all about me. I knew it was bigger than a teenage girl petty needs to stay in the same school/. There was a little sister who was going to be devastated. My parents wouldn't be in love anymore. I remember the story of their first date at a roller skating rink. Mom kept falling, but Dad was right there to keep her upright and try to steal kisses. If their love couldn't make it, what hope was there for the rest of us?

"Are you sick? Your face looks like you're going to throw up." Bree's voice interrupted my thoughts.

"I'm fine," I said, not bothering to insult her. I just looked down at my toes. "I have a lot of homework. I'm just going to go upstairs."

"Bella?" My dad asked quietly. "Do you want some—"

I looked up and Dad's frown grew. He knew that I had heard everything. I guess I got easy to read from my mom.

"Really, I have a big project for english class to work on." I held the strap of my book bag tightly. I could feel the fabric cut into my palm.

"But, Bell—"

I just turned and walked up the stairs.

A few hours later, I was buried in my covers pretending it was a secret hideout and I could cry without interruption. There was a quiet knock on the door, but I closed my eyelids tight and willed them to go away. I heard the door open, but I just kept pretending to be asleep until they walked out a few minutes later.

I didn't know if it was Mom or Dad, but I wasn't ready to talk about what I heard and I doubted that I ever would be.

XXXXXX

"I have a question," Edward said as he sat next to me.

I could smell him approach before I even saw him. Edward's jacket had a woodsy smell that was coated with the odor of his cigarettes. Maybe his scent was reminiscent of a forest fire.

"Oh." I continued to look at my copy of _Romeo & Juliet_. It was fitting, because love was tragic.

It was decided by me this very morning that nothing except getting good grades was worth the effort. I hadn't slept at all last night after listening to my parents' issues. If their relationship was imploding then all relationships would have the same fate. Edward and his kisses fell in the same category of doom. He is now only talking to me, because he wanted something. That means he wasn't worth any effort of all.

"Well, you know, this . . . Umm . . . Shakespeare," He slowly explained. Sort of.

I flipped a page. "Yeah. I know of this Shakespeare guy. We're studying him in this class."

"Right." He moved in even closer to me. His arms crossed on the desk. "I don't get it."

"Get what?" That when you ignore a girl she might want to punch you in the face.

He whispered in my ear. "They way they talk. It sounds funny. Nothing makes sense."

"It was written in the past. I bet they would think the way you talk is hysterical," I snarked, pulling away slightly. "Your question?"

"Can you help me write my paper?"

Of course that was what he wanted. Get the smart girl all smitten and then have her write a paper for you. Silly me was hoping he was going to invite me to the dance. Silly me is really pathetic.

I wish I could rip him apart with my words. Instead, with head held up high, I said, "I'm pretty busy."

"It's just that—" He began as he shifted. Edward's pinky rubbed against my thumb.

"Hey, Edward!" Jacob bounced over to us.

Edward looked at him in annoyance. "We were, like, talking here."

"I noticed. You going to the dance?" Jake completely ignored Edward's tone. "We're going."

"Nah. Those things are lame." Edward began twisting his ring.

"I can't wait to go with you Jake!" I said brightly, as Edward looked at me in surprise. "It's going to be fun."

All of a sudden, Edward squeezed my hand. "I might see you there. I got to go."

He hopped out of the chair and out the door.

"

You still have class! It hasn't started yet!" I called to him. I shrugged at Jake. "What was that?"

"Edward Cullen, Man of Mystery and Confusion," my friend announced with a smirk.

Jacob was right on the money.

My little, traitorous heart heated quickly in excitement. My sensible brain was filled with dread. That boy was going to be my undoing and I was completely willing to be lead to my destruction.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Thank you for reading. **

Chapter 6

I woke up with dark clouds clouding my thoughts.

Some days, you just know that there's going to be rottenness happening in your day. It just weighs on your chest and it feels like the sadness is just sitting on top of you. You're frozen and can't move under the pressure. Its best to just stay in bed.

Of course, I didn't.

By the time I got to school, I was actually kind of happy to be there. The mood at breakfast table was a mix of fake positive affirmations that today would be terrific from my mother and uncomfortable silence from my usually chipper dad. Bree watched their strained interaction like one would observe a tennis match. Her head whipped back and forth in attempt to try to figure out what in the world was actually happening.

In contrast, I would only look up from my bowl of soggy Cheerios to answer questions about what the cafeteria was having for lunch and if I had any book reports due soon.

The bright yellow school bus was a welcomed sight. I only felt a little guilty for leaving my sister in that toxic kitchen with my parents and their barely concealed glares. At least she only had a short wait until the elementary school bus came to rescue her. It was every girl for herself in this situation.

As the day went on, I thought my escape into teachers' lectures would distract me from sad thoughts of probable divorce and my mom kissing vile Phil, but instead I just wallowed and became more depressed. Mr. Hansen talking about the Revolutionary War made me want to weep.

Edward was MIA. I wondered if he was sick or just hanging out. Tanya was missing too. My mind was a flurry of imagining the worst scenarios of them making out in some car.

"—the soldiers went through the cold landscape and perished from many varied afflictions. We all can imagine the pain of losing limbs from frostbite and slowly dying from hypothermia. But can you imagine that with the limited amount of time to truly hunt for food in a snowy forest, the hunger you experience because you are too busy trying to be alert for upcoming battles with the British soldiers?" Mr. Hansen was obsessed with the death of our forefathers. It was a little disturbing.

Mike had his face down and let out a snore. I wish I could be asleep for this thing too.

Mr. Hansen looked excited as he lifted a piece of furry pelt from his desk. "This is a piece of rabbit that, if the colonials would be lucky enough to catch one, could save them from the delusions from hunger that could destroy a man in winter."

I raised my hand.

"Miss Swan? You want to touch my pelt?"

Oh my God. No.

"I need to go to the bathroom," I explained. I wanted to keep Mr. Hansen's dead rabbit away from me.

"Oh fine," he said, distracted by stroking the fur he was holding. "Grab the pass on your way out. Mr. Biers, take this fur and imagine yourself knee deep in snow—"

My exit from the classroom was quick. I headed down the hall and passed the bathroom that I should have entered. There was no reason for me not to go in, but I just needed to move and think of anything but the wars from the past and the war going on in my own home.

"Want to kiss my fist, faggot?" I heard Tyler's voice in the stairway that headed down to the boiler room. His words were followed by the laughter from several of his football playing buddies.

I stopped moving and gasped as I heard Jacob's pleading. "Come on, Tyler, let me go. I need to get back to class."

"You need to stop going in the girls' bathroom, fag," Eric Yorkie said nastily. "Lauren told us to take care of it."

I needed to get my feet moving. Get someone to help my friend from being hurt. I couldn't move my feet. I was scared.

"Nah man, Jacob here rather get horizontal with one of us. You want a pair of boobs like a girl, Black?" I heard Tyler hiss this.

Finally, I forced myself to look around the corner to see Tyler in his letterman jacket pressing Jacob to the wall by his neck. Eric and Brady Andrews were watching with smirks on their faces and their hands clenched tightly. They were feeding off of Tyler's violence.

"Nope. I'm sure you do though," Jacob said bravely. "I've seen the way you boys squeeze each other's butts. It's positively sensual."

The last part came out as a breathless whisper, because Tyler was squeezing his neck.

"Stop it, Tyler! Get off him!" I yelled and tripped my way down the stairs. My voice was shaky and I was trying not to hunch over in fear. 

"Be weird somewhere else, Swan." Tyler kept staring at Jacob, but he had loosened his grip.

I felt braver and stronger for my friend. "I _said_ get off of him."

My hand went to Tyler's arm to get him to let go of Jacob and instead I was elbowed in the chest. I fell into Brady who held both of my arms tightly. I looked at Jacob who had begun to cry.

"You're going to get in big trouble, Tyler!" I said.

"It was an accident, girl." Brady and Eric laughed, as Tyler stated confidently, "I'm quarterback. He's a queer. You're a freak. Who do you think Principal Colburn will listen to?"

"I don't know why you keep hanging out with gays," Eric said with an eye-roll. "You used to be cool."

He used to be a nice guy. Eric was always helping everybody else when we were in middle school. If I had been home sick from school, Eric was the one who would drop off my homework and a piece of chocolate to make me feel better. That was the problem with high school. You start off knowing who you are, but you're so desperate to fit in that you'll become somebody else just to fit in. Even if it's somebody horrible. Am I that different from Eric? I really don't think so.

"Because Jacob is my friend and I'll be happy for whoever he chooses to be with." I tried to sound tough, but I was shaking like a leaf and my voice was thick with fear. Jacob's tears were catching and I could feel them filling my eyes.

"Stupid choice in friends, girl," Brady stated as he squeezed my arms harder. I let out a pained cry.

The sound of footsteps thundered down the stairs.

"What are hell are you doing?" Mike was so angry and, right behind him, Jessica was looking at us all in shock. "You need to stop this now, Tyler."

"We were just joking around," Tyler stated. He let Jacob go and ruffled his hair. "All good."

"Brady, let Bell go," Jessica demanded. I don't know why, but I collapsed into Jessica's arms. I started crying harder. I was terrified. She asked Brady, "What did you do to her?"

Brady looked annoyed. He always looked annoyed unless he was making fun of someone. The only joy that guy got was from terrorizing others. It was no surprise that he was best friends with Tyler. Two peas in a rotting pod.

"She's just a cry baby. I accidentally pushed her," Tyler spoke up. "There's no problem here. Is there, Jakey?"

Wiping his eyes with his sleeve, Jake answered, "Its fine."

Mike went to stand in-between Jacob and Tyler. "I think we should all head to the principal's office. Doing this shit isn't cool."

"Mike, you gay too? Make sure you don't shower the same time I do after practice." Tyler laughed and punched Mike in the shoulder. I saw Mike wince. It wasn't a good-natured show of camaraderie, but a subtle threat. "We're all buddies here. No harm, no foul. Jess, I'll pick you up at seven." 

"Don't bother," she hissed. She pulled a tissue from her pocket and started wiping my face with it. "I won't be going with you." 

Tyler didn't look like he cared at all. "Cool. Emily was my back-up anyway. Let's go, guys."

We watched them leave in silence.

"Thanks, Mike. It would have been really bad if you didn't come." I went over to squeeze his hand.

"Mr. Hansen wanted me to check on you. I ran into Jess and we heard your voices." Mike turned to Jacob. "I'm really sorry they were bothering you, man. I really think we need to tell somebody."

"No way. It will only get worse if I say something." Jake was resolute in his decision. "Why are you being nice anyway? Those guys are your boys."

Mike shook his head. "I've been reconsidering who I should be hanging out with. What they do isn't okay. I have to think about college and I need to stay away from jerks."

"Don't worry about me, Mike," Jacob stated. He kissed me on the forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow, brave girl."

I wasn't brave. I'm just a messed up kid.

Jess took my hand. "I was on my way to the nurse's office. It's the end of the day. How about I take you and Jacob home?"

"I'll tell Hansen that you weren't feeling well. I'll grab your stuff and bring it to Jess's car," Mike offered.

"Jess—"

"Please. I have a lot to make up for. I miss my friend."

How can someone say no to that?

XXXXXX

Jacob's beautiful hair was gone. It no longer flowed down his back in gentle waves. Instead it was one of those generic cuts that all the sporty guys wore at school. The suit he wore was black and a tad too big. The tie was a striped maroon. It was a costume to make him appear ordinary.

He would never be ordinary. That boy was too full of so many brilliant colors that just needed to flow out. To stifle them was awful.

When he stood at the door after his mom dropped him off, it was like looking at a stranger.

"Jake—" I began softly. There was so many words I wanted to say to him.

Let's tell the truth about what Tyler and his friends did. 

Be your amazing self.

I miss your true smile.

The smile on his face was tight as he pinned the corsage of tiny roses to my dress. "You look really great, Bells."

Flashes from my dad's camera documented a false moment. This wasn't a cute first date between a boy and a girl. It was a boy pretending to be someone who he's not and a girl unable to make things better for him.

"You both look so lovely!" My mom was grinning wildly. "You match!"

My dress was the same color as his tie. She probably had it in her head that we were a matched set. A perfect distraction from my snaps of anger and my moody disposition that Mom was trying to ignore.

She had given me her best diamond studs and allowed me to wear make-up. Guilt had made her desperate. I should have thrown her desperation back into her face, but what can I say, I'm a kid. I was going to take everything she was trying to bribe me with and let my anger continue quietly.

"I thought Alice was coming too?" We had the plan all set when I saw her this morning.

Jacob shrugged. "Pete said he would drive her."

He set this up to look like a date. Oh Jake.

"You kids ready to go?" My dad asked holding out his keys. "You'll be riding in style in the mini van. All the kids will want to have a turn in this sweet ride."

There wasn't much to say, but follow my dad and his corny jokes out to the van. I ignored my mother's waves.

As we buckled up, I whispered, "What is going on with you?"

"For just one night, I want to be like everybody else." He looked out the window as we pulled out of the driveway. "Just one night."

XXXXXX

Twinkling Christmas lights, streamers, and balloons covering the floor couldn't hide that we were just standing in a darkened gymnasium. The smell of sweat still filled the room from this afternoon's basketball practice. It was not a magical, autumnal night though there was a banner saying as much that was hanging up on the wall.

Alice was running up to us as soon as we entered. "What the hell did you do, Black?"

"I'm playing a game. I'm pretending to be somebody else," he proclaimed.

"Pretending to be a douche bag like Tyler? No way, buckaroo," Alice stated and poked him in the stomach. "Isabella let me in on what happened."

"Isabella has a big mouth."

I ignored his dirty look. "I do. Alice agrees that we should tell somebody about what Tyler did."

"You should have done it yesterday," Alice said. "Our Principal is an idiot. He can only deal with the present. The past and future confuses the man."

"Hi guys!" Our stand-off was interrupted by the cheerful Jessica in her ensemble that was an ode to bubblegum pink. "Thanks for letting me hang out with you guys!"

Alice shot me a look and I heard her mutter, "The eighties want their pink back, Molly Ringwald."

I nudged her in the ribs. "Hey, Jess. You look great."

She did, because she looked happier than I had seen her be in a long time. Tyler sucked the real Jessica out and left a mean shell. This girl who was with us now was the real deal.

"Doesn't it look beautiful in here?" Jess was on the decorating committee and the rest of us smiled to make her feel good. Alice's looked more like a demented sneer, but Jess didn't notice.

"Oh my God! They're playing Shaggy! I need to dance! Let's go, guys!" Jess could squeal about dance music like no one else.

Alice and I looked at Jess like she was crazy.

Jacob gave her hopeful look. "I could dance with you. I mean I know that Ty—"

She hugged him. That was her answer to his nervousness after her seeing him be tormented. "Yes! I think you will be an amazing dance partner."

Taking his hand, Jess pulled him to the dance floor. She didn't even glance at Tyler standing by the refreshment table with his new date hanging off of him.

I, on the other hand, found myself watching for Edward. A glance every couple of minutes to make me positive he wouldn't appear.

"I need to find Pete!" Alice exclaimed. She started searching her purse. "I forgot something in his car! I'll be right back!"

So I waited after she dashed off. Alice didn't come back.

And waited some more, as I felt like a loser by myself. I could hang out with Jacob and Jess, but than I would look like a loser because I couldn't dance. There was no way to win in this situation.

I wandered for a bit as I tried not to be bored. That's when I saw him by the entrance to the gym when I was next to the bleachers. Edward, in the warm coat he wore as his armor, looked right at me with his big eyes.

There was no smile. There was no recognition. It was like he saw right through me. I was a ghost of a girl and completely invisible. I watched sadly as he turned and walked right back out.

There was only one thing a person could do in a situation like this. I sat down in a huff. My status as a wallflower was full in effect.

"What's your problem?" Jasper sat next to me. He wore a plaid shirt and the tie that he wore with it was his dad's. I had seen Mr. Whitlock wear it before as he was ringing out customers at his hardware store. It looked like a dad tie. Fitting, because Jasper acted like a dad with no children.

"Nothing."

Jasper was silent for a moment. "Your date left you for Jessica Stanley."

If Jacob was actually my date, I would think that Jasper was a creep for pointing this out. Actually, I though he was a creep anyway.

"We all came as friends," I answered as I picked off the nail polish that I had proudly put on earlier today. It had no more use to me.

"Oh." Jasper looked at his shoes. "I have a date."

"Really?" She must be invisible, because no sane girl would go to anything with Jasper.

He pointed to a girl talking to Jess and Jacob. "Maria."

Maria was the new girl in school. She had dark skin and ebony hair with a laugh that sounded like wind chimes. I heard Brady making snide comments about her weight, but I thought she was beautiful and exotic. I would do anything to have a chest like hers and not one like thirteen year-old boy.

"I don't like to dance and she does. I don't know . . . Well . . . If I like her or anything," he continued.

"Okay." I wasn't sure why he was telling me this. Maybe odd conversations were normal for dances.

Where was Alice? I needed to be saved.

"You look pretty . . . Umm . . . Tonight." Jasper was staring at me and playing with the bottom of his tie. He was rolling it up and letting it unwind, over and over again.

"You have a date," I pointed out. "You should be saying that to her."

"Don't be mean to me. I was being nice, Bella," he scoffed. "It isn't my fault that Edward Cullen made a brief appearance and left."

"Edward Cullen wasn't a part of any discussion, Jasper!" I gripped the metal edge of the bleachers. "He's so not a part of anything at this moment. Why can't you ever just be like a real person?"

"You're too good for him. You know that, right? You like have this thing sometimes. Like you do the stupidest things and it's still special."

"Was that supposed to be a compliment?" He made zero sense.

Jasper placed his hand on mine. "Yes."

I pulled my hand away and saw Maria looking at us. Her face was so sad. I got up and hissed, "I'm out of here."

I made a beeline to my coat. Hanging out in the cold to wait for my dad to pick me up sounded like a terrific plan. It was better than this stuffy gymnasium with fake people and weird boys professing something that was confusing.

The chilly air hit my face as I traveled to the athletic fields. My hands deep into my coat pockets and it felt like all the best and worst parts of autumn all bundled up together.

"Shouldn't you be dancing or something?" Edward sat on the football bleachers with a cigarette in his mouth. Slowly he stood and he wandered over. The lit end of his cigarette slowly turning to ash.

"That's a stinky habit," I pointed out.

He opened those perfect lips slowly and it fell to the ground. His boot crushed it with a series of twists of his ankle. Edward reached into his pocket and pulled out a tin case of Altoids. "Want one?" 

"Yeah." I placed one of the offered mints into my mouth, as I watched him do the same. It made my tongue feel deliciously numb,

Edward blew in my face. It was a slow, minty burst of air that made me shiver. "That better?"

"Yeah." My language skills were not working anymore.

His hands went to my waist. His face close to mine. "Dance with me?"

"There's no music."

Edward began to hum an unfamiliar tune and we swayed in the middle of a field under the bright lights.

It was mere minutes when the humming stopped and he whispered, "I'm going to kiss you now."

I just closed my eyes as his mouth touched mine.

We continued to sway as out lips made up the song.

The sounds of voices interrupted the beauty of the moment.

"Looks like the party's over," I said quietly.

"Need a ride?"

I frowned. "My dad should be here."

His fingers stroked my mouth one final time and he kissed my nose. "I'll see you around."

Edward was a lone figure now walking back to the front of the school. His new cigarette filling puffs of smoke into the atmosphere. Always a mystery that I doubted I would ever solve.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Those of you who have watched the show know what time it is. This is the point that you put your big girl/boy panties on. Remember those times that you were a hormonal teenager and were a ball of bad ideas, but loved messing up anyway? That's this story. Next chapter after this should be up on Friday. **

**Thanks for reading. **

Chapter 7

Kissing.

I could seriously do this all day. Edward's lips tasted like a mixture of the mints he ate to get rid of his cigarette breath and the Coke he was drinking when I found him sitting on a crate.

The feeling of his tongue in my mouth wasn't as weird as I thought it would be. I don't know why I imagined it like a snake or a worm that was entering your mouth. In truth, I think french kissing might be the best feeling in the world.

Edward's hands were like griping my hips and his finger were slightly under the hem of my shirt. He was pressing them into my skin, moving them like he was pressing the keys of a piano.

Seriously, I was missing out on not kissing boys sooner. Kissing parents, my sister, and weird Gram Marie didn't count. This was like an awakening. Every molecule of my body was bursting at the feeling of his mouth brushing mine.

There was a metal fence that I pressed against. I wasn't sure what the reason was to put fencing in the boiler room, but I did know it was not the most comfortable spot to be doing this. It was easy to ignore the sharp metal in my back, because the sensation of his touch numbed me to anything that wasn't making out with him.

The issue I was having was the need to breathe. I could go on until I passed out. The thought of my eyes rolling back, slipping through his arms, and landing in a heap on the floor next to his feet was enough to make me pull my face away. Fainting was a good way to have him never ask me to kiss him again. That would be a travesty.

"What's wrong?" He asked. Edward brushed a stray hair away from the side of my mouth.

I could't look away from the way his nose was slightly crooked. My pointed finger ran down the slope of it. "I needed to take a breath."

"Oh? Yeah, breathing is cool," he stated. His eyelashes fluttered. I loved the way they did that. They were so long for a boy.

He turned his attention to my neck and he sucked on it. The gasp that came out of me was unexpected. Edward just licked my skin and then sucked harder. I found myself putting my hand in his hair. Locks of hair so soft that it felt like tendrils of cornsilk and I was using it as my anchor.

This was like a dream that was set in a nightmare place. Edward's kisses were doing amazing things to me, but the location was a dark, dirty boiler room that held some boxes filled with mystery materials. One would be more likely be the victim of a mask wearing serial killer than a girl getting life changing kisses in a room like this. Of course, in a horror movie those two things would go together.

It all started with a note. I didn't start my morning expecting to be kissing Edward in the dark in a room that we weren't allowed to be in. Instead, I trudged to class like I normally do and reflected on Jacob's new relationship with Maria. He wasn't being real to her or himself. I was trying to think about a way to help him when a folded up piece of paper fell out and onto my shoe. What I read looked like chicken scratch, but when I finally deciphered the words it led me down here to Edward. He placed his hands on my face and his greeting was a kiss. It was the way he should always say hello to me.

I was so scared in that want to run away, but I was unable to move way. Edward drew me in and that was all I wanted.

Now with his both hands on my face, Edward brushed his head against mine. His voice was husky, "You done breathing?"

My nod was answered with a forcible lip lock. I was pulled up tight to his body. He made me want to admit I was falling for him.

We kissed non stop. Every molecule of me wanted to belong to him. The kisses went one and on. I lost any sense of time.

Finally, we took a break full of heavy breathing and panting. We clung to each other. I was going to tell him my thoughts on us. "Edward, I—"

I almost got to, but the bell rang to indicate the switching of classes.

"I need to get to class," I panted.

"Stay." He gave me the sweet smile. The make Bella melt into a puddle of adoration grin that made him almost irresistible.

Almost, but not enough. "I have trig test."

"Stay." He placed a gentle bite on my earlobe.

I moved slowly away. "I need to go."

"You go first, teacher's pet." He gave me three pecks. I imagined they meaning our past, present and future.

I doubted he was that deep.

Before I headed out the door, Edward said, "Later."

I could only hope.

XXXXXX

I couldn't stop touching my lips. They were like used. I wanted them to be used again.

Alice was watching me staring at my mouth in the mirror in the bathroom. "Cut it out, Isabella. They might fall off from so much touching."

"Stop it!" Jessica admonished her. "I think it's romantic."

Jessica was wiping her face with a paper towel. She had thrown up twice. Bad sushi was the culprit she had explained. She should have gone home, but I guess she had a test or something.

"Do I look different?" I felt older.

"You look like an Isabella who is playing a dangerous game." Alice sat on the sink counter and ate a candy off of her necklace. "You aren't a boiler room girl. I am and know from experience."

I decided to ignore her. "He touched my skin."

"I would hope so. That's how kissing works," Alice teased, but she immediately became serious again. "Edward doesn't do girlfriends. You, darling, are the type that belongs in a relationship. I will have to kill him if he makes you cry."

"He looks at her if she's the only girl in school," Jessica sighed. "Its like in _Clueless_ when Cher's brother looks at her. She's the only thing he sees. It leads to epic kisses!"

Alice's nose wrinkled up in disgust. "That's one messed up movie."

"Oh!" Jess's eyes widened when she realized what she said. "I meant step-brother."

"That's a little better." Alice put tapped my arm. "Don't listen to romantic movie girl. She doesn't live in reality."

I just sighed, because a part of me knew that Alice was making a lot of sense. Truthfully, I didn't care about sense right now. All my thoughts were of being near him and feeling his embrace.

"We should find Jacob," I suggested to change the subject.

He was talking to James nearby. I seemed to always knew where he was. It was a moth needing to be close to his light. He glanced at me and said something to James. I watched them walk away.

"Isa—" Alice started to say.

I felt Jessica wrap an arm around my shoulder.

"He just didn't see me."

XXXXXX

"We should, you know, let this be our like secret," Edward suggested as took his hand and ran it up and down my side.

"Why?"

He gave a shrug. "It's hotter this way. Secret meetings and doing stuff like spies."

"Who kiss?"

"Sure." He gave me that smile that made me gooey inside.

"I don't—" My mind was angry, but the rest of my body relaxed into him.

He stopped my talking with kisses.

"Edward, I think its kind of weird to not tell anyone." I had already told all my friends, so a little too late with his big plan.

"It's just—" He ran his lips over my forehead, back and forth. "It's nice like being us. Nobody else trying to get in our business."

This would be the perfect time to protest. I wanted to show everyone that I liked this boy and he liked me back. Being a secret made feel of like there was something wrong with me. That there was something wrong with this. The only thing bad was happening was that I was skipping independent study. Good girls do their school work not make out with beautiful boys in dark basements.

I should just walk out of here and never look back. I turned my head away and started chewing at my lower lip.

Edward shook his head. "No, let me do something else with that lip."

He pressed against my mouth and, like a stupid girl, I let him.

Kissing makes me stupid.

His hand moved to my chin. He moved away to stare at me. I wasn't allowed to squirm away from his gaze like I wanted to.

"Your eyes are brown."

And his was green, but I was uncomfortable about him pointing out my features. What if he sees all my faults?

That feeling made me ramble. "My dad says the Swan girls have like cow eyes. He would make up all these, you know, weird dad songs about them. He still stands outside the bathroom when we're trying to get ready for school and moos to get us to hurry up. It's so like my dad to moo and stuff."

Oh God, why did I say that?

"You're so weird," he pointed out. Edward's face was wrinkled up like he was trying to solve a puzzle. I guess I was a bunch of weird pieces that he couldn't get to fit.

"Oh."

"Its cool," he remarked stroked my cheek.

I closed my eyes in response and felt his lips on the lids.

Kissing was wonderful no matter the place.

XXXXXX

Jacob had his hands pushed deep down into his pockets as we walked down the hall. His pretending to be somebody else was making him miserable. I hugged him briefly. "Hang out with me this weekend. We can eat popcorn and listen to the Afghan Whigs or some Jane's Addiction. It will be fun."

"I think we should get out of town. Edward's band is playing at Aro's on Friday night. Did he tell you? We should go. It's an all ages night," Jacob suggested. He brushed his fingers through his short hair and frowned when he got down to the bottom. He still tried to touch his now phantom hair for comfort.

Aros was this little bar in the next town that had pool tables and poetry readings. The kids who had fake IDs and weren't tied to the stigma of being popular would hang out there, instead of at the diners and the cliffs at the Reservation beaches that the jocks would frequent. I had never been there. Lauren had deemed it to be a creepy and dirty. Like sheep we followed her lead, but I was always curious about it. It sounded like a place you could just be yourself.

"He didn't say anything to me." Of course, he didn't. Secret couples don't invite each other to public places. I was now condemned to have every romantic moment of my existence in the dark with the creaking and moaning of the school's heating system. "They're the Flying Sea Monkeys, right?"

Jacob smirked. "Changed it to Fantastic Chicken Embryos."

"That's horrible."

"It is." Jacob took my arm and made me pause. "He needs to know that you won't let him step all over you. Edward barely looks at you out here and never speaks to you at lunch. You are _way_ too good for that, Bella. He needs to see you out and having fun."

This could possibility of going terribly wrong, but the idea of seeing him outside of school made all the butterflies in my stomach dance around. Their fluttery wings making me a mixture of nervous and excited. "I don't know. He might like the surprise."

Jacob nudged me in the shoulder and gave me a frown. "We all know he likes secrets not surprises, and that needs to stop."

To say that my friends were less than impressed by Edward wanting to keep our relationship a secret was an understatement. It would be more appropriate to say that Alice wanted to punch him in the gut.

I started walking again. "Let's go to Aro's. I'll see how Edward acts. It might, I don't know, make a difference."

"You should cut his ass off, Bells." Jacob linked his arm with mine. "If he doesn't get any, Ed will see how important you are to him."

"He'll just move on." Edward was always with the beautiful trio. They were always so cool and chill. There was no good reason in the world why he wanted to be with me.

Jacob patted my hand. "Then let him, because he isn't worth it."

I wanted to agree. I knew I should. It was just that like every part of me tingled when Edward was around me. I felt alive and not just walking around like a ghost of a real person. I didn't want to let go of that feeling.

"Oh my fucking God!" Alice screamed as she ran through the halls toward us.

"Miss Brandon, please control yourself!" Elderly Mrs. McCurdy hissed as she poked her head out of the Home Economics room. Her wrinkly face was in an angry grimace as she straightened her black wig.

"Sorry!" Alice yelled to the teacher even louder than her previous screaming. She skidded to a halt in front of us. "They beat their asses up."

She was so excited that her whole body was trembling.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Tyler and his stupid friends were messed up by Edward and the boys. I heard James and Alec took turns giving Yorkie black eyes. Edward was totally wailing on Brady until that little squealer said that like Tyler pushed you. Edward might have busted that jackass's nose!" Alice started happy clapping.

Jacob put his hands on her shoulders to calm her. She was manic. "Did you see this?"

"Unfortunately, no. I was like . . . Umm . . . Busy." Her eyes were completely unfocused. "That Newton kid told Jessica who told me."

Edward had walked up to his locker and stared at us. His face was grim and he motioned his head at the direction of our secret place.

"Are they in trouble?" I wondered aloud, as I watched Edward walk away.

"Nope." Alice giggled and tried to get away from Jacob. He was sniffing her breath. "Those douche bags won't admit that a bunch of stoners beat them up."

Taking Alice's hand, Jacob stated, "I'm going to take her home before she gets in big trouble. You have gym?"

"Study hall. Is she okay?" I watched as Alice twirl.

"I got her. Don't worry. Say hello to lover boy for me." Jacob kissed both of my cheeks and then shook his head. "My girls need some interventions."

"Call me tonight to let me know that she's okay," I demanded.

"Yes, my darling!" Jacob waved and Alice started eating a lollipop.

Jacob and Alice went one way and I headed to the boiler room. My mind was whirling. Edward defended me. That had to mean something, right?

I found him sitting down on a box of cleaning supplies. His hands crossed over his chest. I paused for a moment, because he looked so angry. It was only a moment, because I moved to him without thinking. My body needed to be close to him.

"Edward—"

He didn't uncross his arms. I stood against his legs. "Do you have like any smarts? The real kind not like your books."

"What?"

He moved those hands to his hair, pulling the locks. That was my job. I replaced his hands with mine.

"You could have gotten hurt," Edward stated. "Tyler wouldn't care."

I placed my head in the crook of his neck. "Jacob needed my help. I couldn't leave him with those guys."

My body was lifted up and placed on his lap. I felt intoxicated by the smell of him, as I wrapped my legs around his waist.

"So brave." Edward clutched the back of my shirt. "I want you."

"Oh."

The kisses he gave me were different this time. They were harder and made every part of me feel like fireworks were erupting.

There was a desperation in it that was everything.

"Bella, pretty Bella," He panted into my skin. I felt his finger brush my breast. I let out a gasp.

It felt nice. I was terrified.

He nibbled my ear and touched my chest some more. He was tracing circles of various sizes.

My body was on fire.

My face was flushed.

"You're okay, girl. So good—" He kissed my neck. Moving his hands from my waist, Edward started unbuttoning my shirt.

I arched my chest away. "I don't know about this."

"Only a few. I want you to feel good. This is it. I promise." He kissed down my chest and his tongue licked in the crease.

I sighed as he kissed the skin right under the fabric of my bra. Edward's other hand was squeezing my other breast. He was humming a song into my skin.

There is something so amazing about the way my body was reacting. I wanted more, more, more. My brain was having a panic attack in response. Was it too soon? Was I ready? This felt like I was ready, but I was in this dirty little room on a cardboard box. We needed to stop.

"Lace," he whispered, as he nuzzled his nose on my bra. "Let me take it off. I bet they're beautiful."

His fingers dipped into my bra and he explored with long fingers. I wanted to cry from the feelings. Did I want to stop? More. More. More.

Edward made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. I never knew how much I craved this.

He looked up and his eyes were glazed over. It was the hottest thing that I ever saw in my life. My body was pulled tightly against him and I could feel our separation due to clothing was minimal. It would be so easy to be just skin. Touching, kissing, and joining together in a sweaty mass.

God, I wanted that. I wasn't at all ready.

There were footsteps on the stairs. Edward helped me up and button my shirt. The buttons were in the wrong holes.

"I think that's . . . Umm . . . The paper towels that Mrs. Molina needs," Edward said. He looked at the janitor who walked in. "What up, John?"

John took one look at us and rolled his eyes. He muttered, "Fucking hormones."

I followed Edward upstairs in complete embarrassment. My face felt hot. I bet it was fire engine red.

Edward dropped the paper towels on the ground and turned me to him. He quickly looked around us and took my face in his hands. The kiss I was given was the sweetest thing.

"Later," he said before he left. My heart thundered as I watched him leave me behind.

Later was going to be my new favorite word.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Teenage boys are the worst. They fall in these categories: The one who wants you, but you don't want him. The one you should be with. The one who might be right, but just not now. **

**Be kind. I still adore you all and thank you for reading. **

Chapter 8

I think I might be having a heart attack.

Is that possible? I'm only sixteen, but my chest hurts. The whole area is so tight and I keep clutching at the neckline of my dress. I wonder if Pete will take me home so I can change. It isn't right. Nothing is right. I shouldn't be here.

Edward was onstage with some of his friends. I recognized James and Alec. I guess the drummer was the mysterious Garrett who was like an adult.

Edward's voice was rough and I thought he sounded like perfection.

"Have some water and calm down." Jacob handed me a bottle of water and started rubbing my back. "You need to take deep, cleansing breaths."

"I need to go home." We were standing in the middle of the dance floor of the bar. Aro's was filled to the brim with flannel shirts and boys with long hair. I felt like I had been transported to Seattle. This would be awesome if I didn't feel like I was going to throw up.

Jasper was looking around in disgust. "I can't believe you dragged me here! I stepped in gum! These are my new sneakers!"

"I didn't invite you anywhere," I pointed out and glared at Alice. It was her fault he was joining us. I wish he would just shut up so I could listen to the band.

She threw an arm around Jasper's shoulder. "You need to relax! Gum won't hurt your sneakers."

"My dad is going to kill me," he whined in response.

Aro's wasn't the type of place for Jasper. The floor was sticky due to some questionable substances. The lighting was dim and made him complain about it straining his eyes. The cigarette smoke Jasper claimed was causing his asthma flare up. This was a dingy, dive bar. What did he expect?

"Why did Alice invite him again?" I asked Jacob.

He grabbed my water and took a sip, then explained, "She thinks he has potential. There is a hottie hidden by his dorky clothes."

"I don't see it."

Jacob cocked his head to the side to appraise Jasper. "I think she might be on to something."

"You are both crazy." Though in truth, they might be a little correct. He could be cute with a personality transplant.

Edward looked at me. I think, because his eyes widened. He turned his gaze away from me. Instead it was directed where Tanya and her friends were standing. This was a horrible idea to come here.

Jessica came pushing through the crowd carrying two plastic cups. "That big guy over there says that he's going to have a party after the band plays! He wanted us to have these."

She handed me the cup that smelled like rubbing alcohol. I looked over to see Emmett waving and winking at me. I pulled the cup out of Jess's hand and stuck it on an empty table. "Don't drink that. It has alcohol in it. We will not be going to his party."

"Oh." Jess's face turned sad. She then looked at the stage. "Edward is actually pretty cute. Good job, Bella."

"He's nasty and his band is terrible." Jasper made a horrible face.

Jessica nodded. "They're a bunch of screamers. They sound like the stuff that Bella listens to. Who is again? Sound Jam?"

"Sound Garden and Pearl Jam," Jacob helpfully corrected her.

I now wished that _all_ of them would be quiet.

"Thanks for listening. This is Fantastic Chicken Embryos. Good night!" James said into the microphone.

It was already over? They only sang three songs! They needed to perform a couple hours more. Then it would be close to curfew and I could completely have to miss out talking to him. Can't do something stupid like getting grounded.

"You're up, Isabella." Alice turned me toward the pool table that Edward and James leaned against with some beers that a big breasted waitress brought them.

"What if it's weird?" I swallowed thickly when he took a sip of his beer. The way he wrapped his lips around the bottle made me feel weak.

"Then you'll know he isn't worth it," Jacob answered instead.

I gave them all a little smile and headed over. Edward looked at me, put his beer down and started rolling the black ball on the table with his fingers.

James looked at me and said, "Hey girl!"

"Hi," I greeted James.

Edward turned his back to me and was starting to put the balls in that triangle thing.

"Hey!" I squeaked at him. My voice went up really high. Dogs probably could hear me from miles away.

He grunted something, but wouldn't look at me.

"You like the show?" James asked nicely. He was a pretty good guy.

"You guys were great!" I sounded like an eager groupie.

James gave me a smile. Edward just gripped the edge of the table.

"Hey, man, you want to go first?" James asked Edward.

There was silence. Edward gave a long sigh. He glanced up and the dusty light sconces. Finally, he decided to grace me with a look. He was completely annoyed that I was there.

I tried to blink back the tears that were threatening to spill over. Edward already thought I was a complete loser. It would just make me feel worse to give him one other thing to add to the list of all my faults.

Edward grimaced and hit the pool table. "I need to talk to Tanya."

He walked away to find Tanya.

"I'm, you know, sorry about Ed. He's being a tool."

"It's okay," I said weakly.

Edward kissed Tanya on the cheek. His hand was on her waist.

Nothing was okay.

My heart shattered into jagged pieces.

"Isabella?" Alice wrapped her arms around me. "What the fuck just happened, Jamie?"

Hot tears dropped from my eyes. God, I'm so dumb.

"You know how Ed is, Ali. He can't handle shit." James rubbed the back of his neck and said to me, "Girl, I'm sorry."

Alice let me go and grabbed a pool stick. "He's a dead man."

"Don't," I whispered. I pulled the stick from her hand. "Jake was right. He isn't worth it."

The water streaming down my face was hot. It was burning lines to show everyone here how stupid I am.

"Jake!" Alice yelled over to him. He came over, followed by Jessica and Jasper. "Take Bella to Petey's car. I'm going to grab him and we're out of here."

I saw Edward glance over. Immediately I buried my head into Jessica who had her arms open to embrace me. It was embarrassing to have him see me fall apart.

Why did this hurt so much? How could a broken heart lead to my whole body hurting? Edward is the cruelest person I ever met.

"Let's get you home," Jacob said gently.

He came to support me on the other side of Jessica. They were shielding me to protect me from Edward's eyes. My true friends knew that he didn't want to be with me. I was just something he used and discarded. The dirty tissue that he blew his nose in and littered on the ground. A gross description, but he left me feeling pretty disgusting. It was an accurate description.

"I told you that he was a jerk, Bella. Thinking you could be in a relationship with him was stupid," Jasper said.

I wanted to punch him.

"Shut up. Just shut up." I bet I looked like a mess. I was a mess.

Jasper threw his hands in the air. "I wasn't trying to be mean! You are just too smart to fall for anything he says."

"Please shut up!" My voice rose and eclipsed all the other noises in the room.

It wasn't planned but I looked over to Edward one final time. My imagination was telling me that he seemed sad. I knew better. He never cared at all.

XXXXXX

My plan was to sneak in so my parents wouldn't see my puffy face and bloodshot eyes. Like all my plans tonight, it was doomed to fail.

"Did you have fun, kiddo?" my dad asked. He was sitting in a chair with his feet propped up so he could watch _Seinfeld_. He must have taped it on the VCR. He could watch those things repeatedly. It was bordering on obsession.

"Yeah," I sniffed. Edward once again made me a liar.

"Bella, you okay?" My mom put down the paper she was reading and removed her glasses.

Mom had stopped working late and brought home her unfinished work instead. It sucked that she still had to work with Phil, but we really did need her paycheck. I think this was her way to try and show us that she meant that we were more important. I don't know how much it was working though. The house was too silent and laughter too rare these days.

"I said I was." I sniffed. It was a dead giveaway. "I'm going to go to bed."

I had barely made it upstairs and collapsed onto my bed, when there was a knock on the door. Mom appeared with a carton of ice cream and two spoons. "You look like you need some chocolate swirl."

That was all she needed to say. The waterworks started again. Even though I had been furious with her, I just really needed my mom right now and she knew it.

"Why doesn't he like me?"

"Oh Bella!" My mom put the ice cream on my nightstand and sat down on the bed. It felt like I was being snuggled into a warm, comforting blanket when she pulled me into her arms. That was what love feels like. "I know it feels like that right now, but—"

"I'm so ugly. That's why." I put my head on her chest and tried counting the beats of Mom's heart to calm myself down.

Mom started running her fingers through my hair. "You're beautiful. Don't ever forget that."

"You only say that because you're my mom."

"Baby, Jasper thinks you're so lovely. You can tell by the way he looks at you," she cooed.

Jasper? That is so untrue. He's always acting like I can never do anything right. Also, Jasper is gross.

"No, Mom! Edward Cullen!" I cried. "Jasper is awful!"

Mom wrinkled her nose in thought. "Cullen? Dr. Cullen's son? How do you know Carlisle's son?"

"School." I don't know what possessed me to say it, but I added, "He's such a good kisser!"

My crying that had slowed down picked up again at the thought of his lips on mine.

"Kiss? I . . . Ahh . . . Honey, when have you been kissing Dr. Cullen's son?"

"School," I repeated. "He doesn't like me, Mommy."

I was the most pathetic creature ever.

"Oh baby—" She pulled me close. "I know this feels like the end of the world, but this is how we learn."

"Learn to be stupid?" I whimpered.

"Learn to be strong and not let people hurt you. That boy doesn't respect you? Then you don't let him in. You show him your power. Because, sweetheart, you are powerful. Deep inside there's a light that no boy that can put out. You embrace it and not let him win. You are too wonderful to be not treated like gold." She kissed the top of my head. I heard her mumble, "A jerk just like his dad."

I hugged her tight around the waist. "I think I'll have some of that ice cream now."

She grabbed the container and handed it to me. "We need to make an appointment with Dr. Polar."

"The gynecologist?" I looked at her in shock.

Mom stroked my cheek. "You're growing up. We need to get you on the pill."

"I'm not having, you know, that thing." My face felt hot. This was so embarrassing.

"Sex? I'll have to speak to you father, because you're always going to be his little girl, but I think this is necessary. Not that you're planning on doing anything, and I pray that you really consider all the options first, but kissing usually leads to more. I'm keeping my young lady safe."

I just ate my ice cream in glum silence. Mom's fingers still stroking my hair. Ice cream made things tastier, but never better. I would just have to learn to move on.

XXXXXX

There was another note. His chicken scratch looked even messier than usual, like he was urgent to get a message to me. It was probably wishful thinking on my part, he was probably being distracted by the cobwebs in his stupid brain.

I ripped it up into little pieces before dropping it into the trash can. He could rot in that boiler room forever for all that I cared.

"You going?" Alice asked. She stood next to me and read the bulletin board of school announcements. "We should join the chess club."

"Jasper is in the chess club," I pointed out with a grimace.

Alice snorted. "Oh I know. I want his king to take my queen."

Gross.

"That's revolting." I found myself glancing at the stairs down to the boiler room.

"The options are to ignore, to yell, or to kiss again." Alice squeezed my hand. "I'll support you no matter what you decide. I will also make his life miserable."

I had to think. The way he made me feel ruined my whole weekend. I felt so small.

I took her hand. "I want him to know."

"Know what, my darling?" She gave my hand a squeeze.

"How much he made me hurt."

Alice let me go and pointed to the stairs. "Let him have it, tiger."

Her blessing made me stand taller and try to stamp down all my insecurities.

Down the stairs, I found Edward waiting outside the door, with his hands pushed deep down into the pockets of his jeans. He was wearing a purple bowling shirt that had always made me feel particularly giddy. Today it just made me sad.

He motioned to the door with his head and I followed him inside. As soon as the door closed, Edward had my face in his hands and began kissing me.

There was no more joy of his mouth being on mine. I thought these stolen moments between us were a beginning, but instead this was the end of my dreams of him.

I pushed Edward away with all my might. "No!"

"What's wrong with you?" He asked. His words didn't match the way his eyes stared at me. He knew good and well what my problem was. "I missed that."

"Making out with the dork?" I crossed my hands in front of my chest. "You didn't miss me at all on Friday night? I was right there. You just didn't feel like I was important enough to talk to."

"That was because you know." He shuffled his feet uncomfortably.

I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. "I know. You didn't want your cool friends to see you with such a freak. God, what would they think of Mr. Cool if the found out you were kissing some poseur."

"It's not like that, Bella!"

"It isn't, Edward? Why don't you tell me how it is?" I went up to him and stared into his face. The answer was always there. They were always together. He never talked to me in front of her. It was all coming together. "Are you trying to hide this from your girlfriend, you cheat? I have enough cheaters in my life."

My mother cheating on my dad at home. Edward cheating on his girlfriend with probably everybody in school.

He put his hands on my shoulders and I shrugged them away. "What girlfriend?"

"Tanya!"

"She isn't my girlfriend," he admitted to lied. Who knew with this guy. "Our dads just think we are. It pisses them off."

"You have got to be kidding me? You have a fake girlfriend and a hidden slut in the basement of school. You're living the dream, Cullen"

He pulled me back to him. "You're not a slut. How could you say that?"

"Because you would probably have sex with me in this nasty, dirty room. That's an incredibly romantic gesture, Edward," I snarked. "I'm nothing to you. A big, fat, ugly zero! But you know what? I'm too good for you!"

There was silence for a moment and Edward placed his forehead on mine. "I like you. You're like a nice girl. That's not usually what I do."

I moved away. "That's why this won't work. I'm a nice girl who isn't going to be your joke anymore."

"Don't go." He seemed so sad. Edward was a big faker.

"Can you honestly tell me that you want to be seen with me? That this is a legitimate thing?" This was his chance to show me something real.

He swallowed and closed his eyes. "I can't. Not yet."

My answer was in those words.

"I won't be doing this with you again. Go to hell, Edward Cullen."

I turned and didn't look back. My tears might not be seen, but inside I was weeping. On the outside I would be brave. I would be strong.

XXXXXX

It is a waste of a sunny day to feel so sad. My apple didn't taste so sweet. The breeze, that made the limbs of the tree I sat under sway, made me too chilly. This was a rotten, no good day. I was supposed to go to the diner with Jessica this afternoon, but I think I might bail.

"Why so glum, chum?" Mike sat next to me. He pulled the earphones he wore away from his ears. That walkman of his was always glued to him.

I sighed. "Just one of those days."

Edward was leaning against his car surrounded by his friends. He didn't seem too chipper. I guess losing his idiotic kissing partner put a damper on his day. I watched as he took a long sip out of a Snapple bottle. I hated that I wished he would become a better person and would want me. Strong women didn't beg for someone to change, They were confident in themselves without having a boyfriend.

Mike took off the headphones and stuck them on my ears. "You need to listen to this. I listen to it when everything seems off."

"Toad the Wet Sprocket?" They were singing about walking on the ocean. I couldn't help smiling a tiny bit.

"I threw in some Blues Traveler and Counting Crows on this ultimate of mix tapes." Mike put his feet out to stretch.

"You're the mix master," I teased.

He gave me a wink. "If you fast forward you'll find your theme song."

"Oh?"

"It's the song, Good. Better than Ezra. It's because you're so good, girl." He wiggled his eyebrows comically.

I roared with laughter. "You're a goof, Newton!"

There was the sound of shattering glass. I turned to see Edward staring at us. His face was furious. The Snapple bottle had shattered into bits of dangerous shards. It was like how he left me feeling. Jagged and broken.

Jasper rode by on his bike and noticed us. He almost crashed into a tree.

"I better get going. I need to find Jess."

Mike held my arm for a brief moment. "Hold on a second."

I watched at he pulled out the cassette tape from the walkman and a pen from his backpack. Mike wrote something on the little label, then he placed it in my hands.

"Mike's Kick Ass Mix to Make Bella Smile?" I read aloud.

"For you." He nudged me in a shoulder. "Seriously though, smiles look good on you."

For the first time I wanted to smile thanks to a good friend. Even with a broken heart, it felt good.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: These kids will get it together sometime. They'll probably be in their eighties.**

**Thanks for reading. Also, thank you to The Lemonade Stand girls for being so sweet to me. I truly appreciate it.**

Chapter 9

"So . . . Hey." He stood in front of my locker.

I thought I might be in the twilight zone. My dad likes talking about how much he loved watching that show when he was kid. It was like in black and white with all these weird stuff happening to people. Dad is a television addict, because he will watch anything. I guess even creepy, old people shows.

"Umm . . . Hi?" I shifted my feet and just stared at Edward. He stared back and rubbed the back of his neck. It was some uncomfortable stand-off that there was no reason for having. I think we already said what needed to be said. At least I did. Edward just made zero sense and was ridiculous. Maybe being too good looking made you have a decrease in intelligence?

He was still unbelievably handsome. I tried to convince myself last night as I doodled in my diary that he wasn't. The sketch I made of him with warts and horns was supposed to make him the devil in my mind. It didn't work, because he was still completely kissable.

Mr. Ridiculous sighed and just continued to stare at me. I wondered if there was something on my nose. Maybe I needed a tissue?

I lifted my backpack onto my shoulder. It was so heavy that it was slipping down. There was no time for a staring contest, no matter how gorgeous his stupid eyes were. "Can I help you?"

"I . . . Well . . . What are you up to?"

"Switching my books and grabbing my lunch. Its time to eat," I pointed out.

Edward stuck his hands into the pockets of his jeans and leaned back against my locker. "That's good. Eating is good."

"Yup. Eating is a plus." I pointed at him. "You're in my way."

"What?" He pulled my pencil out of his jacket pocket and was rubbing it between his two hands. It would be something I would do if I was nervous, but this was Edward. He doesn't do nervous.

My stomach was growling. I wondered if he could hear it. Who cares? Not this girl.

"You're standing in front of my locker. I need you to move."

"Sorry!" Edward shifted so I could get to the lock. He hovered next to me as I put in my combination. "So I—"

I should have just bought lunch today. "Are you returning my pencil?"

"No . . . I mean . . . Well . . . You need it back?" He held it up.

"I have plenty of pencils. I'm good." I pulled out my lunch bag and stuck it in my backpack.

Edward whispered, "Did you bring peanut butter and jelly?"

"If I did, are you planning on stealing my lunch? In that case, I brought ham and cheese."

"You're funny." He said this like it was a shocking revelation.

I slammed my locker closed. "Sure. I'm going to the cafeteria."

He followed me. "I'll just walk with you."

If this was last week, Edward's new found interest in being seen with me would make me the happiest girl on the planet. This week it made me suspicious. Whenever I get my hopes up, things go terribly wrong. It's a fact. I still had a few of those butterflies left in my belly, but it wasn't because I was worried about him. I still liked the jerk. They obviously didn't get the memo that Edward was a heartbreaker.

We didn't say anything on the walk. Occasionally, his shoulder would bump into mine and those butterflies deep inside me would go crazy. I needed to get some pesticide.

Once inside, I headed to the table. James was in his usual spot at the far end. He was talking to Tanya and the dynamic blonde duo, dramatically waving his arms into the air. That Victoria girl came over and kissed James on the cheek causing him to turn red. I expected Edward to join them, perhaps to make fun of James, instead he placed the glittery pencil in front of the seat next to me.

"Save my spot. You need anything up there?" He motioned to the line to get food.

"I'm good." I needed him to sit somewhere else so I could get over him. I banged my head onto the table top.

This morning, I woke up thinking that things were looking up. The birds were singing outside my window. The leaves on the trees were changing into various shades of orange, yellow, and red. It was like a dawn of something good.

That was completely not true. Nature was being a tricky liar. It ended up being bizarro world. Edward might be some sort of alien replacement.

"What was _that_?" Alice asked as she sat on one side of me.

Jacob tried to sit at the place Edward saved with a pencil. I smirked. "Go right ahead, Jake. That's where Edward wants to sit. I think you should instead."

"Oh no! I think it would be more fun to watch Edward try to make-up with you," Jacob stated. He went to the other side to sit across from me. "I don't think he's ever had to beg to get a girl before."

"He's not going to get one now even with the begging." I held my head up. My previously weak spine felt stronger like it was filled with steel.

Alice patted my back. "That's my girl!"

Playing with his milk container, Jake looked thoughtful. "What if he really means it? You know, like he realized he messed up and wants you to be his girlfriend? Could you forgive him then? We're all dumb kids."

Could I ever allow myself to trust this guy? Edward wasn't the type to screw up once, I think. It would be constantly worrying when it would happen again. Of course, I wasn't perfect. My track record with good decisions wasn't great at all.

"I don't know. Really have no clue. Right now, I know that I'm still mad. Like a lot." I pulled out my carrot sticks and started drumming them on my soda can. "This might be a nonissue. Edward might be playing a new game of drive Bella crazy or this could be some way he can say he's sorry. He doesn't like me in a, you know, girlfriend way."

"You the next drummer for Smashing Pumpkins?" Edward asked, as down went his tray. It was filled with all sorts of food that the lunch lady piled on. He took the pencil and stuck it behind his ear.

God, I hoped he didn't hear me. How embarrassing!

I started ripping the crust off my sandwich. "Nope. I don't want the rest of the band to get intimidated by my fantastic drumming."

I heard Alice whisper to Jacob, "Who is this girl and what happened to our sweet Isabella?"

"I don't know, but I approve. She's truly kick ass today," he answered. I glanced at him and he winked.

I wasn't kick ass. Instead, I was terrified of all the anger I was feeling. How scary it was that I was still attracted to someone who hurt me. This was a mask of bravery. I didn't know who I was anymore.

"Here." Edward placed a Twinkie in front of me.

"What is this?"

Edward gave me a little smile. "I bought you dessert."

It was a spongy peace offering and it was delicious.

XXXXXX

Jessica was crying in the empty band room.

Her flute was clutched in her hands. The silver metal was becoming wet by the big tears that fell from her eyes.

"Jess? My dad's coming to pick us up in a couple of minutes," I reminded her quietly. Grabbing some tissues from the band director's desk, I sat next to her and began wiping her eyes. She remained still except for the dripping wetness coming out of her. "Is Tyler bothering you again?"

Tyler was unmerciful in his nasty comments to Jessica. He wasn't one that was used to a girl breaking up with him. I would say this was his awful way of dealing with a broken heart, except that Tyler didn't have one. It was more likely that it was just another reason for Tyler to be a monster. I hated being violent, but I kind of wanted Edward to beat him up again.

My words just made her cry harder.

"He isn't worth it, Jessica."

The flute fell onto the floor. The sound of the instrument hitting the floor made an awful sound. She wrapped her arms around me. My shirt became damp as it became her tissue.

"I'm late," she quietly stated. Her body began to tremble.

"No, it will be fine! We have plenty of time to finish our project. I can help you work on your half tonight." We had a huge biology project due. It was missing some pretty big parts, but we still had could get it done by Friday. I just needed to cut open a plastic frog and help Jessica make the organs out of play-dough. It would be easy.

Dissection was the nastiest thing.

"Bella, my period is late."

Period. Late. It was all coming together. Jessica was having a baby.

"Oh God." I held her tighter.

"What will I do?" She wailed.

My mind was a flurry of no good answers. "Did you take a test?"

"I'm too scared," she admitted.

"Then I'll help you."

I had no clue how to help her, but I had to say something. I mean, come on, pregnancy? None of us were ready to deal with babies. We were only children playing at being adults. How do you put a diaper on one of those squirming things? What if she wanted me to change her kid's nasty diaper?

"What is Tyler going to say? He's going to be so mad!" Jess wiped her eyes on my sleeve.

There was no reason to lie to her. "Something awful. I wouldn't be surprised if he has three sixes behind his ear. He's like the devil." 

"Bella!" She protested, but I saw a little grin forming.

It just spurred me to say more horrible, stupid things to try and get her to laugh. "Remember when we talked about Hitler in History? Tyler is like his great, great, great, great grandson."

She snorted. "This really isn't funny and those are some lame jokes."

"I know. Tyler has no reason to be mad. He made this happen to. You weren't the only one having sex. Listen, we can't guess anything until we find out if you're _actually _having a baby." I pulled her up and picked up her flute. "We'll have my dad stop at the drug store on the way home to buy a pregnancy test."

"He can't find out about this, Bella!"

"He won't. We'll tell him that we need to grab some more poster boards and glue sticks for our project. We'll just add a pregnancy test to the pile and sneak it in the house," I suggested. "Dad is clueless most days. He'll never figure anything out. It will be easy!"

Hopefully. It would be just our luck, Dad would actually start paying attention when I didn't want him to.

Jessica slowly took apart her instrument and gently put it back into the case.

"What will I do if its positive?" Her eyes were filled with fear.

"We will figure it out then," I stated, trying to sound confident. "I'm sure you'll be okay."

XXXXXX

It might have only been three minutes, but it felt like ten hours.

What if it was me that had to pee on the little stick? I could have easily let my virginity be taken away in that dingy boiler room. My brain was clouded with all that made Edward perfect to me. Then what I would I be stuck with? Three horrible options. Sixteen was no age to be raising a baby when my own parents still thought of me as one. Being pregnant for nine months and then having to give the baby to somebody else would feel rotten. At least I think it would. And getting rid of it? The guilt would be awful.

Edward wasn't the marrying type at this age. He might never be. He'd have to get a job at McDonald's and resent me forever. That would suck. I should stay a virgin forever.

I didn't envy Jess's position one bit.

I sat on the edge of the bathroom tub, while Jessica stared at the test on the edge of the sink. She leaned in close. "It looks like only one line, right? When the test is negative?"

Standing, I tried to help her determine what it was doing. "It looks like one, but I have no clue."

There was a knock on the door. We both jumped at the sound and the stick fell to the ground.

"Girls, its dinner time. I need you both to come downstairs," my mom called through the door.

"Sure." It came out as a squeak.

"Bella, I need you to open the bathroom door." It was her suspicious voice. It always meant that she knew I was up to something.

"Oh . . . Okay." I motioned to Jessica and she started tossing the pregnancy test and box into the trash can. Very slowly I unlocked the door. "Hey Mom, dinner smells great down there! Did dad make chili again?"

Instead of letting us out, Mom came in and shut the door behind her. With arms crossed, she asked, "What are you two up to?"

"I . . . Well—" Had no clue what to say.

"Your dad was saying that there was a lot of whispering going on in the car." Mom picked up a pamphlet on the floor. We had forgotten to throw away the directions when we tried to hurry up and get rid of the evidence. Her face was so sad. "Bella."

"I'm a virgin!" I cried out. Both of my hands went up into the air like I was being robbed.

"Its mine!" Jessica exclaimed at the same time. She started crying again.

Mom took her into her arms. "Oh, honey!"

"I . . . I . . . Don't know what it says." Jessica face was blotchy with more tears.

"Bella, I need you to get the test." My mother must be crazy.

"There's pee on it."

She did the annoyed Mom sigh. "Use a wad of tissues."

I reluctantly performed her request with half a box of tissues. Mom had to try to get through the hundred tissues that I used so she could read it. A smile came on her face. "You aren't pregnant, sweetie."

Jessica beamed until my mom added, "You still need to see Dr. Polar."

"My mom is going to kill me!" My friend's moods were all over the place and now fear was written all over her face.

Mom patted her knee. "She'll only yell a bit. You'll live to make it to another school dance."

"Unless she grounds Jess forever," I helpfully pointed out.

Jessica groaned in response.

"I'll come with you to talk to her, sweetie. Your mom and I have been best friends since we were the same age as you two. It will be just fine." Jessica cuddled into my mom's side and it made me think.

With all my mom's faults, she could be the best friend I could ever have. She even helped my friends. I wanted so much to be angry at her for what she did to my dad. He was forgiving her, I think. I really want to do the same.

Jessica headed out before us and I hugged my mom. "I love you, Mommy."

"What is this for?"

"Thank you for being their for Jess," I explained.

She smiled, "Of course. Though I'm so glad it isn't you. I promise you that I would be not a happy mom. And, Bella?"

"Yes?"

"I love you, too."

XXXXXX

There was a mix-tape and a Twinkie sitting at my seat in the cafeteria. They made me feel like I was losing my bravery when dealing with Edward. His pursuit of me was disconcerting, but still pretty cool.

I was twisting the cassette box in my hands. Alice pulled it away from me. "Isabella, darling, you are being wooed."

"I wonder if someone told him about the tape Mike made me." I looked over at my friend as he was chatting with some of the guys from the tennis team. In terms of the school's athletes, those were the goody-goodies.

"I doubt it. A badly made mix-tape is the nineties equivalent of a boy giving a girl flowers," Alice pointed out as she read the songs that Edward chose. "Damn, he's obsessed with Nirvana."

I held up the Twinkie. "And this?"

"That's just because Cullen's weird, lady."

"He spelled my name wrong." The tape was titled, _The Bela Music Mix_.

Alice shrugged and passed the tape to Jacob. "I'm still not certain that kid can spell his own name. I wouldn't sweat it."

"It's cute," Maria said quietly. She poked at her plate of spaghetti.

Jacob smiled at her like he would a pet. She was his Maria puppy. It wasn't fair to her at all. "I agree with Maria, but it is Edward we're talking about here. He has a lot of making up to do, Bella."

"Yup." I slowly pulled open the Twinkie's plastic wrapper. "Did anyone hear about Tyler, Eric, and Brady's punishment?"

I had no problem with changing the subject away from Edward. If they wanted answers about my feelings on these new developments, I sure didn't have any.

"Three day suspension and they have to write apology letters," Jacob answered. He started ripping up his napkin.

"That's ridiculous! What's wrong with this place!" I slammed my water bottle on the table.

There was a tap on my shoulder. I turned to find Tanya with her arms crossed. "I need to talk to you."

"Is this a rumble? Should I bring back-up?" I asked. I tried to give her a tough looking stare. She was unimpressed. "_West Side Story_ style? I can bring my dancing fight shoes."

"When did the mouse become a smart ass?" Her beautifully plucked eyebrow rose.

I shrugged. "Maybe when my life started sucking."

Tanya pulled me up by my arm. "Come with me, evil Minnie Mouse."

My friends just watched as she led me out into the hallway. I guess tater tots are more important than saving me from Edward's beautiful fake girlfriend.

"He likes you." She sat on a table that the Glee Club had used to try and get new members. I think they might have instead lost two of ones they already had.

"If you're talking about Edward, then he has an odd way of showing it."

Tanya started kicking her feet out. "Yeah, that would be my fault. I was the one who came up with the idea to piss off our dads."

"You seem too smart to do something like that. Edward not so much. He doesn't talk much, so I'm not quite sure about his intellect." I sat next to her on the table. One of these girls was not like the other.

"He sure is pretty though," Tanya stated, as she bumped gently into my shoulder.

I sighed. "You want him to be your boyfriend."

"Hell no." Her laugh was as beautiful as she was. I would call it whimsical. "He's like a goofy, little brother. I more interested in Kate."

"Oh." That I would have never guessed.

"Oh seems to about cover it." Tanya started braiding her hair. I saw her gaze out the window sadly. "I'm playing it straight and making my dad mad enough to get off my case about not going into pre-med next year. I can't have him find out about Katie. He'll disown me and there's a great journalism program at Harvard that I need dear, old Dr. Eli to pay for. He's a bit traditional."

Everybody was hiding who they really are around here. It was depressing.

I saw Edward walking toward us. I motioned to him with my head. "What's his deal?"

"He's just being a good friend, though he is getting some benefits. Dr. Carl and my dad both want to be top Doc at the hospital. Carl gets angry that Edward is slumming it with the enemy and doesn't push him to go to college. Rock star is heading to Seattle after graduation," she explained.

"Wow." He was leaving after this year anyway. People come into your life and they disappear as the seasons change. "My parents are crazy, but I know I can talk to them. Have you tried that?"

"No." She was looking at Edward and gave a little sigh.

I watched him as he walked. He kind of saunters. "You should try. Parents can surprise you sometimes. This way of doing things hurts other people."

"Katie said the same thing."

"She sounds like a smart girl. You should listen to her, Tanya." I folded my arms across my chest when he approached us. I was using them to shield my heart.

Tanya looked at the cafeteria wistfully. She was probably thinking about Kate. "God, the Cullens would love you. You're a good girl. Esme will drunkenly bake you cookies."

Edward pushed himself up against my knees. He tapped Tanya's head. "What's up?"

"I'm explaining how we're both fucked up," Tanya said and stood up. "Bella here is countering with how stupid we are."

"You think we're dumb?" He had a smile on his face.

"Yes." I hope he didn't want a lie, because I wasn't going to make him feel good after hurting me.

"I'm breaking up our fake relationship, Edward," Tanya announced. "I need to tell my real girlfriend the news."

He only looked at me. "Cool."

"Work it out, kids," she declared and headed back in the lunchroom.

Edward placed both hands on my thighs. "You get my gifts?"

"I did. No take back on the Twinkie. I'm eating it." I watched his hands rub my legs. A part of me wanted to slap him. The other part, the stupid one, wanted kissing.

"I'll enjoy watching you eat it." He tapped my mouth with his finger.

I moved my face away, "Simmer down there, buddy!"

"You're still mad at me?" He leaned back in to stare at me. I don't know what he was looking for. "What can I do?"

His hands were back on my legs. I felt tingly.

"I have absolutely no idea."

"A date?" He seemed happier.

There was no words coming out of me. I blamed the shock.

"There's this, like movie. _Empire Records _or something that is coming out this weekend," he stated.

"The one with Liv Tyler?"

"Yeah. She's hot." He was completely oblivious. "What?"

I glared at him. "You have to be kidding me."

"You're much hotter." There was that grin that haunted my dreams and made my heart beat faster. "I'll pick you up at seven on Saturday."

"I didn't say that I was going."

He lifted my hand and kissed my palm. "Please go out with me. I want to make you happy."

The bell rang and I tried to move him away. "You better move before somebody sees us."

"I'm not moving." His hands went to my hips, as our classmates flooded out of the cafeteria. His mouth went to my forehead. "Let them see."

"But—"

"Come to the movies. Please." His body was so close. I never thought I would feel this again.

"Fine, but it's only because I want to see the movie. You aren't forgiven yet."

"I know." He linked our hands together. "Let's go get your stuff. There's some place I want to take you."

He pulled me off the table, still holding my hand tightly. I tried to shake him off, but he didn't let go.

I hissed, "No boiler room."

"I'm just walking my girl to her class." His smile was brilliant. I wanted a smile like that too.

All eyes were on us and I didn't care as we went to get my backpack.

The thing about holding hands like this was it was better than kissing.

Almost.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: Here it is. Finally. Life has been complicated and the babies come first. Always. **

**I hope you enjoy this chapter and I'll do my best to get the next one finished soon. **

Chapter 10

My lips tasted like cherry lip smacker.

I was licking it off my mouth. The theater was so dark. Edward's shoulder was touching mine.

This was the most stressful experience of my life. My whole body was feeling every sensation. He made me tingle.

I had been to the movies with boys before. Okay, technically it was with Jacob. That was pretty much just like hanging out with another girl so he didn't count.

Edward was a boy you kissed. He brought me a My Little Pony coloring book when he picked me up. I had always imagined that my first date would have a flower bouquet involved. A coloring book was something I never imagined. Edward was a weird guy.

A year ago, Mike was the guy I imagined taking me on my first date. He would be the guy to give me flowers. I find that I prefer My Little Ponies that I can color.

I hate the way he was making me get all girly.

It was pretty awesome actually. But I made a promise to myself that Edward was going to have to work for it if he wants to be around me. It starts with handholding, coloring books and the snacks he got for us at the concession stand.

He kept staring at me every time I took a sip from my soda. Like he would zero in on my lips. I'm glad it was dark and he couldn't see my blush. My cheeks were burning.

The movie's music was making me tap my feet, but I could barely focus on the words the characters were saying. I mean, the guys in it were cute and all, but they were no Edward.

Edward, of the super cuteness, yawned and placed his arm round my shoulder. It made my heart feel like it was going to burst out my chest and splatter all over the screen. That was a really nasty thought.

"Smooth move, Ex-lax," I snapped.

That made him roar with laughter.

"Shh!" A man behind us hissed.

I turned around to see a balding, old guy with the large size popcorn that I think was bigger than his head. The guy was also sweating profusely. The light from the screen made the sweat glisten. It was gross.

"You want me to move it?" Edward asked. He was smirking.

I turned from the weird man behind us. "No. I didn't say that, did I? It's chilly in here."

My head was held up high, but inside I was having an Edward induced panic attack.

Edward's mouth went to my ear and he whispered, "That dude behind us is totally getting off on the plaid skirts."

I punched him in the gut. "Stop being gross, Cullen!"

Edward started cracking up again. I had never seen him this happy. It was really cool. I could possibly like this boy more than just for awesome kissing. He was also a lot of fun.

"Fucking kids," the man grumbled and he heaved up his huge body. There was a lot of muttering and grunting as he moved away from us.

"Good," Edward stated as he watched the man leave. "I didn't like that perv being behind you."

"You were protecting me again," I stated in wonder. Was Edward deeper than I ever imagined?

He pulled me closer to him. I wished there wasn't an arm rest between us. Edward put his cheek against mine. "Always."

Damn him for making me almost forget that I was still kind of mad at him.

"You want to move to the back?" His voice was thick. His mouth was now against my cheek. Oh how my heart was pounding even more than before.

I pulled away slightly to look at his face. "Why?"

"Its dark and perfect for . . . You know . . . Umm . . . Stuff."

"Stuff? Movie watching stuff or—" I began. His hand was behind my neck and slowly pulling my face closer to his.

"Kissing stuff," he explained. Edward licked his lips and than proceeded to take his tongue and sweep it over my mouth. I shivered in response. "You taste good."

I stared at him and tried to look cross. "Always in the dark where no one can see me, right?"

"Nah," he said. He smiled and played with my ear lobe with his long fingers. "James is here with Vicki."

I saw him glance near us. James and Victoria were practically doing it in the tiny movie theater seats. James had his hand on Victoria's breast.

It made me kind of want Edward's hand on mine. It was pretty cool when he did it before. I liked it. A lot.

Control was what I needed. With a deep breath, I lied, "I really want to watch the movie."

Edward's nose rubbed against mine. "Okay. You watch the movie and I'll watch you."

I turned my head to the screen, but all I was aware of was the movements he made. The tub of popcorn went to the floor. Our joined hands went onto his lap. It was right on top of the bulge in his pants. Occasionally, he would shift our hands as the characters fought on the screen. My hand was rubbing against him as he moved. My eyes widened at the sensation.

"Are you okay?" He placed his head on my mine. "You doing good, girl?"

"My hand is on—" I might faint.

He kissed the top of my head. "I'll behave."

The question wasn't if Edward could behave, it was if I could.

XXXXXX

"You want to head somewhere else?" Edward asked, as we headed to his car after the movie finished.

We swung our clasped hands. I wondered if he liked doing this as much as I did. It felt like were a real couple. It made me dream of things that could break me in pieces later.

"It's still early." I glanced at my watch. "My dad won't be sitting on the front porch waiting for you yet."

To say that my dad wasn't impressed by my dating was an understatement. I couldn't help grinning at the memory.

"_No. No way. No how,__" __my dad stated, as I led Edward into the house. _

"_Be nice, Dad,__" __I implored. __"__This is Edward Cullen.__"_

_Edward nodded at my dad. __"__What__'__s up, Mr. S?__"_

_My dad__'__s eyes widened. I think he wanted to literally throw Edward out of our house. Like pick him up by the back of the shirt and toss him through the front door. _

"_Bella, is this boy eighteen?__" _

"_No . . . Well . . . I__'__m not quite sure.__" __I looked Edward up and down. __"__How old are you, Edward?__" _

_My father__'__s face got so red, that I thought his head was going to explode. _

"_I__'__ll be like eighteen in June.__" __He ran his fingers through his hair. I might have sighed a little. It was completely unintentional. _

"_Charlie, let the kids be. You two have a wonderful time!__" __Mom explained. She had this weird look in her eye. I think she was swooning over Edward in that Mom way. Kind of like he brought back memories when she had a boyfriend like him. You know, before she married dad and got old. _

_Edward gave her his special smile. __"__I see where Bella got cute, Mrs. S.__"_

_My mother got all giggly. _

_My father looked like he wanted to punch something. He muttered, __"__Jesus, Renee.__"_

_At least I had Mom on my side. _

Edward, in the most nonchalant way, asked, "Will he be using his gun to scare me?"

"Dad didn't have one when you picked me up, but I'm sure that he ran right out to a gun shop to get one." I gave him a huge smile, as his usual bravado fell away.

"You're shitting me, right?" he asked. We had arrived to the car. He leaned me against it. Edward was right in the middle of my personal space. I decided to enjoy it for a few minutes.

"Maybe. I think we should wait and see what he does." I tapped his cheek. "It's more exciting that way."

"God, you're cute." He moved in toward my mouth and I slipped away from him. "You're still mad?"

"Maybe." I gave him a wink. This boy probably never worked for anything in his life. Well, he'll be working now. It will be good for him. He'll grow some positive characteristics.

Edward opened my door. "You'll forgive me."

"How can you be so sure?" I asked, as he helped me in.

He kissed the back of my hand. "It's already started."

The car door shut and my brain was flip flopping all over the place. Edward Cullen was a cocky bastard. I was attracted to his cocky bastard. I was so going to cave, unless—

I moved my body to the edge of the car seat as far as I could with my seatbelt on. We needed physical distance. It would help me keep a clear head.

"Come here," he instructed. Edward took my hand and pulled it so I moved closer. "Don't be shy."

"You can't drive if I'm sitting on your lap," I pointed out.

He grinned down at our hands. "Nah, but it would be fun."

"Edward." I tried to sound offended.

"I can at least shift gears holding your hand." He let go for a minute to start up the car. "I'm like good at doing more than one thing. You wanna head to Emmett's?"

The thought of that dark house made me cringe just a little. I'm sure Emmett was cool and all, but he was just so big. He was kind of a giant that was like nice, but maybe not really. I couldn't explain it very well. I just had a feeling about Emmett. It seemed to crawl under my skin and it didn't feel good. Maybe I was just being silly, but—

"Nope. Really don't want to go there." I turned to look out the window as we pulled out of the parking lot. A new group of movie viewers were lined up to buy their tickets. It made me wonder about their lives. Do they head to horror movies so they can scream and hug their dates? That was a pretty great idea actually. Maybe they get lost in what's happening on the screen, because it makes for an escape from what's happening in their real lives? I think they might be glancing at Edward's car and maybe thinking about what we are doing in here. Why a girl like me was with a boy like him? I was just like them. I had no idea how I got in here either.

Edward sort of made this humming noise and started heading in the opposite direction from where my house was located. I realized as he drove that the guy was a speeder. He had a lead foot. My one hand was intertwined with his and the other was gripping the handle on the door like it could it could protect me from the impending crash into a tree. How in the world he was driving at this speed with one hand and not having us dive off a cliff was a miracle.

"Do you always drive like a Nascar driver?" I glanced at my knuckles. I was squeezing the handle so hard that they were becoming a snowy white.

He chuckled. "This isn't nothing. I can go faster. You think you can stop digging your nails into my hand? I want you to keep holding it, but it's starting to hurt."

I only relaxed a little. It seemed to be enough, because he didn't say anything. That little smile remained on his lips.

It appeared that we were heading to the bluff. The road was winding and surrounded by trees.

"This is bordering on creepy, Edward. Taking a poor girl into the dark woods and—"

He sniffed my palm and made an odd hissing noise. "Yum."

"I'm serious here," I stated, trying so very hard not to laugh.

"You mean like, you know, a guy with a hook on the door?" He started going up a gravel road.

"I guess."

"Yeah. I would stop him." Edward looked thoughtful. I was certain he was going to say something about protecting me, but instead, "Can't let him mess up my paint job."

I looked at his face. His tongue peeked out of his lips and he licked them quickly. I glanced down and my knees and murmured, "Glad to know. I can defend myself while you rescue your precious."

There was a squeeze of my hand and I looked up into those green eyes of his. The special smile he always gave me made me feel so happy. "I guess, Bella. You seem like a tough girl. I can save you, if you get in a jam. You know, once the car is safe."

The radio was softly playing some song. I turned it up to hear the guitar riffs filling the car. It was so very warm and I was tempted to roll down the window. The idea of the wind in my hair and it cooling down my heated face seemed like a great idea. The heater wasn't on, so I couldn't blame that. Of course, the heat coursing through me might not be due to the car, but the contact I was having with Edward

A drum beat replaced the guitars. I was trying to use the music to distract me. It wasn't working at all. I was like hyper aware of his every movement. The way he tapped the steering wheel with his fingers to the beat. Edward also had a tendency to not concentrate on the road. I think he was glancing at my boobs. I don't have much there, so he might be trying to search for them like a scavenger hunt.

Why was he still holding my hand? They felt sweaty again. I was probably stuck to him like glue. He couldn't shake my wet fingers off, because he didn't want to crash the car. This was so embarrassing.

The car was pulled close to the edge of the cliff. There were a few other cars around us. Their windows were all fogged. A part of me was curious who was in them and what they were doing in the cars. Could they be discussing their futures? Whispering words of love in each others' ears? They were probably just making out. I think romance is just a dream in your head. It's just a figment of a teenage girl's imagination.

Edward shut off the car. There was quiet. No music to break the uncomfortable stillness or the anticipation of the boundless possibilities of what could happen next.

He unbuckled his seat belt and then reached over to do the same to mine. "There you go. More comfortable."

"Thanks," I squeaked in a reply.

My hands, free from his hold, now clutched my knees. I stared out the front window at the water below us. My body was as stiff as a board.

"What do you wanna do now?" He lazily asked. So relaxed like nothing in the world ever fazed him.

"The stars are lovely. I think I see Cassiopeia," I answered. I turned my gaze to the stars. I had no clue what the hell I was looking at. The only one I could pick out was the Big Dipper. Cassiopeia sounded so much cooler.

His finger started tracing my ear. It started at the top then followed the curves. My whole body felt those simple movements.

Edward scooted closer. "You're prettier than those stupid stars."

"I wouldn't discount those stars. They like shimmer. They'll last so much longer than you and me."

The stars seemed brighter to me. I just stared at them, because one look at the brightness I saw in Edward would draw me in even more.

"You talk, you know, a lot. I kind of like it." He said this into my neck. His breath made me giggle.

"I kind of like—" My words were interrupted by his mouth pressing against mine.

That completely changed what I was going to say. Originally, I was going to tell him I liked the cliffs. Now I just like kissing his face. Really liked it.

He had twisted his fingers in my hair and one hand was going up the back of my shirt. His skin was moving up mine. My chest pressed against his. The taste of Edward was so strong as our tongues moved together. He actually didn't smell like cigarettes. Instead he smelled like boy. It was a wonderful scent.

More. More. More.

Edward was unhooking my bra.

"Whoa there," I objected, breathlessly. Edward's palm was flat against my back where my bra was originally connected. "What are you doing?"

"Touching." His mouth was still against mine. It was like we were kiss talking. "Does it feel good?"

"Yes . . . No . . . Sort of." I pushed him away. "I said we would be going slow."

Edward looked confused and started messing with his hair. "This _is _slow."

"What's fast to you? Should I be naked in the backseat?"

His smile grew big. "You want to?"

"No!" I struggled to fix my bra. How something that I do everyday became difficult to do at this moment was a mystery. "You can take me home now."

I expected him to start the car and pull out without speaking to me ever again. Instead he said, "Bella, I—"

"I'm serious, Edward. I'm not going to be doing that stuff yet," I explained. "I don't know you. Not really. I'm going to be in love if, you know, I do it. You're cute and all, but I'm not in love with you."

Not yet. After this night there would never be the chance.

"You think I'm cute?" Edward asked. He held my chin and looked into my eyes.

"That's all you got out of what I said?" You have to be kidding me.

"Nah. You're different. Bella Swan, you're one cool girl. I want to get to know you." His arms wrapped around my waist and I felt him under my shirt again. "I like you, girl."

"Did you forget about slow?" I gave him the meanest look I could muster up.

He hooked my bra and patted the clasp twice. "Just fixing you up."

"Oh." Whiplash, thy name is Edward Cullen.

"Can I still do this?" Edward inquired, as he pulled me close again.

I clutched the sleeves of his flannel. "Sure."

He rubbed his nose against mine. "This?"

"Okay."

The bottom of my lip was tugged on by Edward's teeth. "You good?"

"Uh huh." I was trembling in his arms.

He kissed me. I kissed him back.

"This good, pretty?" He called me pretty again and I wanted to melt into him. I sighed, as he ran his nose from my forehead to chin.

"Please," I sighed.

The kissing started up again. I was seeing a whole different set of stars now and they were all made up of Edward.


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy the chapter. **

Chapter 11

The blood was rushing into her face. Of course, Alice's head was upside down from where she was hanging over the edge of my bed.

"We need the most epic costumes ever. There is no way that Pete is going have a better one this year," she announced. "I think this is the best head rush ever."

"Petey's costume was lame," Jacob disagreed. He was laying on my bed next to her on his stomach and flipping through an issue of _Seventeen_. "Mr. Rodgers? Mocking a hero of my childhood is a shitty thing to do."

"It was funny!" Alice was swaying her head back and forth. Her hair looked like a curtain in a breeze. "I'm going to be Stevie Nicks. I'm a musical gypsy!"

"You sound like a wounded goose," Jacob stated with a chuckle.

"Who are you talking about?" I asked. Sometimes Alice talks about things that I have no clue about.

Alice sat up and looked at me like I had two heads. "Fleetwood Mac, girl! They were visionaries of rock music!"

"My parents like them." I tried not to wrinkle up my nose. Old people music. Its like Alice was from another time.

"You're already Stevie Nicks, Al," Jacob pointed out. "Your clothes already look like an ethereal hobo."

I spun my desk chair around in circles to get dizzy, as Alice threw one of my sneakers at his head. Those two were the best distraction ever. There was no way that I wanted to work on a report about _1984_. It wasn't that the book was bad or anything. It really made me think about having no power at all and being oppressed. Teenagers have no power at all. This story was just what we were all living anyway. I think. I might be missing the whole point, because instead of concentrating on the words, I was daydreaming about Edward's kissing skills.

"I'm not sure I'm going. I need to ask Edward if he wants to go," I said this without thinking.

Alice tumbled off my bed, landing in a heap on the floor. "Ow! Oh no, you don't, lady! Don't you dare become one of those girls that only hangs out and does what her boyfriend tells her to."

"I'm not!" Maybe I was. "This thing is so new and I don't want to make waves."

Jacob didn't look up from the article on Brad Pitt he was reading. "Waves keep relationships exciting, Bell. If he can't ride the surf than find a new board, babe. It says this in this month's relationship quiz."

"This month's relationship quiz never dated Edward Cullen," I pointed out, as I kept spinning.

"He's just a boy like the rest," Alice stated. She sat up and grinned. "Don't put him on a pedestal, Isabella. Cullen hasn't earned shit."

I looked down at the coloring book that sat on the edge of my desk. Hello Kitty and her bright pink bow looked up at me with her black circles eyes. Edward did earn a little something in my opinion.

Jacob interrupted my staring contest with the kitty. I wouldn't have won it anyway. "Do you want to go to the dance?"

My answer was effortless. "Yeah."

"Well there you go." He gave a little smile and flipped a page.

Jacob should write some sort of advice column in like the school newspaper. He had all the answers. His life might be a mess, but he sure could straighten the rest of us out.

"Always so smart," I teased.

"Of course, I am," he agreed and than yawned.

My mom brought in a tray of celery sticks covered in cream cheese and apples decorated in peanut butter. There were glasses of milk. She was the most embarrassing mother on the planet.

"Mom!" She treated us like babies. It wasn't like we couldn't grab a bag of chips and some soda. Of course, Dad hid them where mom couldn't find them. Sugar was good! I had no idea what Mom's problem was. Maybe she was lacking a sweet tooth. It would explain so much. "We don't want that—"

"So cool, Mrs. S!" Jacob exclaimed.

My friends were traitors. Jacob and Alice descended on the tray like starving people.

Mom was beaming. "You kids need to keep your strength up with all this studying! Do you need any help?"

No.

"We're trying to figure out what we're going to be for the Halloween dance!" Alice explained. Her mouth was full of peanut butter and apple. It made her talk all funny.

"I love Halloween!" My mom plopped down on my bed next to my friends. What was she thinking? She wasn't allowed to hangout with us!

Plus, Mom has no right to like Halloween. The woman hated candy goodness. That makes her not allowed to have an opinion on anything.

"Mom, I think Bree is calling you," I lied. Bree was probably happily content playing Barbies or something childish in the basement. The little brat told me she was being me for Halloween. If she gets dressed like a witch or a zombie and says that's me, she's a dead girl.

"Vampires are always fun," Mom said this as if she was an expert on all that was creepy in the night. As if. "Bella loves watching that _Buffy_ show."

Maybe the rug in my bedroom could suck me into the floor. That would be far more pleasant than my mother talking to us.

"That would be so neat! I need fangs." Alice looked wistfully at my mom. "That would be cool, right?"

Sometimes, Alice acted like my mom was the coolest. It was if she wanted my mom's approval or something.

"I think I have a velvet cape!" Mom clapped excitedly. "You want to borrow it?"

"Oh yes!" Alice looked joyful. That joy turned to a devious smirk. "I have an idea for Bella, but—"

"What do you need?" She had my mother eating out of her hands.

Alice hopped up. "A ride to this great vintage shop I know. The perfect costume is there. You'll love it, Mrs. Swan!"

If that's the case, I'll absolutely hate it.

XXXXXX

I didn't quite hate it. It was pretty perfect.

"You know the story, right?" Alice asked as we sat in the library. I was trying to study, surrounded by books and she was painting her nails black.

"The only story I know right now is this report on_ Romeo and Juliet_. It might be considered a classic, but it's depressing." I had no clue why two teenagers would want to kill themselves because they had crushes on each other. It was just dumb.

"I'm talking about the inspiration for your costume, Isabella!" She must have messed up a nail. Alice's face wrinkled up in disgust as she examined her finger. "Damn it!"

"Lillian Hale? That story is a myth they tell to explain the noises the boiler makes," I said. I started writing more notes.

Alice closed my notebook in front of my face. "She was Rosalie's great aunt!"

"Rosalie?"

"Emmett's chick," Alice reminded me.

"Oh, yeah?" The mean one that I had never met. She was related to the dead girl. Cool.

"Yeah. Rose tells a wicked story about how it all went down. The reason she's haunting the halls of our school is due to the broken heart she received on a fated Halloween night. A rose clutched in her hand from her beloved Matthew, she wandered the halls the night of the Sweetheart's Dance to search for him. Only when Lilly finally saw her love, he was in the arms of another girl. She was the vile captain of the cheerleading squad. Poor Lilly was so distraught that she threw herself out of the window in the biology lab and died on the pavement below under a full moon!" Alice threw her arms in the air cackled loudly. The school librarian angrily shushed her.

Alice's story was so full of holes it might as well be swiss cheese. It's a goofy expression, but my dad always says it. I think those words are now stuck in my brain.

I gave her a grin. "My grandfather used to tell a story about her. She tripped on her shoelace and fell down the stairs on her way to Home Ec. It was during the middle of the day and she was dating some guy named Dick who was on the chess team. He was Grampy's friend."

My friend glared at me and wrinkled up her nose. "You have no romantic soul, Isabella. You're dead inside. Let's go with my version, it's beautiful and haunting."

"It's also completely made up."

Alice pulled out a flask and took a drink. She had no issue with pulling that thing out. Supposedly there was fruit punch in it, but it smelled like the varnish my mom was using on some old furniture she was fixing. I glanced around for the librarian, but she was probably sipping her own flask in her office.

"Put that away!" I hissed.

"It's totally good, chicka." She pulled out an old year book from her bag. "You look just like her."

I looked nothing like her. The front of Lillian Hale's blond bob was pulled back in a barrette. Her thick glasses took up most of her face. She kind of looked like a rat.

"Thanks a lot." I frowned at the picture.

Alice looked at me thoughtfully. "Not really, but it's just the impression of her that we're going for. You are much prettier, my little swan. A girl from the fifties with a little mohair sweater and ankle socks. Cullen will lose his shit when he sees you looking like that. You'll look like a wet dream come true."

I threw a wadded up piece of notebook paper at her head. Alice laughed and tried to duck out of the way. I still managed to get her ear.

"Wet dream? You thinking about me, Bella?" Edward pulled the chair out that was next to me. He threw an arm around my shoulder and kissed me on the side of my head.

"We were discussing yours, Cullen," Alice answered for me. I was going to kill her. It would be slow and painful.

He pulled me closer. "Really? Are these starring any girl in particular?"

I would welcome any person, including obnoxious Jasper, to save me from all this embarrassment right now.

"We were discussing Bella's Halloween costume." Alice was grinning happily at my discomfort.

Edward ran his nose down my cheek. "Slutty nurse?"

Oh my God.

"What are your feelings on school girls?" Her eyes were twinkling and my face was burning.

"Catholic? Plaid skirts are hot." His hand was running up and down my leg. "Am I getting a private trick and treat show, Miss Bella."

I put my head on the table. My words were muffled by the fake wood. "Can we stop talking about this?"

"All will be revealed at the dance, Cullen." I heard Alice stand. "Did she tell you that she was going? You should join in. It will be a blast. I'm going to find Jakey. Toodles, pumpkins!"

Fingers were tickling the back of my neck. I giggled and turned my head to see him looking at me. He quietly said, "I don't do dances."

"I know. My friends are going and I need to spend time with them. It's important," I explained. A piece of me knew that what I had with Edward was fleeting. I felt it deep in the marrow of my bones. When it ended, I didn't want to end up alone.

His green eyes bore into me. "Help me find a, you know, book or something."

I was pulled up from the table. His hand held mine tightly and I was led back into the stacks away from prying eyes. He pushed me against the books and placed his mouth on mine. Lips clashed and tongues twisted. His hands went under my shirt and stroked the skin.

"So soft," he said into my mouth.

"You need a book about chemistry?" I asked breathlessly. We were in the science section.

He gave his little smile. "I like the chemistry I have with you. I don't completely understand it though. You make me want to be different."

Edward sucked on my neck. He nipped it with his teeth and it felt wonderful.

"I'm sorry?"

Pulling away, Edward held my face in his hands. "Never be sorry for making me feel. I'll always be grateful."

I kissed him again, because I was grateful to him too.

XXXXXX

We had to add a floral scarf that Alice stole from her aunt for my costume.

A hickey from Edward needed to be hid from the prying eyes of my parents and the turtlenecks I had been wearing wouldn't work with my costume. The scarf was actually perfect. I peeked at my reflection in the trophy case. I looked like a perfect example of a teenager from the past. My horned rimmed glasses had rhinestones on the edges that looked like a pair I had seen in pictures of my grandmother when she was young. The pair of saddle shoes fit perfectly. I added a plaid skirt. Edward might not be seeing me tonight, but I did that for him anyway.

"Oh my God! Bella Swan, you look amazing!" Jessica ran up to me. She wore a black leotard with a long tail and a headband with ears. A boy whistled at her. Jessica answered with her middle finger. "I love it!"

Alice snuck behind Jessica and grabbed her. She placed her mouth next to Jess's neck. "I shall suck your blood, pretty kitty."

Jessica's laughter filled the hall. "Awesome! Hey, there's my mouse!"

Maria looked awkward as she walked up with Jacob. Her grey mouse costume was really cute, but she seemed embarrassed. "I look awful. I'm sorry."

"You look great." I squeezed her hand. I meant it.

"I like it too!" Alice agreed. "What the hell are you, Jake?"

"A jock." Jacob wore a letterman jacket and looked like every other guy in school. It was only frightening for Halloween, because it was somebody who Jacob was not.

Alice put her arm in his. "What _will _I do with you, sweetie?"

We went into the gymnasium and it was covered in fake cobwebs, jack-o-lanterns and orange Christmas lights. The whole place had an eerie ambiance that, while tacky, made me feel happy. It made me glad that I came with my friends tonight.

"Hey." Jasper walked up to us. He was dressed like a scarecrow and looked uncomfortable. He kept scratching at the straw stuck into his clothes. He looked at me. "What are you?"

"A dead girl sent to haunt your nightmares," I stated.

His face scrunched up like he was sucking a lemon. "You don't look like a zombie. Where's your rotting flesh?"

Jasper Whitlock was like the worst. "I'm a ghost!"

"Where's your sheet?" He looked confused.

Alice rushed forward to rescue Jasper from me throttling him. "My date is here! Let me bite your stuffing neck and lick out your straw blood."

She actually made him blush. It was amazing. "I . . . Well . . . I should—"

"Dance with me!" She announced and pulled him to the dance floor.

I turned to watch them dance. It was a bunch of odd and jerky movements. I think this might be the weirdest Halloween ever.

"What is Alice doing?" I think she just pinched the butt area of his overalls. Jasper jumped at her touch.

Jacob snorted. "She really likes him. Alice has always had the most unique tastes."

That was an understatement.

"We need to dance like they are!" Jessica announced. She grabbed Jacob and Maria's arms. "Bella?"

I looked for an escape, but was saved by a knight. "Hi, Mike."

"Hey, guys! You all look great." He turned to smile at me and gave me a bow. "You look lovely, milady."

My return curtsey was horrible and I fell into him. He caught me easily. "I like the gallant knight look. It works for you."

His smile grew. "You going to dance?"

"I'm not much of a dancer," I admitted. "You go ahead and dance with Jess."

"Is it because of Edward Cullen? I heard you two are together." He looked down at his boots, frowning.

"Yeah. I—"

His face turned solemn and he took my hand. "You deserve so much. You need to know that. You're such a terrific girl. Really special. I just think—"

I pulled my hand away. "Mike, please—"

"There's my girl," Edward said. He held out a single rose. His hair was slicked back and he wore a leather jacket with a white tee-shirt underneath. There was a cigarette behind his ear. He was the perfect fifties greaser to match my fifties school girl. "Thanks for keeping her company."

Mike muttered, "I'm going to dance with Jessica."

I looked up at Edward. "You don't do dances."

"I do when Bella is involved." He pulled me close. One hand behind my neck and the other on my waist. "I couldn't resist a little schoolgirl waiting for me."

"Oh."

He kissed my nose. "You look pretty. I like the skirt."

"I though you would."

"Can I get under it?" He asked with teasing eyes.

I hit his shoulder gently. "Behave."

He started swaying me slowly. "I told my parents about you. They want you to come to dinner tomorrow night."

"Do you want me to come?"

It was Edward and I always treaded so carefully around him. Would my worry ever fade?

"In so many ways, girl." His lips brushed mine as I frowned at him. "Yes, little lady, I want you to come to dinner."

I smiled and he pulled me so tightly against him that I felt like we were all alone. We continued to sway.

"You know that we're slow dancing to the Monster Mash, right?" I asked. This felt so perfect.

"I wouldn't dance with you any other way." His eyes met mine. "I don't want you out of my arms."

In this moment, I believed in him and I believed in us. I prayed it would last.


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: We have no internet and I'm sending out this chapter at the library. I think I see another mom giving me weird looks. I bet she knows I'm writing fan fiction. Oh no.**

**I also feel sick. **

**Enjoy. Share with your friends. Have a great day. Thank you for reading.**

Chapter 12

Halloween was a night of ghosts and goblins haunting shadows. Things going bump in the dark houses. I wasn't scared of those frightening things. Instead I was terrified of meeting Edward's parents.

I was dressed up in a costume though. The perfect girl who was meeting her boyfriend's family. I was even wearing a cardigan. My hair was pulled back and I had borrowed my mom's pearl earrings. This wasn't me was it? Maybe it was. I didn't know anything anymore.

My eyes were fixated on my reflection in the mirror as I applied the lip gloss that Edward liked. My stomach was a flurry of flapping butterflies. I might throw up.

"Bella, Edward is here!" Mom's voice floated up the stairs. She sounded flirty and giggly. My own mother had a crush on my boyfriend. So gross.

Deep breaths are important. I needed to remember to take them so I don't pass out in front of Edward's parents. Maybe, I can pretend to be sick and hide in my closet.

My hands clutched my dresser and willed myself to move. I can do this. I put my head down and shut my eyes. I felt two hands on my waist. Edward whispered in my ear, "Your mom sent me up her to get you."

I lifted my head and saw us in the mirror. He held me tightly. One of his hands rested right under my breasts. The other was on top of my belly button. His pointer finger was pressed into it. Edward rubbed his nose on my neck. He made my whole body ignite.

"You look nice," he said softly. "My mother will approve of those earrings."

Edward was mocking me.

"I should change," I whispered.

He turned me to face him. My chin in his fingers. "Don't you dare. It's just different. I like the skirt."

"You have a skirt obsession," I pointed out.

"I have a Bella in a skirt obsession," he countered. "I have getting Bella out of it dream. You wanna help me with that?"

Both of my hands went on his chest to push him away. "My dad will have a fit he finds you in here."

"Your mom says he's in the bathroom. We have some time." He took my arms and wrapped them around his neck. "I like your bears."

My bed was covered in stuffed animal. The walls were covered in ripped out pages from _Seventeen_ and _Jane. _It was embarrassing,

"Oh God," I muttered and hid my head in his shirt.

"Kiss me," he whispered. "I need it."

My head went up and his lips met mine. He clutched the back of my skirt. I could feel his hands rubbing against my butt. I wanted him to throw me down on my stuffed toys and ravage me like those woman on the covers of my mom's romance novels. Every kiss made me want more. My brain couldn't function rationally when he was near.

"I'm so telling Daddy!" I heard Bree's voice in the doorway.

I pushed Edward away to find my little sister laughing at us.

The little monster was wearing my clothes and she had her hair colored a crazy red color that was even worse than mine. My flannel hung on her and she wore overalls with it. She shuffled her feet and clutched the sleeves of the flannel. Bree started chewing her lip.

"Get out of my clothes!" I roared at her.

"God . . . Like that is so boring. Ugh. Everything is so . . . Like . . . I guess . . . dumb." She gave a dramatic sigh. "I need to whine in my room about life! It's so unfair!"

"That is so fucking cool, Bella! She's being you!" Edward exclaimed. He started cracking up.

I was not impressed by Bree's Halloween costume at all. "I hope you like being a ghost for Halloween, because I'm going to kill you!"

Bree squealed and ran out of the room. "Daddy! Bella has a boy in her room!"

I grabbed Edward's hand. "We better go before my Dad tries to destroy you with a spatula!"

"That costume was perfect," Edward stated. He was still laughing.

"Shut up." I couldn't help smiling a little. What can I say? Happy Edward is infectious.

XXXXXX

Edward's house was enormous. Like, my house could fit in the bathroom in this place. It looked like the house from _Gone with the Wind._ My mom and I like watching that movie on rainy Sunday afternoons. I felt like Scarlett O'Hara in her curtain dress.

"Fiddle dee dee," I said quietly.

"What? Edward asked as he turned off the car. His hand found my bare knee.

I shrugged. "Your parent's house is pretty."

"You're pretty," he said. His hand moved further under my skirt. "Let's go somewhere else."

"They're waiting for us." I tightened as that hand kept moving. "What are you doing?"

"Are you nervous? About meeting my parents?"

"I was," I admitted. "I'm more nervous about what you're doing now."

Edward's fingers were stroking the edges of my underwear. A part of me wanted him to slip that finger under the elastic. It was scary, but I was curious and he was everything.

"Good. Don't be nervous about my stupid parents." He rubbed the fabric. I found myself shifting up to get more pressure from his touch. It felt really good. Edward pressed harder. His mouth brushed mine. "You're trembling. I . . . You know—"

"You know what?" My words were breathless. He was making circles and I whimpered. I didn't even know that I could make that sound.

He put his forehead on mine. "I love making you hot."

That's when he pulled away and I was left a mess.

"We've been spotted," he announced. The front light on the porch turned on. Edward took my hand. "Time to hang out with the wolves."

XXXXXX

Edward's mom was drunk. All glassy eyes and slurring words. It was like Alice acted some days at school.

Don't get me wrong. I thought Elizabeth Cullen was beautiful. Her long auburn hair was pulled into a sleek ponytail and her suit looked like something you would see in a fashion magazine. She held a wine glass and was full of praise for me. "You are just the sweetest thing! Carlisle, isn't she such a little doll?"

"Bella, we are so pleased to have you here," Edward's dashing father stated. He looked like a movie star with his platinum blond hair. There was only a little gray at the hairline. "To think that Edward could find such a nice young lady is a surprise. A very pleasant surprise."

Edward whispered in my ear, "He's sleeping with Esme, another doctor he works with."

Oh.

Dinner was a formal affair of beef wellington and fancy, little potatoes. If my dad was here he would ask for the recipe. It was kind of stuffy, but good. If I wasn't so nervous I would have eaten more. Edward's hand on my thigh wasn't helping my appetite for food. My appetite for kissing him was going crazy, but I needed to stay the sweet, pleasant girl for his parents.

Dr. Cullen smiled his patient smile at me. "What does your father do, Bella?"

"He was a CPA, but he's going to open a restaurant." Over Mom's dead body, because she sent Dad's resume to Ernst & Young behind his back.

"Can we just have some dessert?" Edward asked with frown. I knew he was protecting me.

Dinner had begun with relaxed small talk and now was getting down to family questions. What's next? Asking about my parent's marriage? Sir, my parent's marriage is kind of not good now. I'm hoping not to become a kid of divorce. Is that what he wants to know?

"A restaurant? How delightful! What type?" Edward's mom trilled. She drank more wine.

I grabbed Edward's hand under the table. He rubbed my knuckles. I answered quietly, "I'm not sure. He's a terrific cook."

"Is your father working right now, Bella?" Dr. Cullen asked.

"No," I whispered. I felt his eyes boring into my soul.

Edward hissed, "Cut it out, Dad."

"Edward, I'm just worrying about Bella and her family. Not having a steady income leads one to believe—" Dr. Cullen started to say.

He was judging my family. He was judging me.

"My mother works in marketing. She has a degree in it." I looked Edward's dad in the eye. "My mother is wonderful at what she does. I think that she can support our family and that she's a good role model for my me. I want to have a career and be successful. Watching mom makes me want to succeed."

That moment was a revelation. I was speaking the truth. Even after all the horribleness going on in my house thanks to that creep Phil, I knew that my mom was great at her job. She took her responsibilities seriously. I wanted to be like my mom. So weird.

Dr. Cullen took his napkin off his lap and looked at me. He was trying to figure out the puzzle that is me. Good luck, Dr. C. I'm still trying to untangle that jumble. "What do you want to be, Bella?"

"A teacher, I think." The words flew out of my mouth. The truth was that it sounded pretty good at the moment. Tomorrow I might want to be a baker. Next week, who knows? I might want to train bears in the circus.

Never mind, probably not the bear training.

"That's a noble profession to want to pursue, Bella. Edward, you need to be more like this young lady and have career goals," Dr. Cullen stated and put his napkin on the table. "You need to find some direction."

Edward face was a mask. He didn't look upset or angry. It was like he just didn't care. "I have the band."

"A group of you boys playing around with instruments isn't a career, Edward. Hobbies are all well and good, but they aren't something that you depend on to pay the bills and support your family." Dr. Cullen folded his hands in front of his plate and looked at his son like Edward was going to come to his way of thinking.

I bet they've had this conversation a million times before. It was like when my mom sat me down to try to get me to join more school activities at school so I could put them on my college applications. She was trying to get me to think further than the next pep rally or date with my high school crush. See the big picture of the whole world in front of me and not just area code of Forks.

Except when you're a kid, the here and now is a big deal. Edward's music was a big deal to him. I knew this. Dr. Cullen trying to use me to get Edward to change his mind on the subject would never work. I was just some girl that Edward was dating. I was his present, but his future with his music was going to be something great. I believed in him.

"Supporting my family, Dad? I should probably make a private session with Dr. Platt? I would think she would be full of ideas about supporting families. Don't you think she would love to have me in her office? I wonder what she thinks of younger models?" Edward's voice was chilly.

I wasn't sure what was going on here, but I probably shouldn't be listening to it.

Dr. Cullen hissed, "Not in front of your mother and our guest! Have some respect, son!"

Edward's mother just drank more wine and smiled. She had no clue what was happening around her. "Bella, sweetie, what do you think of chocolate mousse? Would you enjoy that for dessert?"

"Sounds great. Thank you." I wondered if she could hear me, because I whispered it. This was one uncomfortable dinner.

"Does Dr. Platt like chocolate mousse, Pop? Or is she more of a pudding kind of lady?" Edward asked his father with a smirk.

Dr. Cullen stood. His face was red with anger. I thought he was going to lash out at Edward, but instead he took a deep breath and looked at me. "Bella, it was wonderful having you here tonight. We'll have to do it again soon. Elizabeth and I must be off to a cocktail party. Please enjoy dessert."

"Oh Carlisle, must we leave so soon? It has been such a wonderful evening!" Then she added, "I haven't even finished my wine."

"They have wine at the party, Elizabeth," Dr. Cullen stated with a frown. "Let's go."

As Dr. Cullen helped his wife stand, Edward said, "Tell Esme hello for me."

His father's back stiffened at Edward's words and they left without looking back.

"What?" Edward said to me. My arms were folded and I just looked at him. "What's wrong?"

"I remember a time when you didn't say much and l really wanted you to say more. Now I just miss you being quiet." I rubbed my hands on my eyes. "That was painful."

"Sorry. My dad, I don't know, gets on my nerves," Edward took my hand. He kissed the inside of my wrist. "I'll make it up to you."

"What about your mom? What you said—" I began.

"Was drunk." Edward pulled me up out of my chair. "Dessert is in the kitchen, but I have a better place to enjoy it."

XXXXXX

"This works." Edward sat two glasses dishes filled with gooey chocolate on his dresser.

He was planning on us eating on his bed. I just stared at the blue bedspread. His room was all shades of blue. It would be soothing like the sea, but instead I just felt like a jittery mess of nervous energy.

My back was against the closed door, as I watched him sit on the bed. He patted the bedspread. "C'mere."

"That's some messy stuff right there. We should eat it in the kitchen," I suggested. It was a safer option.

"Bella." Edward pointed to me and motioned to me with his finger. "I'm very neat."

I moved very slowly to the bed and sat. My hands in my lap and staring forward. A spoon full of mousse was put against my mouth. I took a bite. It was delicious. "Wow! Did your mom make—"

He kissed me. Pulling away, Edward cupped my chin. "You had a little chocolate on your lips."

"Thanks for getting that for me." I was feeling happily lightheaded.

Chocolate was placed on my nose. It was kissed off. He put some on his. "My turn."

I helped Edward get it off like he did to me. My giggles were nervous.

He put some more right above the neckline of my sweater. I swallowed thickly. "You're going to get my cardigan dirty."

"You can take it off."

Oh.

"I'll go first," he offered.

Edward pulled off his shirt and I was going to faint. He drew a smiley face onto his stomach.

I just laughed at him.

His fingers went to unbutton my cardigan. I watched with wide eyes as they came undone, one by one. "I promise to make this fun."

"I'm not ready to—"

"I know." He pulled the fabric away from my shoulders and went to the front of my bra. "I think it's nice that they made these to open up in the front. Easier."

It was like he was a bra expert or something. I wondered about what bras he opened before. The girls he touched before me. I pushed those thoughts and the doubt from my mind. More feeling and less thinking was a good plan. Maybe.

I watched as Edward unhooked the latch. Part of me thought I should stop him, but I listened to the part who wanted his hands on me.

"Edward," I sighed into his mouth as he kissed me. His was massaging my breasts with his large fingers.

"Does it feel good?" He asked. Edward started biting my neck.

I pulled away quickly.

Edward looked confused. "Did it hurt?"

"No more hickeys!"

That made him laugh really hard.

Instead of leaving more marks that could potentially lead to his death by my angry father, Edward took the chocolate and wiped some onto my breasts. "Trust me?"

"A tiny bit." This made him smile.

"A tiny bit," he repeated. Edward started kissing the chocolate off of my breasts. It made my whole body feel like it was electric.

His hands traveled up my skirt as he sucked on the skin of my chest. Edward started doing that amazing thing with his fingers again. They began to move under the fabric of my underwear.

I pushed against his chest. There was chocolate all over my hands from where his chocolate smiley face was. "Edward—"

"I'll be good," he promised. "We'll work our way there."

I wanted this. I wasn't ready. My head was contradicting itself with so many different thoughts.

He put my hand on the front of pants. Edward had unbuttoned it at some point. I felt _it_. It was so big.

"I think it's growing," I observed in astonishment.

He smirked. "It does that. If you rub it, it will only grow bigger."

Edward tickled my waist. I giggled and moved my hand against him. This was only an experiment, because I was curious. At least that was what I was telling myself.

The wandering hands of Mr. Edward Cullen went back to my underwear. "I won't go under, but I want you to feel as good as I am."

My whole body was a quivering mess of nerves exploding on that blue bedspread. Edward was making weird animal noises as I touched him. If I wasn't feeling so amazing, I might have worried about all the grunting and groaning. Of course, some of that might actually be coming from me.

That's when I felt the wetness on my hand, as Edward did one final grunt followed by, "Oh God, Bella."

Did I hurt him?

Edward's unspoken answer was kissing me and pulling me against him. My head was using his torso as a pillow. He was smiling.

My hand was still wet from his underwear. I wasn't sure if he peed, but it was gross. I mean I was happy he had liked it, but I really need to get this stuff off.

"Edward, umm . . . my hand is—"

He moved me and jumped up. "Right! Yeah . . . I . . . Give me a minute."

I watched as he rushed into the small bathroom that was connected to his room. The water started running and I turned to stare at his ceiling. It was a boring white. Mine had glow-in-the-dark stars. I missed my stars, my stuffed animal, and the Barbies that were hidden in a book under my bed. He made me see all the stars in the universe with the way he made me feel, but I still felt like a child. It was all so confusing.

"Hey, come on in here," Edward directed. I pulled my cardigan on, but only managed to get two buttons attached as I walked in. He stood wearing a pair of sweatpants that sat low on his hips. The boy was beautiful.

Turning on the water, I began to wash my hands. I could feel his eyes on me. I looked into the mirror and saw him looking. My face was a flushed and my hair a bird's nest. Edward was grinning. I had to ask, "What?"

"You're really good looking, you know. Like what my mom calls like a natural beauty," Edward explained.

My cheeks only became redder as I blushed.

Edward wrapped his arms around me and began to button up the remaining buttons. He put his head against mine. He said solemnly, "I don't want this to end."

Neither did I. I wanted every part of him. That was the scary part. Halloween might be a night of otherworldly frights, but the most terrifying thing to me was how much Edward made me feel. How much he made me want. I didn't understand it and I wasn't sure that I was ready for all of this.

My face was turned for another kiss and I decide to go with the scary for now.


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: Thank you for reading. If you like it, Please share with your friends.**

**Trust me. HEA girl here, gang! Usually. There's a few stories that I did some bad things to Bella and Edward. This one though, I have a plan. Have I ever steered you wrong? **

Chapter 13

I wasn't sure why I thought it was funny.

"Bella, if you don't stop laughing than I'll start laughing," Jess reprimanded. "I can't teach you about the birds and the bees this way!"

She was sitting on my bed crossed legged and drawing in her spiral notebook. The things she was drawing were pictures of like penises and the things they could do. To me they looked more like a banana that had two gigantic basketballs attached. The drips she made coming out of it made me think the banana ball monsters were crying. It was probably due to the eye she drew on it complete with eyebrow and glasses.

"Jess, that thing is hilarious!" I was sitting next to her and in my own notebook drew flowers. Big and small blooms filled the page. "I can't take your description seriously."

Health class never explained this stuff. Usually Mrs. Johnson talked about nutrition and remembering to make exercise a part of your day. We had a refresher course about our periods in a special all-girls class. There was a movie with a talking butterfly that I think was made for middle school girls. We hadn't gotten to talk about anything concerning sex. She might be avoiding it, because the boys were already making jokes when she lectured about bananas being a good source of potassium.

This lack of knowing about the important stuff like doing it with Edward just makes things even more confusing. Can't they just explain it to us like we're adults? I mean they always tell us to act like adults. Of course, I'm giggling over Jess's weird drawings so maybe I'm not so grownup after all.

Jessica put her hand on my pen, It streaked across the page making a dark line over my pretty flowers. "Girl, my dad always says that if you can't take something seriously than you shouldn't be doing it. I think that if you can't deal with how messy sex with Edward is going to be than you shouldn't be doing it. I wasn't taking being with Tyler seriously and I ended up buying a pregnancy test."

"Just because I thought it was pee, doesn't mean that—"

She began to laugh. "It was an honest mistake. I thought so until I felt the actual stuff. It's totally thick like watery pudding."

"That's so gross!" I squealed.

"You think that's gross," Jessica reclined back on the pillows of my bed. "Sperm tastes nasty like salty . . . I don't know . . . Slime."

With a gleeful smile, she placed the end of her pen next to her mouth and pretended to suck on it. I watched her in horror.

The laughter started again and Jessica exclaimed, "The look on your face is cracking me up!"

"It isn't that bad?" I asked nervously.

"Oh no, it's bad. Really bad. You just dive right it and hope you don't choke, Bells," Jess stated with a wink.

Her laughs were catching because I joined her, after throwing a pillow at her head.

"Girls, are you okay in there?" My mom peeked her head in the door of my bedroom.

The notebook that had Jessica's badly drawn penises sat exposed on my bed. I threw my body over it and smiled up at my mom trying to distract her from noticing the book. "Studying, Mom. Could you bring us up some snacks?"

Mom gave us a bright smile. She loved feeling needed. "I'll get some veggies and dip for you girls. Ranch, okay?"

"I love ranch, Mrs. Swan," Jessica said brightly. After my mother walked out the door, she added, "Thick and wet just like the stuff that came out of Tyler."

Gross.

I tapped her with her notebook. "Cut it out! We need to get rid of that page before my mom finds it."

"You have some matches? We can burn it and light some incense to mask the smell of the burning paper," Jessica suggested.

"We have to rip it up. My parents think have incense means a person's on drugs." I ripped out the page and started pulling it apart into little pieces.

"My mom is the same way." Jessica grabbed a larger piece that I had already ripped up and joined me in destroying her artwork. "If Alice was here we could totally burn it. She has a lighter."

Her words made me sad. Alice had been a mess lately. She flitted in and out of our orbit the whole week. The whites of her eyes were now an irritated pink. The things she talked about made no sense. There were no aliens hiding in her closet or monsters in the gymnasium at school. I knew Jacob was worried. He had gone to meet with Alice's mom, but said she was strung out with needle holes in her arms. The whole situation was awful. I wanted to tell my parents, but Jacob wanted me to wait. He didn't want to make Alice run away. I think trying to handle this ourselves was going to make things worse.

"She's been hang in with Emmett. I don't know when we'll see her around," I admitted sadly.

Jessica squeezed my hand, "It will be okay."

Would it? I wasn't sure, because lately it seemed that things were spiraling out of control and there was nothing I could do about it.

XXXXXX

The back seat of Edward's car wasn't the most comfortable place to be at the moment. We've been going to our make-out spot a lot lately. He was always suggesting heading back to his house to listen to music. I think that was a code for getting naked on his bed. That wasn't going to be happening anytime soon, because I kept thinking about what Jessica said.

I couldn't take sex seriously right now. Did that mean that I didn't take Edward seriously? No, I took my feelings for him very seriously. We could grow into this. Get to know each other more and more to make it special. I think we had the possibility to really be in grownup love if we didn't rush things.

This was my attempt at being smart. That was a hard thing to do because I was being pressed into the seat and my head kept banging into the door. Edward was trying to pull up my shirt and I was pushing it back into place.

His mouth was on my neck, licking and kissing up the skin. He began to palm my breast over my shirt. It felt so good. I was panting.

"Take it off," he stated in my ear. It sounded like he was pleading. His other hands were on the button of my jeans. "You take off yours. I take off mine."

"I can't," I sighed into his mouth as he kissed me. His fingers had slipped into my jeans and under my underwear. They were rubbing me so gently that I was going to crumble to his will. So good. I whispered, "We're in a car."

"All alone." He nibbled my ear. One finger pushed into me. In and out. Oh God. It was everything I clutched his shoulders. "You like, girl?"

My body was betraying my mind. "More."

"More," he repeated.

Another finger in me and I bit into his neck. Edward ground his pelvis into me and hissed, "Baby, touch me."

He managed, in this tight space, to stick my hand down his pants. I was clutching his dick in car and trying to stifle a giggle. Calling it dick was silly. Was his penis's real name Richard?

"Touch me, Bella," he repeated. My hands moved, but reluctantly. I liked doing things like this with him, but we were in a car. It made me feel weird.

His words made all my silliness disappear as his fingers moved in me. Edward's kisses were hard and fast. I thought I saw headlights in the window.

"Edward, I—"

I wanted to stop. This was going to go too far. Please understand how I feel.

He whispered in my ear. "Let's do it. I need this."

"Do what?" I squeaked pulling away. My head hit the handle bar on the door hard. That hurt!

"Sex. I think we should do it." He crouched on his knees as his head touched the ceiling of his car.

We were in the backseat of his car. It was so hot in here, I was sticking on the leather seats. I wanted us to be in love with candles and flowers. Soft music playing on the radio would be in the background as we were on an actual bed. The bed being the most important part of my fantasy.

I struggled to button my jeans. "No."

"Bella, I need this," he stated looking frustrated. His fingers went to his hair pulling the strands upward. It looked painful. "I'm so stressed out! Just do it for me."

"I'm not loosing my virginity because you are having a bad day," I pointed out. I struggled to get out of the car. "Take me home!"

I stumbled out of the car. The air was cool. It wasn't cooling down my contradicting emotions. Sure I wanted to be with Edward. Sex was something I thought about all the time, but he wasn't listening to me. Not only was I not ready, but I wasn't going to have sex in a car if I was. Edward made me so mad.

He exited the car in a huff. "Grow up, Bella!"

"Grow up? I'm not I grown-up and neither are you! We're kids. There is no reason for us to have sex right now." I glared at him. "This isn't the time or the place!"

"Are you a frigid tease?" He was mocking me. "You play like you want it, but then stop when things are getting good."

Who was this guy? One minute he's sweet, the next he's an ass.

I went to open the passenger door. "I'm an ice cube. Would you mind taking me to the nearest gas station? I'll call my dad to come get me. I won't bother you by taking me home."

His body was close behind me. "I'm taking you home, Bella. It's dangerous to be hanging out at a gas station."

We just stood there in uncomfortable silence for what felt like forever. Finally, he spoke, "My dad is really driving me nuts. I just thought if we had sex, I could forget."

"That's not fair," I whispered. "I know you're mad at your dad, but having sex isn't going to fix anything."

"I guess I'm a dick."

No. He wanted to be, because it was easier than dealing with actual feelings. I couldn't fix him.

"Take me home," I said again.

Edward buried his head in my hair. "He brought her over to my fucking house today, Bella! Stupid Esme came in to help my mom work through her problems. Good old dad wants Mom fixed up before he leaves her. In his twisted mind, he thinks he's doing a good thing using his mistress to analyze my mom. Makes him feel better about ruining our family."

I could see our reflections in the window glass. Edward's face was in pain. The moonlight had given us an eerie glow. We looked sadly beautiful.

"How do you know this, Edward?"

He closed his eyes. "I overheard them in the kitchen. They acted like they cared what happens to mom. It's such bullshit!"

"You should have told me. We could have talked about it and—"

He turned me around. "Maybe I don't want to talk! I hate talking! Unlike you. All you do is talk, Bella! The noise doesn't stop!"

Tears flowed down my face. He was being so cruel. I wanted to punch him in the nose.

"Oh God, Bella! I'm sorry! I was just upset about my dad and mom! Please don't cry!" He started brushing the tears away from eyes. "I just wanted something good tonight!"

"Is that how you handle things? Have sex with any available girl to help you deal!" I cried.

"It was going to be my first time too," he admitted.

"But—"

Edward took a deep breath. "I lied. I'm not going to tell the guys that I'm a virgin. Who would do that?"

"You could have told me! We would have lost our virginity in a car and that isn't cool, Edward."

"It's not a big deal," he said with a shrug. Edward's walls were going back up and there was nothing I could do about it. "Look at my dad. He'll stick it in anyone. Sex isn't special."

"To me it has to be. I can't be with someone who doesn't find it as important as I do." These were my feelings. He would have to agree or I would have to move on. I wiped the fresh tears that were escaping my eyes with my sleeve.

He was stone faced. "Are we over?"

Were we?

Edward had such beautiful eyes. I could get lost in them. He needed to make a decision. He looked at me so coldly. Those walls would never let me in.

"You need to decide if you can be patient with me, Edward. I'm not the answer to your problems, but I can listen and support you." I put my forehead on his. "Think about it the rest of the weekend."

Pick me. Choose us.

I looked up at him and there was a single tear dripping down. Maybe there was a tiny chance for us. He kissed me softly, then said, "A break. We can figure this out."

That was my wish.

XXXXXX

There was no calls. He didn't come knocking on my door with some romantic gesture. It was complete silence from Edward.

I filled that silence by hiding out in my bedroom and blasting Nirvana. Kurt Cobain was wailing about teen spirit and I wanted to destroy my bedroom in anger. Break mirrors and rip up my bed linens sounded like a way deal with what was looking like a breakup.

If I did make waste of my room, my parents would kill me.

Instead, I cried into my covers and ate lots of chocolate. My face was going to be covered in pimples after all this candy. Edward probably made the right decision getting freed from a pimple faced monster like me.

There was loud knocking at my door. My dad's voice was muffled, "I'm coming in, kid."

He entered my room and stomped over to my stereo. "Honey, I love The Doors. I get liking loud rock music, but you're going to go deaf. Your mom is going to blame me and—"

I blew my nose in a crumpled tissue and tried to wipe my eyes. "I'm sorry."

My dad's face grew grim and he came over to my bed. He sat down and hugged me tight. "What's wrong, baby?"

"Ed . . . Ed . . . Broke—" I started bawling into Dad's neck.

"He broke up with you? Want me to shoot him for you?" Dad tried to sound like he was upset, but he was probably happy that this happened. It was nice that he was trying to be supportive.

"I'm not sure if we broke up, Daddy. It just feels like it. Everything hurts inside. Why?" I held him tighter.

"Kiddo, if your mom wasn't at the store I would have her up here talking to you. She's better at this stuff, but I'll try. This Edward punk isn't the only fish in the bowl." Dad rubbed my back.

I laughed through the tears. "It's the sea, Dad."

"Don't mock your dad, kid. But what I'm saying is true. You're a teenager and will be trying to figure out this love thing for your whole life. Your mother and I are still figuring it out and we're ancient! You can have a good cry, but after that you hold your head up high and show him that you're a strong lady." He kissed my head. "How about you date a nice boy? Mike Newton or Jasper? He's a weird kid, but I don't think he'll try anything."

"Dad!" I had to laugh again. "Jasper's awful!"

"Well . . . He has awful hair," Dad pointed out. Then he grinned and added, "He's the type of kid who still plays with Transformers, right?"

Just like that, I had to smile again. Sometimes, my dad could make everything better. At least for a little while.

XXXXXX

The note was taped to my locker. Alice always wrote on the back of business cards that she would take stacks of from various business around town. She would write little funny sayings in bubble letters that would be hard to read on the other words that had been printed on the card. I always looked forward to getting one.

This note was on a piece of ripped out notebook paper. Not a bubble letter in sight. I felt so very nervous looking at it.

The note is why I was sitting on the bathroom sink waiting for her to come talk. Was she hurt? Did something bad happen to her when she was drinking? I knew I shouldn't have listened to Jacob about this. We needed the help of adults.

"Hey, Bella," Alice said quietly. She didn't call me Isabella.

This wasn't like my friend who was now leaning against the wall across from me. Alice wore an old Washington State sweatshirt and jeans. Her dark hair was cut very short like she had hacked it off with children's safety scissors. There was black mascara running down her face from her tears. There was exhaustion all over her face.

I hopped off the sink and as I approached her she put her hands up to stop me. "No, Bella. I messed up so bad."

"Alice—"

"I don't remember. There were these white pills . . . I woke up naked. I mean something happened, right? He was there too. He was wearing boxers and a tee-shirt so maybe it didn't happen, but—" Alice trailed off. She looked so confused like she was searching for answers. "I was sore, so like it had to have happened. Emmett was there, I think. I kind of remember."

I grabbed her hand. "What are you talking about?"

"I was so fucked up! I'm so sorry, Bella! I need you to forgive me, okay?" Alice pleaded hugging me to her.

"Why are you sorry?" I moved away to look at her. "You didn't do anything to me."

She shook her head violently. "I think I had sex with Edward."

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Edward had sex with Alice.

I always knew I wasn't good enough or something. This isn't a surprise, but it still feels like every molecule in my body is shattering.

There's things I just don't understand. I just couldn't say to my mother that Edward's touch made me feel like I was finally alive and that I wanted him to consume me body and soul.

My fear of this new experience and to these new feelings drove him to her. It's all my fault. He touched her and didn't even think about the fearful little girl that loves him so very much.

I hate him as much as I love him. It's a fiery pain that makes tears just leak from my eyes.

Truthfully, I hate her more. Her betrayal cuts deeper. She was my best friend and closer to me than a sister.

They broke my heart and I am done.


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: Good morning. A few more chapters left. Thank you for reading.**

Chapter 14

Edward was leaning against my locker at the end of the day.

I had been dreading seeing him after Alice's admission. I didn't know what to say to him. At first, I saw myself crying on him from all the sadness I was feeling. Then the rage took over and I wanted to scream in his face. I could see myself beating against his chest with my fists.

He had been missing from school. I guessed he had skipped to avoid my anger. The thought gave me some solace, but my solace was now gone. Here he was, blocking me from escaping this hell.

"Hey." He wouldn't look me in the eye.

I pushed him away from the front of my locker. "You're in my way."

"You talk to Alice?"

I felt his eyes on me. "I did. She had quite the story about your weekend."

"Oh."

"That's all you got?" My hand shook as I tried to turn the dial to put in my combination. "I would think that some explanation and some groveling that will get you nowhere would be perfect right now."

"I don't remember what happened." He stilled my hand on the lock. I looked up at him. "Let me do that for you."

"I suggest you stop touching me, asshole." He let go as if I burned him. "Why don't you find Alice? I'm sure there's plenty you can do together."

He slammed his fist against the locker next to mine. "I have no clue what happened!"

"I get that you don't know what happened. Repeating it a million times doesn't change that you were there, Edward. Getting drunk to deal with something won't make it better."

He looked at those black combat boots of his. I found myself looking at them too. They were all scuffed on the ends.

"You got me all worked up and—" he muttered.

"I got you worked up and that led you to maybe having sex with my best friend? I'm a girl and can change my mind as much as I want. It's okay for me to feel so much and decide not to be in a situation I'm not ready for!"

He looked up at me with wide eyes. "I'm so sorry."

"No. You're just a horny asshole who can't deal with life." I steadied myself. I would not cry in front of him again. "We all have troubles, Edward. Growing up isn't about getting drunk and having sex. It's about trying to make smart decisions. You should try it sometime."

Both hands went into his face and he rubbed his eyes hard. "I . . .I . . . God, Bella, I know that none of this was your fault! You are the only girl I want to be with—"

"Until you get wasted and there's another girl ready and willing?"

"No! I just need you to know that I understand that you aren't ready. I shouldn't have tried to talk you into it. Sometimes I just shouldn't talk." He looked pained. I couldn't deal with looking at his face. Right now, as far as I was concerned, Edward was either a liar or a fool. "I was upset. I know you weren't meaning to get me worked up."

My locker was a lost cause. Who needed to study history tonight anyway? It wasn't like I would be able to concentrate. I stared at the steel in front of me. I needed the safety of my bedroom to really think about what happened today.

Slowly, I turned to face him. "Using my supposed shortcomings to vent about instead of dealing with what happened Saturday night isn't cool. I want you to leave me alone. That goes for Alice too. I need to get to the bus."

I started to head down the hallway, but he quickly caught up and took ahold of my arm. "When can I talk to you again?"

"Let's start with never, Edward."

XXXXXX

It had been a week since my world imploded. That might sound self-centered. There was much bigger and more pressing things in the world than a dumb teenager getting betrayed by her best friend and boyfriend. I knew this, but it didn't feel that way to me. I wanted to wallow in the pain for a bit. It hurts losing people you care about.

Our cafeteria table was far quieter now that everyone had split up. Edward was now sitting with James and all of their buddies. He would just stare at our table and spin a bottle cap on the table top. I would occasionally look over and see Tanya yelling at him. He would grumble something and try to catch my eye. I would turn away from him. It wasn't like I was trying to look at him at all, but I just couldn't help myself.

Alice, on the other hand, sat in the far corner of the cafeteria. The first few days, she was all by herself. She wouldn't eat at all, but just stared at the window at the parking lot. Her skin was so pale and she was painfully thin. Recently, Jasper joined her at the table. I could see him talking softly to her and everyday he would bring an extra brown paper lunch bag for her. Occasionally, Jasper would talk her into taking a bite of an apple or a nibble off of a bagel.

Today, her head was resting on her arms. Alice's eyes were watery as she stared at Jasper. He rubbed her back gently. There was no spark left in her.

"She's really sick," I whispered.

Jacob crushed his coke can with his hand and let it dropped to the table. "I'm so mad at her, but she looks so awful!"

"I know," I agreed. "Is it weird that I'm worried about her?"

"No, because you are a good person, Bella." Jacob gave me quick hug.

I wanted to hate her, which I did at first. It was fading to just sadness. Alice was broken and we let her go down the rabbit hole. I had no idea how she could dig her way out of it. A horrible home life, added to the drugs and alcohol was a toxic combination.

The more I thought about what both Alice and Edward said about that night, the more it bothered me. It didn't make any sense.

"I have no idea what Jasper Whitlock is doing over there!" Jess spat. "Mostly after what she did to you, Bella!"

"I just can't forget about her, Jessica. I'm mad, but I really think she got in too far. She needs someone to be there for her. For the first time, I actually respect Jasper."

"What are you feelings for Edward?" Jacob wondered.

"I'm still so angry, Jake. I don't think he understands any—" I began, as Mike headed to the table. One look at his face made me stop worrying about Edward. "What happened to your eye, Mike?"

My friend's eye was swollen and starting to bruise. He shrugged and sat next to me. "It's no big deal."

"Mike, tell me," I implored. He glanced at Edward, but quickly looked away and down at his lunch tray. "Did Edward hit you?"

Jacob gave a long whistle and said, "Damn."

"It's no big deal. I didn't know that he was there. I was talking to Garrett about you," Mike explained. "Nothing bad! I promise! Just that a dance is coming up and—"

"You wanted to ask me to it?"

"Yes." He gave me a small smile. "I have bad timing."

It was more than bad timing. Edward was falling apart at the seams and took it out on Mike. He was mad about his parents, upset about what happened between us, and it all made him a volatile mess.

I pushed myself away from the table. "I'll be right back."

Mike grabbed my hand. "Just ignore it, Bella. He's out of control. It isn't safe."

"I'm not frightened by Edward Cullen. It will be fine." I moved toward Edward's table. He stared at me as I approached.

The truth was that I wasn't scared of him at all. My heart was already broken, so what could he do to me? A fractured heart hurt more than anything else in the world.

"Edward—"

He put his hands behind his head and looked at me coldly. "What?"

I wanted to slap him. He was being a bully and he was treating me like I was the bad guy. Did Edward ever really like me? Was I just a game? Was he playing a see how fast he can get in the virgin's pants kind of game?

"You need to leave Mike alone." I kept my chin up. I was going to be brave.

"Your boyfriend crying to you about me?" Edward gave a mean chuckle. "Why don't you take him to the boiler room? That always made me feel better. You have a special touch, Bella."

Tanya punched him in the arm. "Stop being an ass, Cullen."

The whole table was watching my confrontation with Edward. Actually, everyone in the cafeteria was gawking at us. Our relationship was under a microscope and all our flaws were laid out for the rest of the school to analyze and mock. We would be the school gossip for the next week.

"Mike's my friend and hitting him isn't cool. Cut it out, okay?" I crossed my arms in front of my chest. Trying to guard myself from his anger.

"Run along to that nice nerd. I bet your dad is loving him." Edward face was a mask of nonchalance, but their was a fire in his eyes. "We aren't together. I don't fucking care what you think."

I think I might hate this guy.

"Of course, you don't care! The only thing you fucking care about is fucking my best friend!" My voice carried through the cafeteria. I heard a gasp. It had to have been Alice.

Tanya stood and motioned toward the hallway. "Why don't you cool off out there?"

"I don't want to cool off. I just want—" My voice trailed off. My eyes were feeling watery again. "You're right, Tanya. I need to get out of here."

"Bella—" Edward looked up at me and he his expression was softening. That he was sad too.

"Go to hell, Edward," I said sadly.

I turned and walked out of the cafeteria. I sniffed loudly, but tried to look like I didn't care that I had just embarrassed myself in front of a large group of my classmates. They probably thought they were just going to enjoy some pizza for lunch, but instead they got a free show.

My back against the cool wall, I slid down to sit and faced a row of lockers. I wished it was summer. I could just hide away from all of these people. It would be nice to forget everything. I hid my head in my arms.

"Bella girl, how you hangin'?" I looked up to find James next to me.

To say I was surprised would be an understatement.

"Why are you out here? With me?"

He gave a little smirk. "That is a very good question, kid. The rest of your buddies wanted to rush out here and protect you, but Victoria told them we needed to talk."

"About what? I'm sure you don't care that Edward and I aren't together anymore," I stated. "Go back to Edward."

"I care. Edward is way cooler to be around when you're there." James smiled. "You're a good kid."

"Thanks?" We were the same age. He was a weird guy.

James looked up at the ceiling. "I was at that party at Em's place the weekend all the shit went down."

"Oh?" Here comes all the dirty details. I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear about the betrayal first hand.

"Emmett's one sketchy ass dude," James explained. "Petey said that he was feeding Ali these white pills like fucking candy."

"Maybe Pete should have stopped her," I hissed.

No wonder Alice was a mess. She had no one looking out for her. With friends like these guys she really had nobody that night.

"Yeah," James agreed looking regretful. "I should have too, but I didn't. Edward was about to pass out earlier that night from drinking too much. Dude went to Emmett's room to take a siesta and shit. Emmett dragged Alice in there later. That asshole was in there with her for a long time and stumbled out looking fucking proud. I think she was with Em not Edward."

Things were starting to come together. The puzzle was finally forming into a picture.

"Did you tell Edward this?"

"I tried, girl He rather be miserable," James complained. "When that asshole wallows he just makes shit worse."

I needed the truth. Even if Edward and I were over, I needed to find out for Alice. Something really bad happened in Emmett McCarty's house and I wanted to find out what that was and who was the real villain.

XXXXXX

"What's the plan, Nancy Drew?" Jacob asked. "Do we get all tricky and make him admit the truth by using our powers by slipping him up? I'm thinking I could hit the truth out of him."

Sweet Jacob couldn't hurt a fly normally. The expression on his face made me think that today might be the one day that Jacob might resort to violence. Of course, after what happened with Tyler, maybe this anger was always brewing underneath his skin and getting ready to erupt.

"We'll just ask him, Jake." I shrugged and continued, "I doubt he's going to hide anything."

"We should have brought one of our parents," Jasper whined. "This could be dangerous."

"Why are you here again?" I asked. "If you aren't going to be helpful than sit in the car."

We had a posse to confront Emmett. Jessica, Carmen, Jacob, Jasper and even Mike came to help me find out the truth. Jasper was right. I should call my dad, but what would he think of all of us? What would he think of me? I wouldn't be his little girl anymore. I thought I hated the way he treated me like I was a baby, but now that I was faced with facing Emmett, I would be happy to hangout and watch sports with Dad. I would even enjoy listening to his dumb jokes.

"I'm here for Alice," Jasper muttered. That's when he blushed.

Jasper _really_ liked Alice.

He continued, "She's with my mom and dad right now. They want her to help her clean up and stuff."

I squeezed his hand. "Thanks for helping her."

Jasper's face turned red again. "It's no big deal. My parents are, you know, doing it."

Jacob patted Jasper's shoulder and then knocked on the door. It was opened by a tall, blonde hair woman with hair that was teased into a big bird's nest. Her tank top was way too small and she wore tight jeans. There was a cigarette hanging out of her mouth.

"Yo Jake, what's up with all the Muppet babies?" She didn't really talk, but snarled her words.

"We need to talk to Emmett, Rosie." Jacob's voice deepened. He seemed older around this woman. Unafraid of her. It seemed like he was willing her to say something nasty. That if she did, she would regret it. I, on the other hand, found her terrifying. She seemed like a hair puller.

She gave us all the once over and called over her shoulder, "Babe, you got Girl Scouts bringing you cookies."

"Cookies?" Emmett rushed out of a back bedroom in only a pair of he saw us his face fell in disappointment. "Damn it, woman! Don't lie about Thin Mints! What can I do for you, kids?"

He waved us in and flopped down on his stained couch. I didn't even want to imagine the causes of those stains. In the daylight, all the dust and grime could be clearly seen covering the furniture that he probably found at the dump. There were beer cans and wine bottle strewn all over the floor. I could hear crunching noises as I stepped on the carpet. This place was disgusting.

His hand went immediately into his boxers. Jessica elbowed me in the side and made a face. She was as grossed out as I was.

"I need to talk to about Ali—" Jacob stated. My friend's face was stern. He was going to get answers. Alice deserved to know the truth.

Emmett placed a single finger on his lip to silence Jacob, then turned to Rosalie who was primping as she gazed into an old mirror with a dented wooden frame. It was propped against a stack of milk crates that was being used as shelves. "Babe, grab us some beers."

She turned to him with a glare. "Get your own fucking beers, asshole. I need to take a piss."

There was quiet in the room, until Rosalie closed the door to the bathroom. Emmett let out a sigh. "That bitch has been driving me nuts all day. What about Alice? She want another ride on the bronco? She still owes me for the shit I gave her two weeks ago. I can let her pay me back like last time. It was fun times."

I watched in disgust as he patted his lap with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

"She was passed out!" I cried. "Alice didn't want that to happen. She doesn't remember it!"

"You jealous, cutie? Want to get down? I can send Rosie to the store. She's the jealous type. Unless you want some threesome fun." He grabbed a bag of chips off the coffee table and started eating handfuls.

"Don't talk to her like that!" Mike stood in front of me to shield me from Emmett's gaze.

Emmett shrugged. "Ain't no thang, chicken wing."

"Edward?" I whispered. "He was there?"

"Yeah," Emmett admitted with his mouth full. Pieces of chips flew out as he spoke. "Sleeping like a little baby next to us. Didn't notice anything that happened next to him. He was dead to the fucking world. It's too bad. He probably would have enjoyed the show."

It amazed me that this guy saw no issues with what happened. He felt no remorse for what he did with Alice. Emmett thought it was normal. I think for him that it was.

Emmett stood with a yawn as he scratched his belly. "Children, if you wanna hang and drink we should get this party started. If you wanna bitch, I suggest you go home. It's almost nap time."

I hadn't noticed Jasper during this exchange, until he walked up to Emmett. His face was flushed and his voice was shaking with rage. "You raped her."

"Don't go throwing words like that around, boy. She was awake enough to know what was going down. Those pills make you goofy or forgetful. I sure as hell couldn't guess how they would affect Alice." Emmett rolled his eyes and was promptly hit in the face by Jasper.

The big man fell backward and landed on the floor.

Jasper hissed, "Go near Alice again and I'll kill you."

All of a sudden, the door to Emmett's house flew open and Edward stormed in, "Emmett, I need to know what happened the night of . . . What the hell?"

Jasper spoke for us all. "That jerk hurt Alice. I punched him."

"Oh. You did?" Edward looked surprised. Actually, we all were. Jasper was nursing his fist. He probably broke it or something. "Bella?"

Jessica took my hand. The comfort of a friend was needed. This place I found myself in made me sick. Everything felt off. I needed to think. I needed my mom's hugs to remind me that there was still love in this world. My dad's spaghetti and good advice would give me some solace. I wanted to be a kid again. To pretend that life was simpler like remembering to do my homework and having slumber parties with popcorn while watching silly movies. I needed to make sense of the ugliness I had seen while pretending to be an adult, just for a little while.

"I need to go home." I looked at Jacob. "Is Pete coming back to pick us up?"

"Yeah." Jacob side hugged me. "Let's wait outside. Rose can take care of that piece of shit."

We all headed out to the front yard. Jasper said as we walked down the driveway, "I hope I can talk her into pressing charges."

I heard sniffles and glanced at Jacob. He was crying for Alice.

I wonder if Jasper could convince her, or if Alice was just going to try and forget.

Edward cleared his throat. "Bella, can I take you home? We need to talk."

Much to everyone's surprise, I agreed with a nod of my head.

We did need to talk. One situation was resolved, but there were so many more issues that felt insurmountable. I wanted to find some peace with Edward, because I needed closure or hope. I was certain that I couldn't be lucky enough to get both.


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: The final chapter and an epilogue left. **

**Thank you for reading. **

Chapter 15

"Edward, I'm really so—"

His hands were tightly gripping the wheel. I watched him, as he watched the road. The speed of the car wasn't very fast. It was barely going over the speed limit. God, his face was rigid like stone.

Edward hated me. I completely deserve it. He was innocent and I blamed him for everything.

"Don't you dare say you're sorry." He jerked the wheel to the side and parked by the side of the road. We were at the Hansen farm and the cows who were loitering by the fence were watching the car. They would be the only witnesses to my begging for Edward's forgiveness. Cows had mean eyes and I totally deserved their ire.

I nervously twisted a strand of my hair. "I should have known that you didn't do anything with Alice."

"No, you shouldn't have. Why would have thought that when I even thought I did it? I did, Bella. I was certain that I would have done that shit." He finally turned to face me. "At least you wanted to find out the truth. I was willing to just believe it was true."

"Why were you at Emmett McCarty's?"

He shrugged. "Going back to the scene of the . . . You know . . .crime. Wallow in it. I should be the one saying sorry."

"No," I disagreed. "You were innocent."

"Not really, Bella." Edward took my hand and stared at our linked fingers. "I've been really mean to you."

It was the truth. Deep down I knew it. I stared at our hands too. "You've been going through some big stuff."

"That stuff had nothing to do with you. You know that, right? I shouldn't have used you to release the anger I have at my dad." Edward lifted my face. "I hope you can forgive me someday."

Forgiving him was easy. Edward healing himself was the hard part.

"I already have." I twisted the giant plastic flower ring that Jessica gave me for my last birthday. I watched as the clear pink blossoms spun around my finger. God, it was ugly.

His hand covered mine to stop my fidgeting. I looked into his solemn face and felt like I was going to throw up all over my shoes. Sometimes, you just know something rotten will happen. You feel it in the pit of your stomach and you feel sick. That feeling had been constant as I traveled around school and wallowed in my bedroom. It sucked.

"I'm leaving," he announced as he placed his palm on my cheek. "My mom and I are going to move in with my Aunt Mary in Chicago."

"Oh."

No. Things were never getting fixed if he left. He'd be gone and I wouldn't fix us. We could be okay. If he just stays—

"Mom wants to get her life together and my aunt can help with this kind of stuff." Edward wiped under my eyes using his thumb. The pads of his fingers were wet. When had I started crying? I hadn't even noticed. "No crying, Bella. This is going to work out."

I pulled my head away from his touch, and shook my head. "You leaving is never okay!"

"I can't stay here. With my dad? No fucking way." Edward sighed as he looked out the window. "The way Mom cried when she found out about Esme was just brutal. I almost took my fucking fist and punched his smug face. I just—"

"Just what?" I placed my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.

Edward placed his head on my chest. His tears soaked the front of my shirt. "I'm so tired of being angry."

I didn't know what to say. Instead, I held him tight and let him cry it out. Everyone needs to do that sometime. I know I do.

My life was going to be emptier without him. My heart would continue beating but I imagined it not so quickly and the dull ache that was left would be follow me forever.

"One more time, Bella? Please?" Edward asked into my chest.

"One more time for what?"

His head rose up. Eyes watery and tinged with red, Edward stroked my lips.

My answer was a whisper. "Yes."

He kissed me. It was sweet and gentle. It was an ending. It was good-bye.

XXXXXX

The school halls had been buzzing after the news hit. The sounds of whispering chatter filled the air. There wasn't a moment where there were times of just normal school time discussions like homework and the mystery meat in the cafeteria. Awful speculation is always more fun when you're a teenager. This wasn't an exception.

My dad read it in the morning paper. I heard him as he whispered it to Mom. It wasn't going to be a conversation for us kids to hear. Once Dad went to do the laundry, I stole the newspaper and brought it to my room. I ran my fingers over the newsprint like I was reading braille.

Emmett McCarty had been arrested.

They didn't name Alice as the victim, because she was underage. The crimes were listed like it was a grocery list. It might have been matter-of-fact, but it was still terrible to read.

Things in school were so tense. All through the town families read about the criminal that preyed on younger girls and had a drug den as a house. The parents might not have known that Alice was the first girl to come forward, but their kids did. We always knew more about what was going around in town that we weren't supposed to. It's exciting to find out things considered adult happening around us. Grown-ups think teenagers are stupid. The fact is they forgot when they were teenagers. I guess they could be the stupid ones.

Alice sat against a locker. Her head hidden in her knees. She looked wilted like a plant without any water.

People pointed at her. Some boys laughed. Tyler sneered at her. He walked up to her and announced, "Was it because he didn't pay you?"

She looked up with tired eyes. "What?"

"When you fucked that drug dealer? Did he not pay up after the sex?" Tyler crossed his arms over his chest. "Do you know how hard it is to find good pot in this town? You ruined it for everybody. That's just being selfish, girl."

"Go away," Alice mumbled. Her head went back down on her knees.

He crouched down close to her. "Brandon, I forgive you. Really. Unlike McCarty, I pay for services I re—"

Tyler never stopped being an ass. I refused to let him get away with it.

"Leave her alone!" I pulled his shoulder and he fell onto his back. It would have been funny, if Tyler's glare wasn't so scary.

"Bella, mind your own business." Tyler stumbled up. "Don't you have to dye your hair more stupid colors?"

"Really? That's all you got?" I stepped between Tyler and my friend. At least I had hoped she would still be my friend. "Alice is my business. Leave her alone."

"Oh damn! Did you fuck McCarty too? I mean . . . Shit! That's so fuc—" he began, but there was no way I was going to let him finish. I had anger coursing through me and my blood was boiling.

I punched him in the gut.

He didn't budge. Not even a little bit.

Instead, Tyler grabbed my shoulders and hissed, "You bitch!"

The principal walked up at that moment. It was a moment of good luck. I cried out, "You're hurting me!"

"Young man, what do you think you're doing?" The principal asked. He was furious.

Tyler's arms dropped off of me. It was like I was on fire and I burnt him.

"She hit me!" Tyler answered in protest.

"That's ridiculous! Miss Swan is a very well behaved student. You are coming to my office _now_!" The principal grabbed his arm and led Tyler away.

Alice stood slowly. She looked weak still. "That was very brave."

"You're the brave one. I was just lucky the principal thinks I'm a goody-goody." I gave her a small smile. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." She looked at her feet. "You don't have to talk to me. I know people are talking. You shouldn't have to deal with that. I told Jasper and Jake they should avoid me at school."

"Have they listened to you, Alice?"

She rubbed her eyes. "No."

"I'm not listening either." I took her hand. "If they talk about you, then they talk about me."

Alice stared at me a moment and then launched herself into my arms. "Thank you!"

Friendship can be the strongest feeling in the world. My heart wasn't completely useless after Edward. There was plenty of room for all my friends like Alice.

"Jacob told me Edward moved away. I'm so sorry." She pulled away slowly. "You okay?"

"I will be," I admitted truthfully. "If he and his mom find some happiness then I think it's a good thing. I want you to have millions of good things too."

Alice got a wistful look on her face. "I have a glimmer of something."

"I like to hear about glimmers." I started walking with her to the cafeteria.

"Jasper said that he loved me." She blushed a bright pink.

Love was in the air for her. I had sadness about Edward, but also joy for Alice.

"What did you say back?"

She giggled. I had missed that sound. "I told him to shut up."

I started laughing. "How romantic!"

"Now you shut up!" Alice started laughing harder, as she pushed me good-naturedly.

I had a glimmer too. We were going to get back to normal. We were going to survive this no good year.

XXXXXX

Months flew by. Things got easier, I guess. I was going through the motions sometimes. Big smiles at dumb jokes. Happy laughter would erupt at stories about friends' good fortunes. Big group gatherings at the bowling alley where I would constantly get gutter balls. Usual teenage stuff that were amusing at the time, but there were missing pieces that made me feel slightly numb to it all.

Alice and Jasper were happily entwined. Emmett's jail sentence made the weight that had been extinguishing her spark lift and she was shimmery again. Though there were moments where you would see the shadows roll in and her eyes would dim. Those were the times where I would give her a hug and just let her know I would always be there.

Carmen broke up with Jacob. I think she knew there was something not right between them. Jacob was safe though. I could see the reason she stuck it out for so long. She told us she was dating some kid from another school. She seems happy.

Jacob had his head in my lap, as we swung on the porch swing. He was back to wearing eyeliner and his hair was starting to grow long again. I had missed the softness of the stands. I ran my hand through it. So soft.

"You should invite Mike to your dad's restaurant opening," he announced. I tugged a strand of his hair and made him cry out. "Bella!"

"Stop playing matchmaker, Jacob Black." I looked out at the street where little kids were riding their bikes. It looked like fun. I should get my bike out and take some laps around the neighborhood.

"I'm taking Dan to it." Jacob met Dan at a support group for gay teens. I liked him. He was a kind guy. His parents threw him out and Dan was now living with his aunt who lived in town. Parents should never be cruel to their children. Unfortunately, I had seen too many times where this wasn't the case.

"Good. You can bring Mike too, Mr. Bossy."

The swing went a little fast as I pushed it.

"Hey!" Jacob yelled. "I'm going to fall off!"

That made me laugh loudly.

He continued with his badgering, "It's not my fault that you had fun with Mike at the prom. Stop trying to maim me with a deadly porch swing fall!"

"It was a group thing, man! Stop trying to make it happen. He kissed me again. It was weird. I'm now pushing him on Jessica. She thinks he's adorable." I poked Jacob in the forehead.

"Mike is terrified of her!"

"They'll be married someday," I stated. That just made Jacob laugh.

He was right. Mike was scared of Jess. She was like a barracuda with him. There was no escape. A barracuda? You couldn't escape from one of those, right?

"Kids, you want a snack?" My mom came up the sidewalk carrying the mail. She spent hours talking to Mrs. Harris over by the mailbox. They probably chatted about the weather or politics. Some adult type stuff that was boring.

Jacob sat up happily. "That would be great!"

He was obsessed with the hummus and veggie sticks my mom gave him. Didn't he know that we needed chocolate cookies or chips?

A postcard was tossed on my lap. I looked up at my mom in surprise. She winked at me and said, "You got mail!"

It was an image of The Adler Planetarium in Chicago. I turned it over with shaking hands.

Edward.

I hadn't heard from him since he left and now this.

"Bell . . . Is it from _him_?" Jacob asked excitedly.

"Yes," I squeaked. I cleared my throat and read aloud, "Going to Seattle with my mom soon. Hoping to meet Eddie Vedder. Be happy. Someday."

"Be happy someday? Or is it, be happy and someday something else?" Jacob asked in confusion. "What does it all mean?"

"There's hope." I traced hearts on the paper.

"What are you going to do? It could be years." Jacob took my hand.

"I'm going to start living again." I couldn't help but smile. "I might have a someday with Edward, but I need to experience my life now. I'm going to be happy."

I hoped Edward would be happy too.


End file.
